embracing the here and now.

my "daily promises" verse today is from Mark 11:22-24:
"Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing wil be too much for you... That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything."

yesterday our church recognized "Sanctity of Life Sunday" and had a guest speaker from the local Pregnancy Center who shared stories and reminded us of the unique and individual purposes God has for each life, that life beginning at conception. she reminded us of the 52 million lives ended through abortion since 1973, and 12 abortions every 5 minutes of her 45 minute talk. 

following the speaker, our pastor led the congregation in a time of prayer for the women in crisis pregnancies, for healing for those affected by abortion, for strength for new and hopeful parents - both through pregancy and adoption. it was encouraging to be included and lifted up in those prayers, and very tangible to us, that our church community is so hopefully and confidently talking with God on our behalf.

sometimes I'm not sure what to pray for, but I'm so thankful that God sees the whole picture when I do not.
on thursday, we had a doctor's appointment with a specialist who basically turned upside down the things we had heard three years ago about our potential to conceive. this specialist told us we had a 60% chance of finding sperm to be used with ICSI (procedure where sperm are surgically retrieved and then injected into retrieved eggs, in the lab, and then placed back into the uterus for implantation).  60% chance? i'll tell you, the thoughts in the last few days have been all over the place. at first, how can you not want to try it? 60% versus "most likely impossible" seems like a big deal, right?  and yet, in context of the same situation we are in for all other intents and purposes, we're left to discuss: what do we want, who do we want to be, and at what cost are we willing to go after those things?  so we continue to prayerfully consider the answer to all of those questions...

tomorrow we plan to start classes with the local children's services organization to become eligible to serve as foster parents, and at the very least, to learn more about parenting, and the needs in our local community. we are taking steps, not certain of what will happen, but open to embrace whatever it is God has in store.

i guess i have a case of the "new year blahs". i'm having a hard time 1. feeling optimistic, 2. finding motivation to... fill in the blank, 3.deciding on resolutions that i can't with confidence believe i will follow, and 4. not being annoyed by people who are more successful or prone to do any of # 1-3.

i heard someone say that the best advice they had received while in the "waiting to adopt" stage was to "keep living". i know, somewhere, that this is exactly what i should be doing more faithfully, but i suppose right now i just don't feel like it. (that's not a cry for help or suicide warning). i'm just tired. and there's nothing that sounds all that appealing about life besides moving forward, but i don't want to move forward into other things without that one thing that i'm waiting for. so, i guess i'm stuck. exactly where i don't want to be. i'm thinking maybe some zoloft or welbutrin might do the trick. i think there's actually something wrong in my brain. perhaps selfinduced by internalized sadness and disappointment... over, and over, and over again. and something more than january's lack of sunshine. the sun was even shining again today a bit. two days in a row. but it's not shining inside my heart. my heart is in a hole. it's dark there. it wants to take a long long nap.
it wants to hide out for a little while... not have to put a smile on, not have to feel, not have to "do" anything.

i am grateful, truly, for the season of hopeful expectation we just experienced, regardless of the fact that it ended in disappointment. what else is new. but right now, even though a little voice tells me i can still be in that season, it feels artificial to be hopeful again. it feels foolish, like i'm  actually putting out cookies and waiting for Santa Claus. and a teeny bit of fire lights up (faith) that says - "He's coming" - but every part of reality seems to try to stomp out the flame. and my heart, which wants to win the argument, cries out "why does it have to take so long!?"

so please pray for me, friends. (and I know that you are.)
how much do i want to understand what this is all for. why the repetative series of hopes being disappointed. and i do believe that this is not forever, and that God is at work. I believe it somewhere, anyway. I hear the verses of scripture there. but my heart feels pretty numb. so, teeny bit of fire... keep burning... warm up those freezing cold numb parts again... circulate... Lord, let my heart warm up and help me to know, even when i don't see.