cour·age /kɜrɪdʒ/

noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
idiom
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.
synonyms
4. fearlessness, dauntlessness, intrepidity, pluck, spirit. Courage, bravery, valor, bravado refer to qualities of spirit and conduct. Courage permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear: to take (or lose ) courage. Bravery implies true courage with daring and an intrepid boldness: bravery in a battle. Valor implies heroic courage: valor in fighting for the right. Bravado is now usually a boastful and ostentatious pretense of courage or bravery: empty bravado.

we've had to have a lot of courage over the last few years. i think we can feel both proud of and thankful for this. somehow we're able to keep moving forward. staying stuck or moving backwards are not life-giving options. i so want life. i also recognize that not all apparent "forward moving" decisions result the way you hope or expect. a lot of where we've had to navigate in this walk with infertility has felt like walking in the dark, in uncharted territory (at least for us). there have been "no guarantees", and despite hopes and plans, things do not always turn out the way you expect.

tomorrow is potentially a very significant day in the life of our future family, and to be honest, i'm feeling a bit more relaxed than i would think i would.  i mentioned to a friend that the interaction we will have tomorrow is sort of like a "blind date"... but i've been on blind dates and i'm pretty sure i always felt a LOT more emotion prior to them than i'm feeling right now. i'm not sure if i'm subconsciously just guarding my heart, if God is doing that supernaturally for me, and/or if this is just all OK... and i have no need to be anxious. there are lots of potential things TO be anxious about - unknowns about the health of the baby, openness of the adoption/how we will connect with the birth family, our readiness to be parents, finances...  but really i feel fine. we have prayed that God would just pave the way for us, if this is His intended plan for us. And I do trust that He will, that He cares for us, that He has a good plan. So... praying for continued courage for tomorrow.

eligible?

jeremy and i completed a home study in april to be eligible for adoption. eligible to be parents? we had to complete parenting trainings that, probably, every parent would benefit from, not that they were all that informative. people just tell us all the time "nothing can prepare you..."
we are ok with that. we just want the opportunity to experience it.

if i had somehow conceived in april, instead of gone to parenting trainings, i would be about 6 and 1/2 months pregnant right now. i have a whole new appreciation for women going throught that long wait. april seems like forever-ago.

this week, we will be meeting an expectant couple who have chosen adoption for their child. they have read our "adoption profile" and asked to meet with us to discuss open adoption arrangements. a baby boy is expected to be born late january 2011. to think that he might get to belong with us... lights up my eyes and makes me hold my breath just a little.