Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
story behind the blog. part one.
my name for this blog was deliberate. chance. what are the chances (that we would be in this situation)? what are the chances (that will come of this situation)? the unknowns are mind blowing at times. but truly i do have hope and wonder for how our story will continue.
so how did we get here?
on my birthday, two years ago, Jeremy and I visited a urologist who broke the news and indicated his suspicion that Jeremy may have a condition called Klinefelter Syndrome. His sperm count was ZERO and bloodwork was to be done at Mayo Clinic to examine the keryotype of his DNA to confirm the suspicion. We were referred to a genetic specialist and an endocrinologist for further medical care following the results which confirmed the diagnosis.
prior to the visit with the urologist, we had visited the fertility clinic (where i would later go through the IUI process) for the original semen analysis, per recommendation of my OB-GYN. (count, already 5 doctors on the case, each with their respective staff... so many people). my fertility doc gave us the initial alternatives for conceiving a child, suggesting both the sperm donor list, and "snowflakes" (embryo adoption), planting those seeds in our minds (or... my mind anyway). the genetic specialist spoke to us of adoption and asked if there might be a suitable family sperm donor, in the case we might want to pursue a pregnancy. our quick reaction was "no way", and our focus became learning about adoption.
those initial many months seem like a blur. we were determined to walk boldly through the process and not wallow in the dark pit of grief and fear and pain. i remember feeling very connected with jeremy in our determination, but very alone in my own personal moments of sadness and loss. i tried very hard to be courageous, to not "blame" the feeling of emptiness on his biology. to find some kind of humor and wonder in the fact that God had put me (ME, the one who only ever wanted to get married and have lots of babies) with this man who was... sterile. I would cry myself to sleep.
we kept busy attending informational meetings, workshops, reading info packets on different adoption options, but we were blown in lots of directions (mostly by our own indecision i suppose), never seeming to get anywhere (still feels like that somehow!), and i was having a very hard time with the apparent fact that i would never have a pregnancy. still full of grief.
one weekend, I returned from a trip to visit old friends and came home to a new conversation - Jeremy had been thinking and wanted to ask his brother to be our sperm donor. I remember a smile coming over my heart. it felt like hope. but then all the thoughts of "implications" started, all the doubts, fears, and unknowns overwhelmed me. Months of conversations, pauses, trying to find alternatives led finally to a measure of peace that allowed us to proceed to "try" the idea.
"Directed Sperm Donors" have to go through a lengthy process of tests and proceedures before their samples can be used, so we were subjected to more waiting. In the meantime, I had to go through testing of my own to make sure I'd be ready for the fertility process. more roadblocks.
in September of 2009 I was scheduled for a test to ensure my fallopian tubes were open and ready for action. I went to the test thinking "this is a waste of money," assuming all would be fine. after one of the most painful medical procedures I had ever experienced, (and I had gone by myself, so I had only the radiologist - a colleague, to boot - to comfort me, which he didn't, really) I lay on the radiology table, tears in my eyes, but resolute. "OK. I guess we're adopting then". my doctor wasn't so quick to give up. he had me return the next day for a less invasive procedure to retest, in case the blocked tubes were only my reaction to the test (the result of muscle spasm). the second test had the same results as the first, and I left the clinic with a new focus ("get out of my way, infertility, i have mothering to do").
to be continued...
so how did we get here?
on my birthday, two years ago, Jeremy and I visited a urologist who broke the news and indicated his suspicion that Jeremy may have a condition called Klinefelter Syndrome. His sperm count was ZERO and bloodwork was to be done at Mayo Clinic to examine the keryotype of his DNA to confirm the suspicion. We were referred to a genetic specialist and an endocrinologist for further medical care following the results which confirmed the diagnosis.
prior to the visit with the urologist, we had visited the fertility clinic (where i would later go through the IUI process) for the original semen analysis, per recommendation of my OB-GYN. (count, already 5 doctors on the case, each with their respective staff... so many people). my fertility doc gave us the initial alternatives for conceiving a child, suggesting both the sperm donor list, and "snowflakes" (embryo adoption), planting those seeds in our minds (or... my mind anyway). the genetic specialist spoke to us of adoption and asked if there might be a suitable family sperm donor, in the case we might want to pursue a pregnancy. our quick reaction was "no way", and our focus became learning about adoption.
those initial many months seem like a blur. we were determined to walk boldly through the process and not wallow in the dark pit of grief and fear and pain. i remember feeling very connected with jeremy in our determination, but very alone in my own personal moments of sadness and loss. i tried very hard to be courageous, to not "blame" the feeling of emptiness on his biology. to find some kind of humor and wonder in the fact that God had put me (ME, the one who only ever wanted to get married and have lots of babies) with this man who was... sterile. I would cry myself to sleep.
we kept busy attending informational meetings, workshops, reading info packets on different adoption options, but we were blown in lots of directions (mostly by our own indecision i suppose), never seeming to get anywhere (still feels like that somehow!), and i was having a very hard time with the apparent fact that i would never have a pregnancy. still full of grief.
one weekend, I returned from a trip to visit old friends and came home to a new conversation - Jeremy had been thinking and wanted to ask his brother to be our sperm donor. I remember a smile coming over my heart. it felt like hope. but then all the thoughts of "implications" started, all the doubts, fears, and unknowns overwhelmed me. Months of conversations, pauses, trying to find alternatives led finally to a measure of peace that allowed us to proceed to "try" the idea.
"Directed Sperm Donors" have to go through a lengthy process of tests and proceedures before their samples can be used, so we were subjected to more waiting. In the meantime, I had to go through testing of my own to make sure I'd be ready for the fertility process. more roadblocks.
in September of 2009 I was scheduled for a test to ensure my fallopian tubes were open and ready for action. I went to the test thinking "this is a waste of money," assuming all would be fine. after one of the most painful medical procedures I had ever experienced, (and I had gone by myself, so I had only the radiologist - a colleague, to boot - to comfort me, which he didn't, really) I lay on the radiology table, tears in my eyes, but resolute. "OK. I guess we're adopting then". my doctor wasn't so quick to give up. he had me return the next day for a less invasive procedure to retest, in case the blocked tubes were only my reaction to the test (the result of muscle spasm). the second test had the same results as the first, and I left the clinic with a new focus ("get out of my way, infertility, i have mothering to do").
to be continued...
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