Sunday, December 16, 2012
a mother's heart
this morning in church my attention was drawn to Luke 1 - to Mary's song, her words of prophecy and knowing of her coming son, the one who would save the world. heal it. feed it. quench its thirst. redeem it. my heart is in a different place this Christmas, perhaps looking at things in a new way, from a new-to-me place, from a different heart... a mom heart. what humility and belief - vision and understanding of the great purpose, the exceptional task ahead... and to rejoice in him, and do life - day by day, trusting in the God of the universe despite not seeing the whole plan, not understanding all the details. my soul magnifies the Lord.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Birthday Eve ~ remembering one year ago
One year ago, I was pacing the hallways of a maternity ward, waiting for our son to be born. My husband and I were fortunate to have the privilege of staying in the hospital until we were able to take our son home, since the maternity ward had special rooms for "special situations" so that parents could stay with babies until they were released to go home. In our case, that would be 72 hours from birth. We arrived at the hospital on a Monday, after getting the call that morning that birthmom had gone into labor, so we knew we'd be staying until at least Thursday... and ultimately turned out to be Friday. We settled in as best we could that first night, hesitant to bring in our diaper bag and baby supplies until we were certain (or pretty certain) that we would actually be bringing baby home. And yet, we took it in stride. There was so much peace there for us. Lots of silent prayers. Some brief moments of fear. But ultimately, we had a sense that everything was going to be just as it would be, and it was out of our control. We chose to be as present as we could be.
Monday afternoon, we had had a chance to visit briefly a couple times with birthmom, who was laboring down the hall. Things weren't progressing very rapidly and she was eventually given medication to help speed up the labor. Our conversations were lighthearted and birthmom seemed very calm about everything, easy going. We met her parents for the first time that afternoon. Her mother seemed distant, her father seemed uncomfortable. We did our best to make an honest first impression, and tried to be careful to give space and not intrude on the experience for birthmom. We did a lot of waiting. There were times that we weren't sure what to do with ourselves. It was clear to us which nurses were comfortable with our "situation" and our expected role, and which nurses were not. We sometimes felt at a loss for words explaining who we were; "adoptive parents for room 131"? No one had given us any guidance or information about what to expect at the hospital, or what to do. We were walking through the experience blindly, without instrucion. Never having done a hospital tour, or childbirth classes, we were relying on our own intuitions and common sense and praying for guidance to navigate the situation as graciously as we could.
Late in the night, well past midnight, my husband was snoozing in one of our two hospital beds, and I decided to venture out in to the hallway, and maybe see if any of our ally-nurses were at the nurses station so that maybe I could get an update about what was going on. The nurse on duty who started at 11 seemed pretty understanding. Maybe she would be around. Instead, I saw birthmom's mother sitting in one of the chairs at the end of our hallway, all by herself. Something nudged me to go over and ask her how she was doing. I was struck with a lot of compassion for this woman, who clearly seemed to be struggling, and I wanted to make a connection if I could. We ended up talking for quite a while. She shared a bit of how she was feeling and spoke to her confidence in her daughter choosing our profile and how her daughter had felt confirmed after meeting us that she had chosen the right people to raise her baby. I shared that we had felt the same after meeting her daughter, that this was the "birthmom" that was the right fit for us, and that we believed God had put it all together. It was hard to guage her reaction to what I shared, but the conversation continued, and she eventually welcomed me to go with her again and check on her daughter who, she figured, wasn't sleeping much. We had a quick visit and decided to turn in for a while since things were going slow... she was feeling a little bit more uncomforable but was going to try to sleep...
When I woke up later on it was about 6am. I woke up a bit panicked, not having planned to sleep that long. What if I missed the birth?! I checked in at the nurses station and was allowed to pop in birthmom's room. She was awake and welcomed me in to her room. She was clearly in more active labor and took breaks in our conversation with contractions. I think, remembering back, I wasn't sure how close she was to delivering, and I remember feeling a lot of admiration for her. But I also felt a bit out of place. I wanted to be very careful to be respectful of her privacy and not ask too many questions. She seemed very willing to answer anything I did ask, and seemed pretty "no nonsense" about delivering, and I couldn't seem to get a good sense about where she was at emotionally. So I just was there. Shortly. And then it was time - I asked her if she wanted me to get the nurse and she said yes, so that was what I did... and then I got Jeremy... and then we stood in the hall, feeling a little out of place... with one nurse warning us that we really weren't allowed to be in the hall but that she would let it slide until shift change (which was at 7am). We paced, keeping our ears open, watching and listening as orders were given, the doctor was called, aides went in and out of the room with various supplies, trying to stay out of the way, but wanting so much to be right there... finally the doctor arrived and within minutes we heard that first cry. A baby was born. 6:48am. Alive. Crying. Our baby? Our baby. More nurses orders, "cord blood kit", blankets, the doctor sat to do paperwork, and we were instructed to go to our room and wait until someone came to get us...
These are just some of the details. Honestly, I haven't processed this all to try to recount the events until now. I can't express the emotion loaded into even the smallest details. I'm glad to have it written down. I will need to work at unpacking it... and sharing more.
Monday, July 30, 2012
hello again.
it's been a while...
there are so many thoughts jumbled in my "mommy-brain" (half-functioning, it seems) right now. I keep telling myself I need to schedule a writing time into my life, and I keep not doing it. It is becoming glaringly apparent to me that I am poor with both discipline and time management, and these weaknesses are affecting me lately on so many levels across the areas in my life. I want to turn a new leaf... and I guess the only way to do so is to do it... but then there's the stick-to-it, and I'm not sure what I need to develop that. It's not too natural, I'm afraid...
I don't really know if anyone actually reads what I am writing, but if you do, please feel free to pipe in with encouragements and advice regarding the aforementioned weaknesses of mine. I could use some friends to support and challenge me in the journey.
I read a quote a few weeks ago (on somebody's facebook, who was quoting someone else, who I cannot give due credit because I don't remember) that went something like this regarding the passions/visions that God gives you: If he gives them to you, he has already equipped you to bring them to fulfillment. That idea keeps floating through my mind, and I have a few visions, let me tell you. If I look back at my life, I can see how it has been true, and how certainly, God is the giver of the vision and the capability. To mention a few, job changes, marriage, and becoming a parent through adoption. He has always been way ahead of me, and He has always faithfully walked me through. Now, the challenge, I feel, is determining - is this God's vision or mine? And so, I try to patiently (and with fear and trembling, often) inch through the ideas. But often, I think, I don't pursue them, and I think that has sometimes been unfortunate. So, I have a few ideas that I'm going to share here, and make "public" and perhaps that will be my first step to working away at them, as God provides the way. The ideas have been conceived, and somehow need to be nurtured. I am longing for this kind of "growth" in my life.
1. writing about adoption. I have this scary idea (scary to me, because of all the unknowns) to ask our birthmom to write a book with me, sharing both of our experiences from our "opposite" sides along this journey. I think this could be helpful in our own processing, but also helpful to others experiencing a similar journey.
2. developing therapy APPs. ya, totally unrelated to infertility... but related to me. I recently bought an IPAD for my work, and have found a surprising lack of APPs that I could (and would want to) use in therapy with the kids I work with. I have ideas for what I would want to be available... but they do not exist. yet. so... maybe I could somehow do this? The idea is totally overwhelming as I have no knowledge about computer programming and/or how an APP is developed... But, I do have the idea of what one could be... so I think my first step is finding someone who can do write an APP? and again, I seriously have no idea where to start...
3. developing a more structured schedule for my Monday - Friday. The new school year is seriously right around the corner. I feel like summer has just barely begun. We have a busy two weeks ahead, with family camping followed by a trip to California to celebrate my sister's wedding, and as soon as we get home, I'm back to school. I don't have childcare lined up, don't have a schedule of what days I will be working, and honestly, have maybe slightly avoided both for too long, in efforts to have a "relaxing" summer. I have been working some during the last month or so, but haphazardly, with very inconsistent childcare and minimal routines. One result of that has been that I haven't really accomplished things that I wanted to accomplish, nor taken advantage of things going on that I had hoped to. We've had nice relaxing days at home, visits here and there, pool time, gardening, walks with the dog, all at a pretty relaxed pace. While part of me craves the routine of the school year, another part of me wonders how I think I'm going to adjust to it. I am trying to be a better "planner", and not leave things to the last minute, which ultimately just stresses me out.
so... in keeping with the blog... I'm trying to work on being "fertile" again.
there are so many thoughts jumbled in my "mommy-brain" (half-functioning, it seems) right now. I keep telling myself I need to schedule a writing time into my life, and I keep not doing it. It is becoming glaringly apparent to me that I am poor with both discipline and time management, and these weaknesses are affecting me lately on so many levels across the areas in my life. I want to turn a new leaf... and I guess the only way to do so is to do it... but then there's the stick-to-it, and I'm not sure what I need to develop that. It's not too natural, I'm afraid...
I don't really know if anyone actually reads what I am writing, but if you do, please feel free to pipe in with encouragements and advice regarding the aforementioned weaknesses of mine. I could use some friends to support and challenge me in the journey.
I read a quote a few weeks ago (on somebody's facebook, who was quoting someone else, who I cannot give due credit because I don't remember) that went something like this regarding the passions/visions that God gives you: If he gives them to you, he has already equipped you to bring them to fulfillment. That idea keeps floating through my mind, and I have a few visions, let me tell you. If I look back at my life, I can see how it has been true, and how certainly, God is the giver of the vision and the capability. To mention a few, job changes, marriage, and becoming a parent through adoption. He has always been way ahead of me, and He has always faithfully walked me through. Now, the challenge, I feel, is determining - is this God's vision or mine? And so, I try to patiently (and with fear and trembling, often) inch through the ideas. But often, I think, I don't pursue them, and I think that has sometimes been unfortunate. So, I have a few ideas that I'm going to share here, and make "public" and perhaps that will be my first step to working away at them, as God provides the way. The ideas have been conceived, and somehow need to be nurtured. I am longing for this kind of "growth" in my life.
1. writing about adoption. I have this scary idea (scary to me, because of all the unknowns) to ask our birthmom to write a book with me, sharing both of our experiences from our "opposite" sides along this journey. I think this could be helpful in our own processing, but also helpful to others experiencing a similar journey.
2. developing therapy APPs. ya, totally unrelated to infertility... but related to me. I recently bought an IPAD for my work, and have found a surprising lack of APPs that I could (and would want to) use in therapy with the kids I work with. I have ideas for what I would want to be available... but they do not exist. yet. so... maybe I could somehow do this? The idea is totally overwhelming as I have no knowledge about computer programming and/or how an APP is developed... But, I do have the idea of what one could be... so I think my first step is finding someone who can do write an APP? and again, I seriously have no idea where to start...
3. developing a more structured schedule for my Monday - Friday. The new school year is seriously right around the corner. I feel like summer has just barely begun. We have a busy two weeks ahead, with family camping followed by a trip to California to celebrate my sister's wedding, and as soon as we get home, I'm back to school. I don't have childcare lined up, don't have a schedule of what days I will be working, and honestly, have maybe slightly avoided both for too long, in efforts to have a "relaxing" summer. I have been working some during the last month or so, but haphazardly, with very inconsistent childcare and minimal routines. One result of that has been that I haven't really accomplished things that I wanted to accomplish, nor taken advantage of things going on that I had hoped to. We've had nice relaxing days at home, visits here and there, pool time, gardening, walks with the dog, all at a pretty relaxed pace. While part of me craves the routine of the school year, another part of me wonders how I think I'm going to adjust to it. I am trying to be a better "planner", and not leave things to the last minute, which ultimately just stresses me out.
so... in keeping with the blog... I'm trying to work on being "fertile" again.
fer·tile
[fur-tl or, especially Brit., -tahyl] adjective
1. bearing, producing, or capable of producing vegetation, crops, etc., abundantly; prolific: fertile soil.
2. bearing or capable of bearing offspring.
3. abundantly productive: a fertile imagination.
4. producing an abundance (usually followed by of or in ): a land fertile of wheat.
5. conducive to productiveness: fertile showers.
4. writing here. obviously, my previous idea about writing weekly was unsuccessful. I'm not ready to commit to a day yet, but will add it to my to do list. ;)
Monday, March 5, 2012
things don't go the way we plan.
so it's monday. i took a "snow day" and have been hanging out with our little guy who so desperately wants to learn to roll over and who will babble my ear off all day. i am so in love with him! the joy of the reality of having our little boy, and the reality of our day to day events because he is in our life changes so much of everything. so, despite my plans to write here on tuesday mornings, it just hasn't happened. today, on my unplanned day at home, while baby is napping (which is starting to have an acual routine to it) i thought i'd take a few minutes.
much like our life, i'm not really sure where this blog is headed. not sure what to do with it. fact is, i am still infertile. i still (not to sound at all greedy or ungrateful for what we have) want more children. i still pray that a miracle would happen. i still grieve that i haven't been able to be pregnant and wonder what that would be like and if it ever, just maybe, might happen.
my husband and i recently reopened the conversation about "having kids". i asked him, after putting our 4 month old to bed for the night, "do you see us having more children?" and he said "no". however, knowing that his first response typically IS "no" to anything, i tried to not let it phase me too much and figured i'd let the idea simmer for a little while. indeed, when we talked again a few days ago, he had budged to "as long as it happens before I'm 40"... i figure i have a little wiggle room. at least he's open. much less stressful and hopeless than the opposite. of course, none of this actually means we WILL have more children, but at least there's freedom to dream and wish and plan for it to happen. the next question is how. i realize our little bundle is only 4 months. but given how long it took for him to enter our lives, there's (hopefully) no harm in preparing well ahead of time.
much like our life, i'm not really sure where this blog is headed. not sure what to do with it. fact is, i am still infertile. i still (not to sound at all greedy or ungrateful for what we have) want more children. i still pray that a miracle would happen. i still grieve that i haven't been able to be pregnant and wonder what that would be like and if it ever, just maybe, might happen.
my husband and i recently reopened the conversation about "having kids". i asked him, after putting our 4 month old to bed for the night, "do you see us having more children?" and he said "no". however, knowing that his first response typically IS "no" to anything, i tried to not let it phase me too much and figured i'd let the idea simmer for a little while. indeed, when we talked again a few days ago, he had budged to "as long as it happens before I'm 40"... i figure i have a little wiggle room. at least he's open. much less stressful and hopeless than the opposite. of course, none of this actually means we WILL have more children, but at least there's freedom to dream and wish and plan for it to happen. the next question is how. i realize our little bundle is only 4 months. but given how long it took for him to enter our lives, there's (hopefully) no harm in preparing well ahead of time.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
fielding questions and comments
well, tuesday came and went. the morning ended up being a trip to the groomer for our doodle followed by errands. both of these events have become a bit more complicated with a baby in tow. (not complaining!)
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment.
the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.
we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?
what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.
lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment.
the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.
we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?
what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.
lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
104 days
it's been lots and lots of days since i have taken the time to write. i think about it often. i think about it when i'm falling asleep, in the shower, feeding our baby, driving, and any number of other times that i'm not in front of a computer or able to task switch and sit down to write. i tell myself from time to time when i'm thinking about things that i want to write about, "remember that...", but, you know how that goes. in a college writing class years ago (seriously... time flies) i remember digesting the idea that the first step towards "writing well" (check out William Knowlton Zinsser, "On Writing Well") was actually writing. so here i am. i'm not sure this rambling on was what he would be so pleased about, but i'm trying. i'm writing. maybe not well yet, but hopefully this will get me back into a habit. there is so much i would like to process through writing from these last 104 days and before them.
my plan is to try to set aside time on Tuesday Mornings to write. tuesdays i am home with no work on my schedule. i am happy that tuesdays, i can wear comfy clothes, choose whether or not to bother showering, play on the floor with my happy three-month-old, and i would like to build in writing... during nap time? we'll see; i don't really have a good plan yet. i know, i should.
so what am i going to write about? i think i need to write about a few different things. the obvious, infertility ultimately led us to adoption - chance, providence, miracle, what i was hoping for... and our hope was finally realized. but none of it has been simple. not for this little head and heart, at least. like all things in my experience, what we plan, look ahead to, try to prepare for, rarely goes as anticipated, but living, stepping forward, has brought things that stretch us, bless us, (scare us, anger us, frustrate us, hurt us), heal us, grow us... that's the "angle" i've chosen to try to live from, in this continued journey of growing, accepting, hoping against, living with, infertility.
i don't anticipate a progression or storyline in my writing right now. i just have several blurbs of thought, emotion, experience to try to put into words. i'm hoping i can remember, but i suppose new ones will emerge as well.
upcoming perhaps - blurbs about maintaining an open adoption, taking thoughts captive, difficult relationships, sleep deprivation, prayer, unanswered questions and bad obgyns, supporting friends, establishing our home routines, lullabies, boundaries and letting people into our experience, post-placement visits, dreams come true, being a working mom, missing pregnancy and still hoping for a miracle, sharing others' joy and celebration, answering "would you guys do it again"?, loneliness, and home improvements...
tuesday morning. looking forward to it.
my plan is to try to set aside time on Tuesday Mornings to write. tuesdays i am home with no work on my schedule. i am happy that tuesdays, i can wear comfy clothes, choose whether or not to bother showering, play on the floor with my happy three-month-old, and i would like to build in writing... during nap time? we'll see; i don't really have a good plan yet. i know, i should.
so what am i going to write about? i think i need to write about a few different things. the obvious, infertility ultimately led us to adoption - chance, providence, miracle, what i was hoping for... and our hope was finally realized. but none of it has been simple. not for this little head and heart, at least. like all things in my experience, what we plan, look ahead to, try to prepare for, rarely goes as anticipated, but living, stepping forward, has brought things that stretch us, bless us, (scare us, anger us, frustrate us, hurt us), heal us, grow us... that's the "angle" i've chosen to try to live from, in this continued journey of growing, accepting, hoping against, living with, infertility.
i don't anticipate a progression or storyline in my writing right now. i just have several blurbs of thought, emotion, experience to try to put into words. i'm hoping i can remember, but i suppose new ones will emerge as well.
upcoming perhaps - blurbs about maintaining an open adoption, taking thoughts captive, difficult relationships, sleep deprivation, prayer, unanswered questions and bad obgyns, supporting friends, establishing our home routines, lullabies, boundaries and letting people into our experience, post-placement visits, dreams come true, being a working mom, missing pregnancy and still hoping for a miracle, sharing others' joy and celebration, answering "would you guys do it again"?, loneliness, and home improvements...
tuesday morning. looking forward to it.
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