the subtle comment of my doctor the other day about how my "rather high dose" of fertility meds are making my eggs happy, even if they aren't making ME happy really doesn't do justice to how these meds are affecting me.
i'm certain my current state (or my state last night, sobbing into toilet paper because my husband couldn't locate a kleenex box) is also related to the other stressors in my life right now (work, and anxiety about getting pregnant) but my ability to cope with these stressors i think has to be directly affected by these meds. i am out of sorts. my body, with all its intricate inner-workings is being put on overdrive by this "food" i'm injecting into my lower abdomen to plump up and promote "happy eggs". it becomes a ripple effect (best as i can understand it). the eggs grow and signal my hormones that my ovaries should be getting ready to release the "happy eggs" and it's all just a little different timing from what my body typically does (or doesn't do? that's the question up for discussion, medically) on it's own. all those changes are effected by and signaling other things in my brain... and i can just imagine how the neurons are trying to make sense of it all... my brain is confused. directions say "go" when things want to "slow" and "stop" when things want to "go!". i'm exhausted.
and yet, as much as i want to just snuggle on the couch today, life calls. responsibilities need to be fulfilled. i know i need more than just "getting pregnant" as my full-time job. but it's stressful to feel pulled in different directions. i'm on "slow" today but reality is saying "ok. let's go." hmm.
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