just in the last couple weeks, it has really started to sink in that a baby is coming to our home by the end of January. (!!!) i typically keep a lid on the thrilling excitement, try to stay level headed about this. i've mostly been staying very non-chalant until the last couple of weeks, in "self-protection mode". the time has come though, it's time to nest. and I'm in full force.
the thing about nesting, when you don't have a big basketball under your shirt, is that it's pretty lonely... much more so than i project those with said "basketballs" are experiencing. sure, i hear complaints from my expectant friends about all the unwelcome touches to their tummies and questionably insulting comments and questions ~ "woah, you're ready to pop!", "are you having twins??", etc... to be honest, i think the tummy touches are a lovely connected experience (as a "tummy toucher", it's like a way to bless and send loving vibes to that precious life), and part of me feels like "we" are missing out on that. hopefully our little guy is getting it in his current community. and in addition, without that basketball.... making a registry and buying stacks of clothes and diapers kind of makes you feel like a "poser". i'm pushin' through it anyway.
a couple of stories, to futher illustrate the contrast here between basketball and non-basketball hostesses. a couple weeks ago a dear friend of mine met me at babies-r-us (is there even any other options? how'd they get the corner market on all things baby??) so that i could work on our registry. i had managed to do most of it online (to avoid the posing) but wanted to make sure some of the items selected online matched what i was looking/hoping for. anyway. this dear friend of mine is expecting a baby in february (big basketball) so you can imagine the experience we shared in babies-r-us... a plentitude of questions for her and questionable looks at me, as i walked around with the registry scanner. to be fair, once i talked to the customer service gal about how we were adopting, she was very accomodating and friendly (and she's our "go to" now, as jeremy and i have been back several times now to pick out the perfect stroller... they don't make them well for tall people, we're finding!). then, the other day i went to a local used baby store and picked up a bunch of lightly used newborn outfits - the sales clerk asked me "is somebody having a baby?" ~ and i replied, without hesitation, "yup, me!" (but felt i had to explain when she looked at my flat tummy). i have to say, i am proud of myself for owning this, finally, and yet, i guess there's something about the entitlement/status of the basketball-under-the-shirt that i'm missing, or envious of, just a little.
i've been telling people, more and more, that we're "adopting a baby in january" and as i do so, with less hesitation, and it's becoming more and more real. i smile more. i'm also able to accept the genuine excitement and well-wishes of random people in our community - sales clerks, receptionist, nurses, colleagues, facebook friends, etc. i've decided to just step in and be excited, regardless of fact that things could change. I'm gonna prepare for this little one who (we pray) will be entrusted to our care.
so, today it's saturday. our weekend goal: paint nursery.
thankfully, no funny looks or basketballs needed under the shirt to buy a gallon of paint.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
story behind the blog. part two.
so, in typical carla fashion, i jumped into this new mission. seminars, workshops, agency visits, library and internet searches, and borrowed books (coupled with advice) from friends who'd done their homework on adoption. we decided on an agency (recommended by said friends) and signed up to begin a homestudy. i remember those weeks/months to be full of anxiety (which we later discovered had been quite unnecessary anxiety) but so it is with walking into unknown territory when you feel you have to prove something to someone or some governing body, i suppose. in this case, "are we eligible to be parents". health records, physical exams, FBI checks, home and fire inspections, personal references, etc... i remember thinking - "this is more invasive than getting my greencard!"
the homestudy process also require us to answer a series of essay questions about our upbringings, our marriage, experiences in our pasts that shaped our values, our reason for choosing adoption as a way to build our family, our perspectives on discipline, our goals and dreams for the future... really a great process that all future parents should invest in, i'd imagine. i remember feeling a large weight of responsibility in terms of being "intentional" in starting a family - if we get the choice, shouldn't we be ever so careful. again, perhaps a process all future parents should pace out... but one i just didn't expect. why couldn't we be like every other surprised couple who finds out they are pregnant and all of the sudden has to make adjustments and changes to make it work. instead, we were set up for a timely and step-by-step expectancy that had no due date. "it could be tomorrow or two years from now" ~ neither a threat nor a promise.
we finally completed our homestudy around April, if memory serves, after some face to face meetings with a designated social worker. these meetings were the in person version of our essay questions, i suppose, but ended up being quite an encouragement to us. our social worker was able to provide some perspective about the emotional roller coaster of the process of waiting (as she put it) for our arms to be full. she was candid about the realities of what we were walking into, and affirming of the emotions we may experience. she gave us advice about how to relate to birth family members in the future, and shed some light on what kind of scenarios were possible. one story that she shared, i will never forget. she told us of a couple she had just worked with who finally receieved their first child through adoption. she shared that the couple waited exactly nine months from the completion of their home study to getting "their arms full", and it was evident that she thought that was the coolest thing ever. I smiled on the outside but on the inside i was thinking "nine months?! i hope it dosn't take us that long..." and alas...
nine months really IS a long time. April was only SEVEN months ago and i struggle to remember the details of all that happened. in our seven months since completion of the homestudy, we've waivered... our journeying has been rocky, challenging, often feeling uphill with no destination, or one that's seemingly unreachable. we were on one side of a cliff, seeing our dream on a completely different mountain. we needed a bridge (or helicopter!) to get there. more doctor's appointments, surgery, hormones, and IUI attempts... none did the trick. the feeling of hopelessness crept around, with every failed attempt. an emotional rollercoaster perhaps self-induced ~ but i don't regret any steps in the process. we didn't give up... (sure, we took little "breaks" along the way) , trying after our goal - to be parents... with what resources were available to us.
and so where are we now?
i suppose we're in the bridge building stage... having been "chosen" by birth-parents, we are working on the foundations of building a relationship with the birth-family members of this precious baby boy who is due in January. they will forever be a part of our lives, and we of theirs. this is a "bridge" we don't have an exact design for. how exactly will our families connect and interact? but i suppose it's one we will design together.
humbled and in awe of what all of this means...
what are the chances?
the homestudy process also require us to answer a series of essay questions about our upbringings, our marriage, experiences in our pasts that shaped our values, our reason for choosing adoption as a way to build our family, our perspectives on discipline, our goals and dreams for the future... really a great process that all future parents should invest in, i'd imagine. i remember feeling a large weight of responsibility in terms of being "intentional" in starting a family - if we get the choice, shouldn't we be ever so careful. again, perhaps a process all future parents should pace out... but one i just didn't expect. why couldn't we be like every other surprised couple who finds out they are pregnant and all of the sudden has to make adjustments and changes to make it work. instead, we were set up for a timely and step-by-step expectancy that had no due date. "it could be tomorrow or two years from now" ~ neither a threat nor a promise.
we finally completed our homestudy around April, if memory serves, after some face to face meetings with a designated social worker. these meetings were the in person version of our essay questions, i suppose, but ended up being quite an encouragement to us. our social worker was able to provide some perspective about the emotional roller coaster of the process of waiting (as she put it) for our arms to be full. she was candid about the realities of what we were walking into, and affirming of the emotions we may experience. she gave us advice about how to relate to birth family members in the future, and shed some light on what kind of scenarios were possible. one story that she shared, i will never forget. she told us of a couple she had just worked with who finally receieved their first child through adoption. she shared that the couple waited exactly nine months from the completion of their home study to getting "their arms full", and it was evident that she thought that was the coolest thing ever. I smiled on the outside but on the inside i was thinking "nine months?! i hope it dosn't take us that long..." and alas...
nine months really IS a long time. April was only SEVEN months ago and i struggle to remember the details of all that happened. in our seven months since completion of the homestudy, we've waivered... our journeying has been rocky, challenging, often feeling uphill with no destination, or one that's seemingly unreachable. we were on one side of a cliff, seeing our dream on a completely different mountain. we needed a bridge (or helicopter!) to get there. more doctor's appointments, surgery, hormones, and IUI attempts... none did the trick. the feeling of hopelessness crept around, with every failed attempt. an emotional rollercoaster perhaps self-induced ~ but i don't regret any steps in the process. we didn't give up... (sure, we took little "breaks" along the way) , trying after our goal - to be parents... with what resources were available to us.
and so where are we now?
i suppose we're in the bridge building stage... having been "chosen" by birth-parents, we are working on the foundations of building a relationship with the birth-family members of this precious baby boy who is due in January. they will forever be a part of our lives, and we of theirs. this is a "bridge" we don't have an exact design for. how exactly will our families connect and interact? but i suppose it's one we will design together.
humbled and in awe of what all of this means...
what are the chances?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
cour·age /kɜrɪdʒ/
noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
idiom
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.
synonyms
4. fearlessness, dauntlessness, intrepidity, pluck, spirit. Courage, bravery, valor, bravado refer to qualities of spirit and conduct. Courage permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear: to take (or lose ) courage. Bravery implies true courage with daring and an intrepid boldness: bravery in a battle. Valor implies heroic courage: valor in fighting for the right. Bravado is now usually a boastful and ostentatious pretense of courage or bravery: empty bravado.
we've had to have a lot of courage over the last few years. i think we can feel both proud of and thankful for this. somehow we're able to keep moving forward. staying stuck or moving backwards are not life-giving options. i so want life. i also recognize that not all apparent "forward moving" decisions result the way you hope or expect. a lot of where we've had to navigate in this walk with infertility has felt like walking in the dark, in uncharted territory (at least for us). there have been "no guarantees", and despite hopes and plans, things do not always turn out the way you expect.
tomorrow is potentially a very significant day in the life of our future family, and to be honest, i'm feeling a bit more relaxed than i would think i would. i mentioned to a friend that the interaction we will have tomorrow is sort of like a "blind date"... but i've been on blind dates and i'm pretty sure i always felt a LOT more emotion prior to them than i'm feeling right now. i'm not sure if i'm subconsciously just guarding my heart, if God is doing that supernaturally for me, and/or if this is just all OK... and i have no need to be anxious. there are lots of potential things TO be anxious about - unknowns about the health of the baby, openness of the adoption/how we will connect with the birth family, our readiness to be parents, finances... but really i feel fine. we have prayed that God would just pave the way for us, if this is His intended plan for us. And I do trust that He will, that He cares for us, that He has a good plan. So... praying for continued courage for tomorrow.
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
idiom
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.
synonyms
4. fearlessness, dauntlessness, intrepidity, pluck, spirit. Courage, bravery, valor, bravado refer to qualities of spirit and conduct. Courage permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear: to take (or lose ) courage. Bravery implies true courage with daring and an intrepid boldness: bravery in a battle. Valor implies heroic courage: valor in fighting for the right. Bravado is now usually a boastful and ostentatious pretense of courage or bravery: empty bravado.
we've had to have a lot of courage over the last few years. i think we can feel both proud of and thankful for this. somehow we're able to keep moving forward. staying stuck or moving backwards are not life-giving options. i so want life. i also recognize that not all apparent "forward moving" decisions result the way you hope or expect. a lot of where we've had to navigate in this walk with infertility has felt like walking in the dark, in uncharted territory (at least for us). there have been "no guarantees", and despite hopes and plans, things do not always turn out the way you expect.
tomorrow is potentially a very significant day in the life of our future family, and to be honest, i'm feeling a bit more relaxed than i would think i would. i mentioned to a friend that the interaction we will have tomorrow is sort of like a "blind date"... but i've been on blind dates and i'm pretty sure i always felt a LOT more emotion prior to them than i'm feeling right now. i'm not sure if i'm subconsciously just guarding my heart, if God is doing that supernaturally for me, and/or if this is just all OK... and i have no need to be anxious. there are lots of potential things TO be anxious about - unknowns about the health of the baby, openness of the adoption/how we will connect with the birth family, our readiness to be parents, finances... but really i feel fine. we have prayed that God would just pave the way for us, if this is His intended plan for us. And I do trust that He will, that He cares for us, that He has a good plan. So... praying for continued courage for tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
eligible?
jeremy and i completed a home study in april to be eligible for adoption. eligible to be parents? we had to complete parenting trainings that, probably, every parent would benefit from, not that they were all that informative. people just tell us all the time "nothing can prepare you..."
we are ok with that. we just want the opportunity to experience it.
if i had somehow conceived in april, instead of gone to parenting trainings, i would be about 6 and 1/2 months pregnant right now. i have a whole new appreciation for women going throught that long wait. april seems like forever-ago.
this week, we will be meeting an expectant couple who have chosen adoption for their child. they have read our "adoption profile" and asked to meet with us to discuss open adoption arrangements. a baby boy is expected to be born late january 2011. to think that he might get to belong with us... lights up my eyes and makes me hold my breath just a little.
we are ok with that. we just want the opportunity to experience it.
if i had somehow conceived in april, instead of gone to parenting trainings, i would be about 6 and 1/2 months pregnant right now. i have a whole new appreciation for women going throught that long wait. april seems like forever-ago.
this week, we will be meeting an expectant couple who have chosen adoption for their child. they have read our "adoption profile" and asked to meet with us to discuss open adoption arrangements. a baby boy is expected to be born late january 2011. to think that he might get to belong with us... lights up my eyes and makes me hold my breath just a little.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
story behind the blog. part one.
my name for this blog was deliberate. chance. what are the chances (that we would be in this situation)? what are the chances (that will come of this situation)? the unknowns are mind blowing at times. but truly i do have hope and wonder for how our story will continue.
so how did we get here?
on my birthday, two years ago, Jeremy and I visited a urologist who broke the news and indicated his suspicion that Jeremy may have a condition called Klinefelter Syndrome. His sperm count was ZERO and bloodwork was to be done at Mayo Clinic to examine the keryotype of his DNA to confirm the suspicion. We were referred to a genetic specialist and an endocrinologist for further medical care following the results which confirmed the diagnosis.
prior to the visit with the urologist, we had visited the fertility clinic (where i would later go through the IUI process) for the original semen analysis, per recommendation of my OB-GYN. (count, already 5 doctors on the case, each with their respective staff... so many people). my fertility doc gave us the initial alternatives for conceiving a child, suggesting both the sperm donor list, and "snowflakes" (embryo adoption), planting those seeds in our minds (or... my mind anyway). the genetic specialist spoke to us of adoption and asked if there might be a suitable family sperm donor, in the case we might want to pursue a pregnancy. our quick reaction was "no way", and our focus became learning about adoption.
those initial many months seem like a blur. we were determined to walk boldly through the process and not wallow in the dark pit of grief and fear and pain. i remember feeling very connected with jeremy in our determination, but very alone in my own personal moments of sadness and loss. i tried very hard to be courageous, to not "blame" the feeling of emptiness on his biology. to find some kind of humor and wonder in the fact that God had put me (ME, the one who only ever wanted to get married and have lots of babies) with this man who was... sterile. I would cry myself to sleep.
we kept busy attending informational meetings, workshops, reading info packets on different adoption options, but we were blown in lots of directions (mostly by our own indecision i suppose), never seeming to get anywhere (still feels like that somehow!), and i was having a very hard time with the apparent fact that i would never have a pregnancy. still full of grief.
one weekend, I returned from a trip to visit old friends and came home to a new conversation - Jeremy had been thinking and wanted to ask his brother to be our sperm donor. I remember a smile coming over my heart. it felt like hope. but then all the thoughts of "implications" started, all the doubts, fears, and unknowns overwhelmed me. Months of conversations, pauses, trying to find alternatives led finally to a measure of peace that allowed us to proceed to "try" the idea.
"Directed Sperm Donors" have to go through a lengthy process of tests and proceedures before their samples can be used, so we were subjected to more waiting. In the meantime, I had to go through testing of my own to make sure I'd be ready for the fertility process. more roadblocks.
in September of 2009 I was scheduled for a test to ensure my fallopian tubes were open and ready for action. I went to the test thinking "this is a waste of money," assuming all would be fine. after one of the most painful medical procedures I had ever experienced, (and I had gone by myself, so I had only the radiologist - a colleague, to boot - to comfort me, which he didn't, really) I lay on the radiology table, tears in my eyes, but resolute. "OK. I guess we're adopting then". my doctor wasn't so quick to give up. he had me return the next day for a less invasive procedure to retest, in case the blocked tubes were only my reaction to the test (the result of muscle spasm). the second test had the same results as the first, and I left the clinic with a new focus ("get out of my way, infertility, i have mothering to do").
to be continued...
so how did we get here?
on my birthday, two years ago, Jeremy and I visited a urologist who broke the news and indicated his suspicion that Jeremy may have a condition called Klinefelter Syndrome. His sperm count was ZERO and bloodwork was to be done at Mayo Clinic to examine the keryotype of his DNA to confirm the suspicion. We were referred to a genetic specialist and an endocrinologist for further medical care following the results which confirmed the diagnosis.
prior to the visit with the urologist, we had visited the fertility clinic (where i would later go through the IUI process) for the original semen analysis, per recommendation of my OB-GYN. (count, already 5 doctors on the case, each with their respective staff... so many people). my fertility doc gave us the initial alternatives for conceiving a child, suggesting both the sperm donor list, and "snowflakes" (embryo adoption), planting those seeds in our minds (or... my mind anyway). the genetic specialist spoke to us of adoption and asked if there might be a suitable family sperm donor, in the case we might want to pursue a pregnancy. our quick reaction was "no way", and our focus became learning about adoption.
those initial many months seem like a blur. we were determined to walk boldly through the process and not wallow in the dark pit of grief and fear and pain. i remember feeling very connected with jeremy in our determination, but very alone in my own personal moments of sadness and loss. i tried very hard to be courageous, to not "blame" the feeling of emptiness on his biology. to find some kind of humor and wonder in the fact that God had put me (ME, the one who only ever wanted to get married and have lots of babies) with this man who was... sterile. I would cry myself to sleep.
we kept busy attending informational meetings, workshops, reading info packets on different adoption options, but we were blown in lots of directions (mostly by our own indecision i suppose), never seeming to get anywhere (still feels like that somehow!), and i was having a very hard time with the apparent fact that i would never have a pregnancy. still full of grief.
one weekend, I returned from a trip to visit old friends and came home to a new conversation - Jeremy had been thinking and wanted to ask his brother to be our sperm donor. I remember a smile coming over my heart. it felt like hope. but then all the thoughts of "implications" started, all the doubts, fears, and unknowns overwhelmed me. Months of conversations, pauses, trying to find alternatives led finally to a measure of peace that allowed us to proceed to "try" the idea.
"Directed Sperm Donors" have to go through a lengthy process of tests and proceedures before their samples can be used, so we were subjected to more waiting. In the meantime, I had to go through testing of my own to make sure I'd be ready for the fertility process. more roadblocks.
in September of 2009 I was scheduled for a test to ensure my fallopian tubes were open and ready for action. I went to the test thinking "this is a waste of money," assuming all would be fine. after one of the most painful medical procedures I had ever experienced, (and I had gone by myself, so I had only the radiologist - a colleague, to boot - to comfort me, which he didn't, really) I lay on the radiology table, tears in my eyes, but resolute. "OK. I guess we're adopting then". my doctor wasn't so quick to give up. he had me return the next day for a less invasive procedure to retest, in case the blocked tubes were only my reaction to the test (the result of muscle spasm). the second test had the same results as the first, and I left the clinic with a new focus ("get out of my way, infertility, i have mothering to do").
to be continued...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
distractions
my realization of how i undoubtedly try to "distract" myself with constant changes is not news to many of the people in my life who "see" me. but is this really just a coping mechanism or can i claim a bit of normalcy in this compulsion of mine? can't we just call it trying to be alive? new job, new city, new paint colors, new hairstyle, new outfit. i think intentional changes become catalysts for other internal changes as well. new mood, new idea, new perspective.
so here are a few changes i'm contemplating right now and wondering if they'll make a difference. 1. curly hair. trying that today. 2. put away (or give away?) the willow tree pregnant lady figurine that was given to me last christmas by a well-meaning/hopeful family member. 3. find a new church. 4. start my phD. 5. move away (not connected, necessarily with #4) and start life fresh in a new city, preferrably with close proximity to an ocean.
so here are a few changes i'm contemplating right now and wondering if they'll make a difference. 1. curly hair. trying that today. 2. put away (or give away?) the willow tree pregnant lady figurine that was given to me last christmas by a well-meaning/hopeful family member. 3. find a new church. 4. start my phD. 5. move away (not connected, necessarily with #4) and start life fresh in a new city, preferrably with close proximity to an ocean.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Lord help me remember...
in a moment of honest clarity i admitted to my s.i.l. this afternoon that the growth that i have seen and experienced with my husband, even small teeny growth, in being able to talk together about what God might be doing in our lives... might be leading us to... and the moments of prayer we have shared... those things i am so grateful for. and in light of eternity, with the rest of our marriage before us, i would not trade a baby for that growth. how could i, truly? i would rather have that growth and see it continue than have a baby and not that growth. prayers have been answered. God knows what he's doing.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
if not for people.
i have promised myself i will eventually write out the whole story of how we got to the point we are, as i continue to process the answer to that question. i suppose that just means i've promised myself that i will let our story be public. for the people. not just for me, for us, for a few select connected souls... i have "journalled" very little along the way, in fact. i have kept the story even from myself at times, and kept it from "people". maybe this is a way of keeping from admitting that it's really our reality? I've been waiting for it all to get wrapped up nicely, or at least for the turning point in the story. but i'm not even privy to know where we are in our story - only God knows that for sure, right?, but the other night, i was [collapsed] in bed (not one of my finest moments) and had what i can only describe as a series of flashbacks ~ seeing pictures of key moments, conversations, realizations along the way from the last 2-3 years that led us to the fertility interventions that we chose (and just completed... with no success).
i don't think it's been all for not, amazingly, even though the end result was not what we were pursuing. and yet, more grief comes in remembering some of the very difficult, if not painful, conversations with family, friends, medical professionals along the way. "people" have truly disappointed [us] along this journey. "people" have said hurtful things, out of misunderstanding and/or closemindedness. "people" have hugely affected our feelings in this process, invoking shame, guilt, fear, worry. somehow we seemed to overcome it... but why do we let other people have such influence? by the same token, "people" have encouraged us, inspired hope in us, provided us with new/different perspective, and... have been inspired by us, as well.
people... make life so complicated.
i am short for words to express the feelings i have on this struggle. the whole "can't live with'em, can't live without'em" adage comes to mind, but that seems more simple than the emotions i have about PEOPLE. funny... this whole current ordeal is all about people. people who want to make more people... raise people, birth people, help people... people who are unable to produce more people... but maybe there are other people... who need people. maybe this is just life. what about other people is so hard for me to deal with?
love.
is my heart so broken that it's hard to accept the existence of people, and their "contributions" to my life? perhaps this is common humanity, but in the painful times in life, is it just natural to want to steal away and avoid those "contributions"?
did i miss something in psych 101? I'm sure this isn't as mind-busting as i think it must be...
no concluding statements tonight.
i don't think it's been all for not, amazingly, even though the end result was not what we were pursuing. and yet, more grief comes in remembering some of the very difficult, if not painful, conversations with family, friends, medical professionals along the way. "people" have truly disappointed [us] along this journey. "people" have said hurtful things, out of misunderstanding and/or closemindedness. "people" have hugely affected our feelings in this process, invoking shame, guilt, fear, worry. somehow we seemed to overcome it... but why do we let other people have such influence? by the same token, "people" have encouraged us, inspired hope in us, provided us with new/different perspective, and... have been inspired by us, as well.
people... make life so complicated.
i am short for words to express the feelings i have on this struggle. the whole "can't live with'em, can't live without'em" adage comes to mind, but that seems more simple than the emotions i have about PEOPLE. funny... this whole current ordeal is all about people. people who want to make more people... raise people, birth people, help people... people who are unable to produce more people... but maybe there are other people... who need people. maybe this is just life. what about other people is so hard for me to deal with?
love.
is my heart so broken that it's hard to accept the existence of people, and their "contributions" to my life? perhaps this is common humanity, but in the painful times in life, is it just natural to want to steal away and avoid those "contributions"?
did i miss something in psych 101? I'm sure this isn't as mind-busting as i think it must be...
no concluding statements tonight.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
daily promise
years ago, my dad gave me a daily calendar filled with scripture verses ~ "God's promises for you". Today my verse says:
Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out. "Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?..." Everything comes from him; Everying happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! (from Romans 11:33-36)
I sense - both today and yesterday - that grace is surrounding both Jeremy and I in these delecate moments... even "lifting us up" above what I anticipated would feel much more dreadful. (thank you to those who are praying for us). no, I can't figure it out - His deep, deep wisdom. But, somehow, I do believe He's got a plan and purpose in all this, and though it is clearly NOT my plan, (and I'm feeling pretty "in the dark" about what the plan may be and so much wanting to start and move into whatever it is since it isn't what i thought or hoped it was), i'm able to cling to the faith that... God is good and His plans for us are good. And while some would say that's dillusional... i'm sure thankful for the peace that comes in having that faith. and that's supernatural.
i often find myself thinking about the idea of God's promises to us... in reference to promises in scripture about fertility, there's the story of Abraham and Sarah and the promise that God would use them to start a nation... and 80 years later their baby, Isaac, arrives. I just read about that one again the other day in my daily devotional. Sarah laughed at that promise (about 9 months before Isaac was born). What a joke, to have a child so late in life... even back in bible times. I can't imagine. no thanks... on claiming that promise. if i'm ever going to have a miracle baby, God, please don't wait 'til I'm 83. That would just be embarassing. (yes, i'm making it about me and not Him... and His purposes. and isn't that an interesting observation. isn't that what we're usually doing in most of our requests?) Scripture tells us "present your requests to God", and "you do not have, because you do not ask", and "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your hearts" and... ... and i know, that there's a mismatch somewhere. reality is, the desires of my heart are more often than not for ME and MY purposes and hopes and dreams... more than for HIS... and I'm so limited to know what those are... but also undisciplined I suppose. This is all speculation ~ I'm also not saying there is some sort of "equation" or economics to the answering of prayer, or to "getting what you ask for". We've certainly done our asking, and even became much more specific in our prayers. And i hesitate to even start down the road of "why didn't he give us what we asked for?" but... i have a sense that that will be made more clear in time. a friend once gave me a little plaque that had this written on it: "God's answers to prayer: 1. Yes, 2. Not yet, 3. I have a better plan in mind. I'm biased, but #2 and #3 really are the hard answers to deal with, don't you think?
but back to the idea of "promise", I wonder sometimes if there's any overlap between our desires and dreams and God's promises. If God is in us, and the one who shapes and inspires our dreams and desires, does he bring them to fruition? Here's an example i often think about... The night I met my husband (on a blind date after a brief online introduction, literally 2 online conversations, one of which almost made me call the whole thing off) we were having coffee after dinner and i remember looking across the table at him and picturing him beside me in the delivery room as I got ready to give birth. That was, truly, the "moment" i clung to during our courtship and how I felt i "knew" that he was "the one"... so... does that qualify as some kind of "promise" of my future? Will that envisioned moment EVER be a reality? The one thing we had in common, and the essential foundation in our relationship was that we both desired to have children. That was all I thought I ever wanted. That common goal (and all the sentiment behind it on both of our parts) inspired our love for each other and our commitment to marriage. the power in all of that, we believe came from God. we believe HE put us together and HE would make the pieces fall into place. so... ?
even in writing this i sense how frail the pieces are, and in turn, how frail our relationship has been at times. how delicate and hidden our hope has been. and when i read what i know is true of what i've believed over the years, it all seems so weak. but it's real. and here we are, with a big question mark in front of us of what comes next. but closer and stronger after walking through these first 4 years together... and neither of us anticipated anything like what that's been. and even though it's been painful, it's certainly taken us to new heights. have we experienced the "extravagant generosity of God?" ~ (well, though it sure may be a "funny way of showing it") maybe this is part of that right now...
Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out. "Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?..." Everything comes from him; Everying happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! (from Romans 11:33-36)
I sense - both today and yesterday - that grace is surrounding both Jeremy and I in these delecate moments... even "lifting us up" above what I anticipated would feel much more dreadful. (thank you to those who are praying for us). no, I can't figure it out - His deep, deep wisdom. But, somehow, I do believe He's got a plan and purpose in all this, and though it is clearly NOT my plan, (and I'm feeling pretty "in the dark" about what the plan may be and so much wanting to start and move into whatever it is since it isn't what i thought or hoped it was), i'm able to cling to the faith that... God is good and His plans for us are good. And while some would say that's dillusional... i'm sure thankful for the peace that comes in having that faith. and that's supernatural.
i often find myself thinking about the idea of God's promises to us... in reference to promises in scripture about fertility, there's the story of Abraham and Sarah and the promise that God would use them to start a nation... and 80 years later their baby, Isaac, arrives. I just read about that one again the other day in my daily devotional. Sarah laughed at that promise (about 9 months before Isaac was born). What a joke, to have a child so late in life... even back in bible times. I can't imagine. no thanks... on claiming that promise. if i'm ever going to have a miracle baby, God, please don't wait 'til I'm 83. That would just be embarassing. (yes, i'm making it about me and not Him... and His purposes. and isn't that an interesting observation. isn't that what we're usually doing in most of our requests?) Scripture tells us "present your requests to God", and "you do not have, because you do not ask", and "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your hearts" and... ... and i know, that there's a mismatch somewhere. reality is, the desires of my heart are more often than not for ME and MY purposes and hopes and dreams... more than for HIS... and I'm so limited to know what those are... but also undisciplined I suppose. This is all speculation ~ I'm also not saying there is some sort of "equation" or economics to the answering of prayer, or to "getting what you ask for". We've certainly done our asking, and even became much more specific in our prayers. And i hesitate to even start down the road of "why didn't he give us what we asked for?" but... i have a sense that that will be made more clear in time. a friend once gave me a little plaque that had this written on it: "God's answers to prayer: 1. Yes, 2. Not yet, 3. I have a better plan in mind. I'm biased, but #2 and #3 really are the hard answers to deal with, don't you think?
but back to the idea of "promise", I wonder sometimes if there's any overlap between our desires and dreams and God's promises. If God is in us, and the one who shapes and inspires our dreams and desires, does he bring them to fruition? Here's an example i often think about... The night I met my husband (on a blind date after a brief online introduction, literally 2 online conversations, one of which almost made me call the whole thing off) we were having coffee after dinner and i remember looking across the table at him and picturing him beside me in the delivery room as I got ready to give birth. That was, truly, the "moment" i clung to during our courtship and how I felt i "knew" that he was "the one"... so... does that qualify as some kind of "promise" of my future? Will that envisioned moment EVER be a reality? The one thing we had in common, and the essential foundation in our relationship was that we both desired to have children. That was all I thought I ever wanted. That common goal (and all the sentiment behind it on both of our parts) inspired our love for each other and our commitment to marriage. the power in all of that, we believe came from God. we believe HE put us together and HE would make the pieces fall into place. so... ?
even in writing this i sense how frail the pieces are, and in turn, how frail our relationship has been at times. how delicate and hidden our hope has been. and when i read what i know is true of what i've believed over the years, it all seems so weak. but it's real. and here we are, with a big question mark in front of us of what comes next. but closer and stronger after walking through these first 4 years together... and neither of us anticipated anything like what that's been. and even though it's been painful, it's certainly taken us to new heights. have we experienced the "extravagant generosity of God?" ~ (well, though it sure may be a "funny way of showing it") maybe this is part of that right now...
Friday, September 10, 2010
one line.
well, the wait is over. not pregnant.
(empty lines above signify waiting for words to say)...
so i go on with my day. check my purse for tampons and out the door i go. if i had oatmeal to cry into, perhaps i would, but i opted for starbucks drive-thru. i deserve it.
no tears this morning. i did my pre-emptive crying the last few days anyway.
i suppose i have to let all the other "riders" know that the ride is being closed down. thanks for all your months of patronage.
(this is why you kind of want to avoid telling anyone what's going on in the first place... so you're not the only one counting days and so you don't have to let everyone in on your most intimate bodily functions... and yet, you do tell people. perhaps hoping that all their excitement and hope will make the difference)
it's all i can do to not write a paragraph or more on what this might mean... for years i've felt the challenge to stop trying to make sense of everything. some people say you can't make sense of it. i'll pause on that subject for now.
(empty lines above signify waiting for words to say)...
so i go on with my day. check my purse for tampons and out the door i go. if i had oatmeal to cry into, perhaps i would, but i opted for starbucks drive-thru. i deserve it.
no tears this morning. i did my pre-emptive crying the last few days anyway.
i suppose i have to let all the other "riders" know that the ride is being closed down. thanks for all your months of patronage.
(this is why you kind of want to avoid telling anyone what's going on in the first place... so you're not the only one counting days and so you don't have to let everyone in on your most intimate bodily functions... and yet, you do tell people. perhaps hoping that all their excitement and hope will make the difference)
it's all i can do to not write a paragraph or more on what this might mean... for years i've felt the challenge to stop trying to make sense of everything. some people say you can't make sense of it. i'll pause on that subject for now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
question.
so, this may be jumping the gun, but what do i do next week if i'm not pregnant? where do we go next? i've been thinking this would be a rather final event. we're "out of sperm". yes, we could get more, but not instantly. we would have a 6-month hold, per FDA regulations, since we are using a donor. and, call me dramatic but a 6-month hold sounds like a jail sentence. yes, it could also be a freeing "explore the world" time span. a thorny stick with a rose on the end. who knows.
can you sense the mental torture of all this?
plenty of people have voiced the "you just have to live each day at a time" pacification, to try to give me some perspective. living just a day at a time is hard. plans take forever to come to fruition at a day at a time. and particularly these last two weeks. none of these days are that important until that day 14 day. or so it feels. right, this "finding out if i'm pregnant" can't be the only purpose in my days. what about work? friends? family? hobbies? working out the mental process of this, though, feels so much more significant, self-indulgence notwithstanding. and that's how this "day by day" thing is going.
so, though pre-emptive, my current question is how much more of this do we keep doing? how many times do you try IUI before you give up, or decide that maybe it's just not "meant to be" (as if not getting pregnant is, perhaps, a "sign"). That's what I went into this process with. We had a limited amount of "seed", and we've used it up. If it isn't fruitful, do we take that as a sign that it's not supposed to happen? Or do we get more?
A friend of mine suggested that you keep trying until you decide you just mentally and physically can't do it anymore. well, i think i could keep going. but... if it's not going to work, it just seems wasteful. no, i don't know if it's not going to work, but... when do you concede to that?
can you sense the mental torture of all this?
plenty of people have voiced the "you just have to live each day at a time" pacification, to try to give me some perspective. living just a day at a time is hard. plans take forever to come to fruition at a day at a time. and particularly these last two weeks. none of these days are that important until that day 14 day. or so it feels. right, this "finding out if i'm pregnant" can't be the only purpose in my days. what about work? friends? family? hobbies? working out the mental process of this, though, feels so much more significant, self-indulgence notwithstanding. and that's how this "day by day" thing is going.
so, though pre-emptive, my current question is how much more of this do we keep doing? how many times do you try IUI before you give up, or decide that maybe it's just not "meant to be" (as if not getting pregnant is, perhaps, a "sign"). That's what I went into this process with. We had a limited amount of "seed", and we've used it up. If it isn't fruitful, do we take that as a sign that it's not supposed to happen? Or do we get more?
A friend of mine suggested that you keep trying until you decide you just mentally and physically can't do it anymore. well, i think i could keep going. but... if it's not going to work, it just seems wasteful. no, i don't know if it's not going to work, but... when do you concede to that?
Monday, September 6, 2010
labor day
this is the day that TLC has episodes of "a baby story" all day long, right? tempting...
we're one week into the 2-week wait. (sigh). each day has been different (as usual, right? - everything seems more pronounced during these crucial days). we had a great weekend. we've had two days of gorgeous fall weather that you can't help but be happy in. jeans and sweatshirts. fresh mums planted and potted. everything smells great in the fall. i hope it lasts a long time because i dread winter. we should have at least 3 good months yet. and maybe i'll have a cute little baby bump by the time the snow falls. that'll keep me happy through the winter blahs. ooo. cross my fingers!
that's me. dreamer. in fact, i did dream last night, vividly, that our doctor came into the waiting room holding a pregnancy test with two lines on it. "you're pregnant", he said, in his lacking-enthusiasm tone. i asked for a blood test to be sure, but shared the news with some 'key people" (random people actually - an old friend from elementary school, an old coworker from my highschool job, one of the doctors from "Private Practice" who, apparently, had been rooting for me. ha. my brain...) anyway, i can imagine it all. scary thing right now is that i feel like (and this will sound superstitious) if i think of it all a certain way, it's not going to happen. this thought process has actually helped me through a lot of "scary moments" in my life. but in times like this, it just makes me worry. i know, if i take a step back, that i don't actually have a handle here on the cosmic working-of-things. i know, i need to wipe those thoughts away and put my faith elsewhere. and i know, faith is trusting in what we cannot see. it's just very hard. i'm sure this is all some sort of effort to "control" that which i cannot. or maybe just some way to cope with this waiting stage. but why just cope? how can i do more than that?
this morning i slept 'til 9:30am. made eggs for my husband and puppy. my good deed for the day. then, caught up on facebook - have to view the documentation of friends' kids' milestones. wonder if i'll ever have such postings. time keeps ticking away.
we're one week into the 2-week wait. (sigh). each day has been different (as usual, right? - everything seems more pronounced during these crucial days). we had a great weekend. we've had two days of gorgeous fall weather that you can't help but be happy in. jeans and sweatshirts. fresh mums planted and potted. everything smells great in the fall. i hope it lasts a long time because i dread winter. we should have at least 3 good months yet. and maybe i'll have a cute little baby bump by the time the snow falls. that'll keep me happy through the winter blahs. ooo. cross my fingers!
that's me. dreamer. in fact, i did dream last night, vividly, that our doctor came into the waiting room holding a pregnancy test with two lines on it. "you're pregnant", he said, in his lacking-enthusiasm tone. i asked for a blood test to be sure, but shared the news with some 'key people" (random people actually - an old friend from elementary school, an old coworker from my highschool job, one of the doctors from "Private Practice" who, apparently, had been rooting for me. ha. my brain...) anyway, i can imagine it all. scary thing right now is that i feel like (and this will sound superstitious) if i think of it all a certain way, it's not going to happen. this thought process has actually helped me through a lot of "scary moments" in my life. but in times like this, it just makes me worry. i know, if i take a step back, that i don't actually have a handle here on the cosmic working-of-things. i know, i need to wipe those thoughts away and put my faith elsewhere. and i know, faith is trusting in what we cannot see. it's just very hard. i'm sure this is all some sort of effort to "control" that which i cannot. or maybe just some way to cope with this waiting stage. but why just cope? how can i do more than that?
this morning i slept 'til 9:30am. made eggs for my husband and puppy. my good deed for the day. then, caught up on facebook - have to view the documentation of friends' kids' milestones. wonder if i'll ever have such postings. time keeps ticking away.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
numb
"numb" is another feeling i label frequently over the last year or so... up there with "like a zombie". this is how i feel this afternoon/evening. i could read or sleep. i can think of several other things but just can't muster up the enthusiasm to follow through on any of those ideas. depression? loss of enthusiasm about things that once were enjoyable.
i read an article the other day while waiting for my first round of bloodwork, gearing up for the IUI. in it was included a checklist of the signs of depression.
The signs and symptoms of clinical depression are:
Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood. check. Changes in sleep patterns. check.
Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain. well, wishing for the former, but more like holding steady, with bursts of eating frenzy... this is unchanged.
Loss of pleasure and interest in once-enjoyable activities, including sex. check.
Restlessness, irritability. Check with a capital C.
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as chronic pain or digestive disorders. Hmm. Depression causes that? check.
Difficulty concentrating at work or at school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions. check.
Fatigue or loss of energy. check.
Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. check.
Thoughts of suicide or death. mmm. not what i would call suicidal thoughts, but sure, thoughts of death. me or other people. death as an altering lasting change.
i've been told i was struggling with depression in the past. i remember beginning medication and feeling that feeling after about two weeks of finally "getting my life back". is that what this all is? situational depression? my brain being tanked out from the constant emotional drama and stress?
do i even dare "post" this?
yup. let's be honest. this journey is an internal-unravelling. an identity shifting gut punch. like being stuck in a nightmare where you're just left alone in a pile of dirty laundry and you have no power over your body to get up and walk away, and even if you could, your job is to do that laundry, but you don't know where the washing machine is. and there's no one to tell you where it is, either.
i read an article the other day while waiting for my first round of bloodwork, gearing up for the IUI. in it was included a checklist of the signs of depression.
The signs and symptoms of clinical depression are:
Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood. check. Changes in sleep patterns. check.
Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain. well, wishing for the former, but more like holding steady, with bursts of eating frenzy... this is unchanged.
Loss of pleasure and interest in once-enjoyable activities, including sex. check.
Restlessness, irritability. Check with a capital C.
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as chronic pain or digestive disorders. Hmm. Depression causes that? check.
Difficulty concentrating at work or at school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions. check.
Fatigue or loss of energy. check.
Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. check.
Thoughts of suicide or death. mmm. not what i would call suicidal thoughts, but sure, thoughts of death. me or other people. death as an altering lasting change.
i've been told i was struggling with depression in the past. i remember beginning medication and feeling that feeling after about two weeks of finally "getting my life back". is that what this all is? situational depression? my brain being tanked out from the constant emotional drama and stress?
do i even dare "post" this?
yup. let's be honest. this journey is an internal-unravelling. an identity shifting gut punch. like being stuck in a nightmare where you're just left alone in a pile of dirty laundry and you have no power over your body to get up and walk away, and even if you could, your job is to do that laundry, but you don't know where the washing machine is. and there's no one to tell you where it is, either.
hope in waiting
I've been reading Pamela Mahoney Tsigdino's book "Silent Sorority" over the last month or so. To be honest, i can't put it down, and it scares me that my relatability to her story will become more and more true in the future. She writes about coming to terms with Infertility and her process of figuring out who she was and what she would do with her life if not being a "mom".
I'm still in the hopeful "two week wait" stage, and yet maybe trying to prepare myself at some
level for whatever happens after the two weeks are over. Simultaneously, I've gotten addicted to a new TLC reality show "Quints by Surprise". So, there you go.
My heart starts telling my head to think on more truth-filled ideas, even as I'm so tempted in all sorts of directions to "get through" these next... 11 days. What does God say about "waiting"? He knew I'd go through these times. What is this all for? Again, so thankful for the scripture memorization I did in my younger years. "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...", "Be still and know that I am God", "Wait upon the Lord" (over and over in the Psalms, it seems), "Those who hope in Him will not be disappointed." And while my Biblical hermeneutics are far from brushed up right now... I remind myself that God's ways are not our ways, and while we have asked specifically for the things our hearts desire, we also know that he has a plan more long-term and perfect than our own ideas. humbling.
Still. praying for miraculous life to be growing inside me right now.
I'm still in the hopeful "two week wait" stage, and yet maybe trying to prepare myself at some
level for whatever happens after the two weeks are over. Simultaneously, I've gotten addicted to a new TLC reality show "Quints by Surprise". So, there you go.
My heart starts telling my head to think on more truth-filled ideas, even as I'm so tempted in all sorts of directions to "get through" these next... 11 days. What does God say about "waiting"? He knew I'd go through these times. What is this all for? Again, so thankful for the scripture memorization I did in my younger years. "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...", "Be still and know that I am God", "Wait upon the Lord" (over and over in the Psalms, it seems), "Those who hope in Him will not be disappointed." And while my Biblical hermeneutics are far from brushed up right now... I remind myself that God's ways are not our ways, and while we have asked specifically for the things our hearts desire, we also know that he has a plan more long-term and perfect than our own ideas. humbling.
Still. praying for miraculous life to be growing inside me right now.
Monday, August 30, 2010
riders
it struck me tonight that we are not the only ones riding this roller coaster of month to month fertility treatments and IUI cycles. so many people in our life are riding with us. sure, maybe we're in that high-risk front seat that has the most suspense and scare as the ups and downs happen... but this journey has an emotional effect on the people who love us.
i noticed this tonight in the reactions of family as we talked about the events of the day. this morning was our third and final (for now anyway) artificial insemination. i sensed a hesitation in the 'hopeful comments' that were/were not offered. maybe these are a safeguard for us in a way. but also for them, i think. we won't get too prematurely excited because, well... we don't want to get your hopes up, especially if there is just going to be disappointment. win, win, right? if something miraculous DOES occur, then you get to be all the more excited. but this feels like being cheated in a way. i want to be freely excited and hopeful now.
it's interesting hearing people put voice to the emotions they experience on our behalf ~ or on their own, as there are several stakeholders in this process. hopeful friends, longing grandparents, concerned siblings. especially interesting when the emotions seem stronger or more free than my own. again, more evidence to me, i believe, that we all experience this journey uniquely.
so today begins the two week waiting period. like the gestation period of baby chicks (give or take a week). we will try hard not to count our chickens before they hatch... (we had 5 nice looking follicles) and i think time will not tick fast enough.
i am so grateful for the "riders" with us. Jeremy sent a mass text message this morning to most of them, asking for their prayers. what an amazing thing. in another analogy, all these "burden bearers" along side us (or behind... in the train...) really do some how lighten the load. they share as best they can, each in their own way, and help us feel a little less alone, as we venture forward, not knowing what twists and turns might be ahead. even if we have to face them directly, those "riders" behind us are sharing the experience. thanks. for care, for perspective, for just being with us.
i noticed this tonight in the reactions of family as we talked about the events of the day. this morning was our third and final (for now anyway) artificial insemination. i sensed a hesitation in the 'hopeful comments' that were/were not offered. maybe these are a safeguard for us in a way. but also for them, i think. we won't get too prematurely excited because, well... we don't want to get your hopes up, especially if there is just going to be disappointment. win, win, right? if something miraculous DOES occur, then you get to be all the more excited. but this feels like being cheated in a way. i want to be freely excited and hopeful now.
it's interesting hearing people put voice to the emotions they experience on our behalf ~ or on their own, as there are several stakeholders in this process. hopeful friends, longing grandparents, concerned siblings. especially interesting when the emotions seem stronger or more free than my own. again, more evidence to me, i believe, that we all experience this journey uniquely.
so today begins the two week waiting period. like the gestation period of baby chicks (give or take a week). we will try hard not to count our chickens before they hatch... (we had 5 nice looking follicles) and i think time will not tick fast enough.
i am so grateful for the "riders" with us. Jeremy sent a mass text message this morning to most of them, asking for their prayers. what an amazing thing. in another analogy, all these "burden bearers" along side us (or behind... in the train...) really do some how lighten the load. they share as best they can, each in their own way, and help us feel a little less alone, as we venture forward, not knowing what twists and turns might be ahead. even if we have to face them directly, those "riders" behind us are sharing the experience. thanks. for care, for perspective, for just being with us.
looking up
after my visit the other day with dr. reality-check ("human reproduction is an inefficient process and we do our best to set up a situation that mimics a natural pregnancy, giving you about a 20% chance of conception... your best chance is IVF") and leaving with a lump in my throat vs. hopeful smiles, i was told to go purchase an ovulation predictor kit to check if I ovulated on my own so we wouldn't "miss our window" by waiting until today for the IUI. so i've dutifully been peeing on a stick, looking for the two lines. still no success. I guess up until this morning that's a good thing (that i didn't prematurely ovulate) but i thought this morning i should be two-lining it, since the insemination will be happening in a couple of hours. I called the office but the nurse assured me (after talking with dr. reality-check) that everything was fine and i should be releasing my eggs any time in the next 12 hours and that was good since the sperm will already be "on board". ok... i have some skepticisim, but what am I to do but listen to the pros?
i slept well, for which i'm grateful. i had, also, some holy moments last night with jeremy. a blessing. prayer and tears. and we raise our heads and look to the One who actually does have a say in all of this. God said.... and it was good. praying he speaks today, life into being. inside of me.
i slept well, for which i'm grateful. i had, also, some holy moments last night with jeremy. a blessing. prayer and tears. and we raise our heads and look to the One who actually does have a say in all of this. God said.... and it was good. praying he speaks today, life into being. inside of me.
Friday, August 27, 2010
all for happy eggs.
the subtle comment of my doctor the other day about how my "rather high dose" of fertility meds are making my eggs happy, even if they aren't making ME happy really doesn't do justice to how these meds are affecting me.
i'm certain my current state (or my state last night, sobbing into toilet paper because my husband couldn't locate a kleenex box) is also related to the other stressors in my life right now (work, and anxiety about getting pregnant) but my ability to cope with these stressors i think has to be directly affected by these meds. i am out of sorts. my body, with all its intricate inner-workings is being put on overdrive by this "food" i'm injecting into my lower abdomen to plump up and promote "happy eggs". it becomes a ripple effect (best as i can understand it). the eggs grow and signal my hormones that my ovaries should be getting ready to release the "happy eggs" and it's all just a little different timing from what my body typically does (or doesn't do? that's the question up for discussion, medically) on it's own. all those changes are effected by and signaling other things in my brain... and i can just imagine how the neurons are trying to make sense of it all... my brain is confused. directions say "go" when things want to "slow" and "stop" when things want to "go!". i'm exhausted.
and yet, as much as i want to just snuggle on the couch today, life calls. responsibilities need to be fulfilled. i know i need more than just "getting pregnant" as my full-time job. but it's stressful to feel pulled in different directions. i'm on "slow" today but reality is saying "ok. let's go." hmm.
i'm certain my current state (or my state last night, sobbing into toilet paper because my husband couldn't locate a kleenex box) is also related to the other stressors in my life right now (work, and anxiety about getting pregnant) but my ability to cope with these stressors i think has to be directly affected by these meds. i am out of sorts. my body, with all its intricate inner-workings is being put on overdrive by this "food" i'm injecting into my lower abdomen to plump up and promote "happy eggs". it becomes a ripple effect (best as i can understand it). the eggs grow and signal my hormones that my ovaries should be getting ready to release the "happy eggs" and it's all just a little different timing from what my body typically does (or doesn't do? that's the question up for discussion, medically) on it's own. all those changes are effected by and signaling other things in my brain... and i can just imagine how the neurons are trying to make sense of it all... my brain is confused. directions say "go" when things want to "slow" and "stop" when things want to "go!". i'm exhausted.
and yet, as much as i want to just snuggle on the couch today, life calls. responsibilities need to be fulfilled. i know i need more than just "getting pregnant" as my full-time job. but it's stressful to feel pulled in different directions. i'm on "slow" today but reality is saying "ok. let's go." hmm.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
a pleasant change after expecting more of the same.
this morning i had an appointment with a different doctor in our fertility clinic since ours had the day off. I was told last week when i went in for my first "scan" that this would be happening and at first i was a little turned off. just one more case of being passed around. how many more people do i need to be examined by? is it a regular thing to switch between doctors? but i decided that it might be a positive change. I'd heard only positive comments about this other doctor in the practice. so, in i went, for my second scan.
this visit was different. i had the "new nurse" again, from last week. she was kind and calm. (maybe sometime later i'll write about the past experiences in this clinic that have been less than comfortable). she reminded me that the other doctor would be seeing me, after giving the regular instructions (empty bladder, everything off from the waist down, use the sheet on the table to cover up, feet in the stirrups. check.) the new doctor knocked, checked if i was ready before entering, introduced himself, and had a very different countenance than what i've become accustomed to. he was positive, cheerful, encouraging, and optimistic. "how are those eggs doing? let's take a look!" i think i almost smiled.
and to top it all off, this doctor actually allowed me a little discretion, managed to do the internal ultrasound without having to get his head under the sheets. (sounds crass, i know. but seriously.)
so the verdict from today - i have 2 or 3 really "happy eggs" (as he called them - "happy eggs grow quickly") and about 20 others that are smaller that we'll continue to watch in the next few days. i looked at those "happy eggs" and another smiled came on my face. they looked like the 3 bears. one large, one medium, and one small.
he even gave me a picture!
what's also interesting is that the doctor had looked at my history over the last several months from other visits, surgery, etc. and had some new information that i hadn't heard before. he discussed the variables that might have been factors in the lack of success in our other IUI cycles, including that in my last attempt "[my] estrogen level was crap" at only 238. Apparently he thinks it should be more like 400+ if we're likely to have success. (i don't really know what those numbers mean, however....) but that brought up more questions - "then why did he (our doctor) go ahead with it? he knows we have limited chances..." which this doctor couldn't exactly explain. He gave me some advice in terms of what to ask our doctor and what to keep an eye on in the next week... so i'm feeling a little more informed. i'm sure even this guy is giving me a limited scope of information, but at least it's more than i had before.
on my way out i picked up my free copy of "Conceive" magazine, stopped at the market to get some fruit & veggies... i'm working on keeping an optimistic attitude (which almost moves me to tears). i feel hopeful, and yet very aware that this is all so completely out of my control. i'll do my part as best as i can and trust that just as i am fearfully and wonderfully made, my Creator can do all things ~ and far more abundantly that all we ask or imagine. so i'm again just humbly praying for his favor on us as we long for new life.
a good friend recently reminded me that she continues to uplift us in prayer, and her prayer is that God will "release a soul" for us to love and care for. beautiful.
this visit was different. i had the "new nurse" again, from last week. she was kind and calm. (maybe sometime later i'll write about the past experiences in this clinic that have been less than comfortable). she reminded me that the other doctor would be seeing me, after giving the regular instructions (empty bladder, everything off from the waist down, use the sheet on the table to cover up, feet in the stirrups. check.) the new doctor knocked, checked if i was ready before entering, introduced himself, and had a very different countenance than what i've become accustomed to. he was positive, cheerful, encouraging, and optimistic. "how are those eggs doing? let's take a look!" i think i almost smiled.
and to top it all off, this doctor actually allowed me a little discretion, managed to do the internal ultrasound without having to get his head under the sheets. (sounds crass, i know. but seriously.)
so the verdict from today - i have 2 or 3 really "happy eggs" (as he called them - "happy eggs grow quickly") and about 20 others that are smaller that we'll continue to watch in the next few days. i looked at those "happy eggs" and another smiled came on my face. they looked like the 3 bears. one large, one medium, and one small.
he even gave me a picture!
what's also interesting is that the doctor had looked at my history over the last several months from other visits, surgery, etc. and had some new information that i hadn't heard before. he discussed the variables that might have been factors in the lack of success in our other IUI cycles, including that in my last attempt "[my] estrogen level was crap" at only 238. Apparently he thinks it should be more like 400+ if we're likely to have success. (i don't really know what those numbers mean, however....) but that brought up more questions - "then why did he (our doctor) go ahead with it? he knows we have limited chances..." which this doctor couldn't exactly explain. He gave me some advice in terms of what to ask our doctor and what to keep an eye on in the next week... so i'm feeling a little more informed. i'm sure even this guy is giving me a limited scope of information, but at least it's more than i had before.
on my way out i picked up my free copy of "Conceive" magazine, stopped at the market to get some fruit & veggies... i'm working on keeping an optimistic attitude (which almost moves me to tears). i feel hopeful, and yet very aware that this is all so completely out of my control. i'll do my part as best as i can and trust that just as i am fearfully and wonderfully made, my Creator can do all things ~ and far more abundantly that all we ask or imagine. so i'm again just humbly praying for his favor on us as we long for new life.
a good friend recently reminded me that she continues to uplift us in prayer, and her prayer is that God will "release a soul" for us to love and care for. beautiful.
Monday, August 23, 2010
disclaimer.
In a previous job, I once heard the advice that it was more wise to talk about the things you struggle with once you're at the other side of them. Share the victories. The things I learned. This advice was given in context of sharing as a professional, so perhaps there is some wisdom there that I'm glad I was able to glean from at the time. But I've struggled to decide when was the "wise time" to share about this current struggle. Particularly in this venue.
I've always been a "writer". I have a rubbermaid bin filled with my journals from the past, which I periodically look back on. It's how I've processed my life in the past. Not worried about being on any particular "side" but writing about my thoughts and emotions now. Somewhere in adolescence that started to change. When I went away to college, my sister designed and created a journal for me, and inscribed on the inside cover that it was for me to write without worrying about messing up the pages... when did I become so careful about expressing my every thought? so afraid I wouldn't explain myself right?
I filled that artfully created journal, and a handful of other ones throughout my college and post-college years. In grad school, I started journalling again with a vengeance. I was living. In the moment. I felt alive. There was much to think about, write about, process.
When I got engaged, I remember telling another sister that I felt like everything was going by too quickly. I didn't have enough time to write, and I felt like I couldn't process everything that was happening! She encouraged me that I would have time later to write. That I wouldn't forget all that had happened.
When I got married, I stopped writing. My husband gave me a journal as a wedding gift and inscribed in it that it was for me to record all the happy things that happened in our married life together. I did write on different occasions, but I was afraid to write and process the things that happened that weren't what I expected. Were they worth writing about?
I've always had a sense that I had an audience. Even in my journals. ha. "what if someone picks this up and reads it someday? a granddaughter. a great-granddaughter..." or, some days I wrote out my prayers. Having an audience keeps me honest maybe. Motivates me to explain my thoughts. But maybe doesn't allow me to be honest? Totally open and defenseless?
So while I've thought about "blogging" my walk through this experience, all these thoughts challenge or question whether this is the right time. My motivations are many, I suppose: to express my thoughts and have a place to do so; to put a voice to this lonely experience; to find support; to take a risk; to learn.
I'm not "on the other side"... and when will I be on "the other side" of this one? To be honest, I have some pretty stringent terms of what I'd hope that "other side" looks like, and quite frankly, if it means coming to terms with barenness, I've not been sure I'd ever actually start writing. And maybe that's my process, and maybe there's another answer I haven't quite imagined.
If you'd like... journey with me.
I've always been a "writer". I have a rubbermaid bin filled with my journals from the past, which I periodically look back on. It's how I've processed my life in the past. Not worried about being on any particular "side" but writing about my thoughts and emotions now. Somewhere in adolescence that started to change. When I went away to college, my sister designed and created a journal for me, and inscribed on the inside cover that it was for me to write without worrying about messing up the pages... when did I become so careful about expressing my every thought? so afraid I wouldn't explain myself right?
I filled that artfully created journal, and a handful of other ones throughout my college and post-college years. In grad school, I started journalling again with a vengeance. I was living. In the moment. I felt alive. There was much to think about, write about, process.
When I got engaged, I remember telling another sister that I felt like everything was going by too quickly. I didn't have enough time to write, and I felt like I couldn't process everything that was happening! She encouraged me that I would have time later to write. That I wouldn't forget all that had happened.
When I got married, I stopped writing. My husband gave me a journal as a wedding gift and inscribed in it that it was for me to record all the happy things that happened in our married life together. I did write on different occasions, but I was afraid to write and process the things that happened that weren't what I expected. Were they worth writing about?
I've always had a sense that I had an audience. Even in my journals. ha. "what if someone picks this up and reads it someday? a granddaughter. a great-granddaughter..." or, some days I wrote out my prayers. Having an audience keeps me honest maybe. Motivates me to explain my thoughts. But maybe doesn't allow me to be honest? Totally open and defenseless?
So while I've thought about "blogging" my walk through this experience, all these thoughts challenge or question whether this is the right time. My motivations are many, I suppose: to express my thoughts and have a place to do so; to put a voice to this lonely experience; to find support; to take a risk; to learn.
I'm not "on the other side"... and when will I be on "the other side" of this one? To be honest, I have some pretty stringent terms of what I'd hope that "other side" looks like, and quite frankly, if it means coming to terms with barenness, I've not been sure I'd ever actually start writing. And maybe that's my process, and maybe there's another answer I haven't quite imagined.
If you'd like... journey with me.
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