riders

it struck me tonight that we are not the only ones riding this roller coaster of month to month fertility treatments and IUI cycles. so many people in our life are riding with us. sure, maybe we're in that high-risk front seat that has the most suspense and scare as the ups and downs happen... but this journey has an emotional effect on the people who love us.

i noticed this tonight in the reactions of family as we talked about the events of the day. this morning was our third and final (for now anyway) artificial insemination. i sensed a hesitation in the 'hopeful comments' that were/were not offered. maybe these are a safeguard for us in a way. but also for them, i think. we won't get too prematurely excited because, well... we don't want to get your hopes up, especially if there is just going to be disappointment. win, win, right? if something miraculous DOES occur, then you get to be all the more excited. but this feels like being cheated in a way. i want to be freely excited and hopeful now.

it's interesting hearing people put voice to the emotions they experience on our behalf ~ or on their own, as there are several stakeholders in this process. hopeful friends, longing grandparents, concerned siblings. especially interesting when the emotions seem stronger or more free than my own. again, more evidence to me, i believe, that we all experience this journey uniquely.

so today begins the two week waiting period. like the gestation period of baby chicks (give or take a week). we will try hard not to count our chickens before they hatch... (we had 5 nice looking follicles) and i think time will not tick fast enough.

i am so grateful for the "riders" with us. Jeremy sent a mass text message this morning to most of them, asking for their prayers. what an amazing thing. in another analogy, all these "burden bearers" along side us (or behind... in the train...) really do some how lighten the load. they share as best they can, each in their own way, and help us feel a little less alone, as we venture forward, not knowing what twists and turns might be ahead. even if we have to face them directly, those "riders" behind us are sharing the experience. thanks. for care, for perspective, for just being with us.

looking up

after my visit the other day with dr. reality-check ("human reproduction is an inefficient process and we do our best to set up a situation that mimics a natural pregnancy, giving you about a 20% chance of conception... your best chance is IVF") and leaving with a lump in my throat vs. hopeful smiles, i was told to go purchase an ovulation predictor kit to check if I ovulated on my own so we wouldn't "miss our window" by waiting until today for the IUI. so i've dutifully been peeing on a stick, looking for the two lines. still no success. I guess up until this morning that's a good thing (that i didn't prematurely ovulate) but i thought this morning i should be two-lining it, since the insemination will be happening in a couple of hours. I called the office but the nurse assured me (after talking with dr. reality-check) that everything was fine and i should be releasing my eggs any time in the next 12 hours and that was good since the sperm will already be "on board". ok... i have some skepticisim, but what am I to do but listen to the pros?

i slept well, for which i'm grateful. i had, also, some holy moments last night with jeremy. a blessing. prayer and tears. and we raise our heads and look to the One who actually does have a say in all of this. God said.... and it was good. praying he speaks today, life into being. inside of me.

all for happy eggs.

the subtle comment of my doctor the other day about how my "rather high dose" of fertility meds are making my eggs happy, even if they aren't making ME happy really doesn't do justice to how these meds are affecting me.

i'm certain my current state (or my state last night, sobbing into toilet paper because my husband couldn't locate a kleenex box) is also related to the other stressors in my life right now (work, and anxiety about getting pregnant) but my ability to cope with these stressors i think has to be directly affected by these meds. i am out of sorts. my body, with all its intricate inner-workings is being put on overdrive by this "food" i'm injecting into my lower abdomen to plump up and promote "happy eggs". it becomes a ripple effect (best as i can understand it). the eggs grow and signal my hormones that my ovaries should be getting ready to release the "happy eggs" and it's all just a little different timing from what my body typically does (or doesn't do? that's the question up for discussion, medically) on it's own. all those changes are effected by and signaling other things in my brain... and i can just imagine how the neurons are trying to make sense of it all... my brain is confused. directions say "go" when things want to "slow" and "stop" when things want to "go!". i'm exhausted.

and yet, as much as i want to just snuggle on the couch today, life calls. responsibilities need to be fulfilled. i know i need more than just "getting pregnant" as my full-time job. but it's stressful to feel pulled in different directions. i'm on "slow" today but reality is saying "ok. let's go." hmm.

a pleasant change after expecting more of the same.

this morning i had an appointment with a different doctor in our fertility clinic since ours had the day off. I was told last week when i went in for my first "scan" that this would be happening and at first i was a little turned off. just one more case of being passed around. how many more people do i need to be examined by? is it a regular thing to switch between doctors? but i decided that it might be a positive change. I'd heard only positive comments about this other doctor in the practice. so, in i went, for my second scan.



this visit was different. i had the "new nurse" again, from last week. she was kind and calm. (maybe sometime later i'll write about the past experiences in this clinic that have been less than comfortable). she reminded me that the other doctor would be seeing me, after giving the regular instructions (empty bladder, everything off from the waist down, use the sheet on the table to cover up, feet in the stirrups. check.) the new doctor knocked, checked if i was ready before entering, introduced himself, and had a very different countenance than what i've become accustomed to. he was positive, cheerful, encouraging, and optimistic. "how are those eggs doing? let's take a look!" i think i almost smiled.

and to top it all off, this doctor actually allowed me a little discretion, managed to do the internal ultrasound without having to get his head under the sheets. (sounds crass, i know. but seriously.)



so the verdict from today - i have 2 or 3 really "happy eggs" (as he called them - "happy eggs grow quickly") and about 20 others that are smaller that we'll continue to watch in the next few days. i looked at those "happy eggs" and another smiled came on my face. they looked like the 3 bears. one large, one medium, and one small.

he even gave me a picture!



what's also interesting is that the doctor had looked at my history over the last several months from other visits, surgery, etc. and had some new information that i hadn't heard before. he discussed the variables that might have been factors in the lack of success in our other IUI cycles, including that in my last attempt "[my] estrogen level was crap" at only 238. Apparently he thinks it should be more like 400+ if we're likely to have success. (i don't really know what those numbers mean, however....) but that brought up more questions - "then why did he (our doctor) go ahead with it? he knows we have limited chances..." which this doctor couldn't exactly explain. He gave me some advice in terms of what to ask our doctor and what to keep an eye on in the next week... so i'm feeling a little more informed. i'm sure even this guy is giving me a limited scope of information, but at least it's more than i had before.



on my way out i picked up my free copy of "Conceive" magazine, stopped at the market to get some fruit & veggies... i'm working on keeping an optimistic attitude (which almost moves me to tears). i feel hopeful, and yet very aware that this is all so completely out of my control. i'll do my part as best as i can and trust that just as i am fearfully and wonderfully made, my Creator can do all things ~ and far more abundantly that all we ask or imagine. so i'm again just humbly praying for his favor on us as we long for new life.



a good friend recently reminded me that she continues to uplift us in prayer, and her prayer is that God will "release a soul" for us to love and care for. beautiful.

disclaimer.

In a previous job, I once heard the advice that it was more wise to talk about the things you struggle with once you're at the other side of them. Share the victories. The things I learned. This advice was given in context of sharing as a professional, so perhaps there is some wisdom there that I'm glad I was able to glean from at the time. But I've struggled to decide when was the "wise time" to share about this current struggle. Particularly in this venue.

I've always been a "writer". I have a rubbermaid bin filled with my journals from the past, which I periodically look back on. It's how I've processed my life in the past. Not worried about being on any particular "side" but writing about my thoughts and emotions now. Somewhere in adolescence that started to change. When I went away to college, my sister designed and created a journal for me, and inscribed on the inside cover that it was for me to write without worrying about messing up the pages... when did I become so careful about expressing my every thought? so afraid I wouldn't explain myself right?

I filled that artfully created journal, and a handful of other ones throughout my college and post-college years. In grad school, I started journalling again with a vengeance. I was living. In the moment. I felt alive. There was much to think about, write about, process.

When I got engaged, I remember telling another sister that I felt like everything was going by too quickly. I didn't have enough time to write, and I felt like I couldn't process everything that was happening! She encouraged me that I would have time later to write. That I wouldn't forget all that had happened.

When I got married, I stopped writing. My husband gave me a journal as a wedding gift and inscribed in it that it was for me to record all the happy things that happened in our married life together. I did write on different occasions, but I was afraid to write and process the things that happened that weren't what I expected. Were they worth writing about?

I've always had a sense that I had an audience. Even in my journals. ha. "what if someone picks this up and reads it someday? a granddaughter. a great-granddaughter..." or, some days I wrote out my prayers. Having an audience keeps me honest maybe. Motivates me to explain my thoughts. But maybe doesn't allow me to be honest? Totally open and defenseless?

So while I've thought about "blogging" my walk through this experience, all these thoughts challenge or question whether this is the right time. My motivations are many, I suppose: to express my thoughts and have a place to do so; to put a voice to this lonely experience; to find support; to take a risk; to learn.

I'm not "on the other side"... and when will I be on "the other side" of this one? To be honest, I have some pretty stringent terms of what I'd hope that "other side" looks like, and quite frankly, if it means coming to terms with barenness, I've not been sure I'd ever actually start writing. And maybe that's my process, and maybe there's another answer I haven't quite imagined.

If you'd like... journey with me.