daily promise

years ago, my dad gave me a daily calendar filled with scripture verses ~ "God's promises for you". Today my verse says:

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out. "Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?..." Everything comes from him; Everying happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! (from Romans 11:33-36)


I sense - both today and yesterday - that grace is surrounding both Jeremy and I in these delecate moments... even "lifting us up" above what I anticipated would feel much more dreadful. (thank you to those who are praying for us). no, I can't figure it out - His deep, deep wisdom. But, somehow, I do believe He's got a plan and purpose in all this, and though it is clearly NOT my plan, (and I'm feeling pretty "in the dark" about what the plan may be and so much wanting to start and move into whatever it is since it isn't what i thought or hoped it was), i'm able to cling to the faith that... God is good and His plans for us are good. And while some would say that's dillusional... i'm sure thankful for the peace that comes in having that faith. and that's supernatural.


i often find myself thinking about the idea of God's promises to us... in reference to promises in scripture about fertility, there's the story of Abraham and Sarah and the promise that God would use them to start a nation... and 80 years later their baby, Isaac, arrives. I just read about that one again the other day in my daily devotional. Sarah laughed at that promise (about 9 months before Isaac was born). What a joke, to have a child so late in life... even back in bible times. I can't imagine. no thanks... on claiming that promise. if i'm ever going to have a miracle baby, God, please don't wait 'til I'm 83. That would just be embarassing. (yes, i'm making it about me and not Him... and His purposes. and isn't that an interesting observation. isn't that what we're usually doing in most of our requests?) Scripture tells us "present your requests to God", and "you do not have, because you do not ask", and "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your hearts" and... ... and i know, that there's a mismatch somewhere. reality is, the desires of my heart are more often than not for ME and MY purposes and hopes and dreams... more than for HIS... and I'm so limited to know what those are... but also undisciplined I suppose. This is all speculation ~ I'm also not saying there is some sort of "equation" or economics to the answering of prayer, or to "getting what you ask for". We've certainly done our asking, and even became much more specific in our prayers. And i hesitate to even start down the road of "why didn't he give us what we asked for?" but... i have a sense that that will be made more clear in time. a friend once gave me a little plaque that had this written on it: "God's answers to prayer: 1. Yes, 2. Not yet, 3. I have a better plan in mind. I'm biased, but #2 and #3 really are the hard answers to deal with, don't you think?

but back to the idea of "promise", I wonder sometimes if there's any overlap between our desires and dreams and God's promises. If God is in us, and the one who shapes and inspires our dreams and desires, does he bring them to fruition? Here's an example i often think about... The night I met my husband (on a blind date after a brief online introduction, literally 2 online conversations, one of which almost made me call the whole thing off) we were having coffee after dinner and i remember looking across the table at him and picturing him beside me in the delivery room as I got ready to give birth. That was, truly, the "moment" i clung to during our courtship and how I felt i "knew" that he was "the one"... so... does that qualify as some kind of "promise" of my future? Will that envisioned moment EVER be a reality? The one thing we had in common, and the essential foundation in our relationship was that we both desired to have children. That was all I thought I ever wanted. That common goal (and all the sentiment behind it on both of our parts) inspired our love for each other and our commitment to marriage. the power in all of that, we believe came from God. we believe HE put us together and HE would make the pieces fall into place. so... ?

even in writing this i sense how frail the pieces are, and in turn, how frail our relationship has been at times. how delicate and hidden our hope has been. and when i read what i know is true of what i've believed over the years, it all seems so weak. but it's real. and here we are, with a big question mark in front of us of what comes next. but closer and stronger after walking through these first 4 years together... and neither of us anticipated anything like what that's been. and even though it's been painful, it's certainly taken us to new heights. have we experienced the "extravagant generosity of God?" ~ (well, though it sure may be a "funny way of showing it") maybe this is part of that right now...