appointed

appointed
–adjective

1. by, through, or as a result of an appointment (often in contrast with elected ): an appointed official.
2. predetermined; arranged; set: They met at the appointed time in the appointed place.
3. provided with what is necessary; equipped; furnished: a beautifully appointed office.
 
 
it's a cold rainy spring afternoon. a wednesday. plump in the middle of another week. i'm cold and my body hurts and i am glad to by home at 2 in the afternoon and away from people. but i feel like writing. maybe it will help me understand "where i am" right now. i don't feel like i'm waiting, i don't feel like i'm down, i just am. i have been feeling content. not on the verge of something, or finished with something, but in the midst... i guess. i have enough work to do, but not so much that i can't be flexible with it, and not so much that i feel stressed by it. i am getting enough rest. i eat well, and probably a bit too much. i have time to bake and cook, and keep my house tidy.  i exercise. i have time to read. i have time to pray. i have time to think about things. i have time to listen. and just recently i've had time to start writing down my questions again. what i want to understand better. these are mostly specific to my work. but good. directive.

these last several weeks took us on another rollercoaster of hopefulness resulting in grief, again. and not just us, but all the people who care so much. i think "they" really carried us through it and carried the burdens of expectant anxiety, impatience, frustration and sadness on our behalf. we nearly made it through unscathed. and here we are, in such a different reality from a few short weeks ago and you hardly remember what that was all like. but you know that "what could have been" isn't. and you wonder if it ever will be. you go through each stage of grief, denial (maybe they'll still change their mind), anger (towards the agency for setting up such a ridiculous situation that would ultimately end in disappointment for several people), bargaining (looking at other potential quick fixes to change our situation), sadness/depression (quiet tears, time away from "life" nestled in at home, together) and acceptance. this didn't kill us. we are together, feeling uniquely, but supporting each other and walking forward...

we're just in the midst, though. we know things are not in our hands. we are trying to be cautious about making any changes to our current plan, without a clear sense of direction. so we just keep living. and in that, i'm reminded of this idea of being transformed (2 Corinthians 3:18)...  sometimes when i get particularly "heady" and lost in my thoughts i start questioning what our lives are really for. the typical milestones seem to give such structure to the lives of others. and yet they don't all happen for all of us. and it's tempting to allow that reality to try to rob meaning. by the same token, it's sometimes hard to cling to the idea that God is writing a story with your life, with it's unique twists and turns. we learn that it's for his glory. his glory revealed in our story. so all the hopes and dreams for our lives must be held onto loosely? or are we to push for them, when obstacles get in the way? or "be still", "wait"...

i suppose waiting would be easier if you knew you were waiting for something... so i cling to that verse in Isaiah that says: "those who hope in the Lord, will not be disappointed" (49:23).  not sure what is coming, but hoping.  and trusting we are "appointed" for some good thing.

can i give up infertility for lent?

years ago, when my now-almost-teenaged nieces were much younger the topic of "giving up things" for lent came up. i suppose they had been encouraged to "give up" something, as a way of focusing more on Jesus and what he "gave up" for us. their ideas give me a chuckle year after year when "lent" comes around. if i remember correctly, ideas such as giving up "lying", "bedtime", and "barbies" were discussed. haha... "i'm going to give up lying!" good idea.  well, not that i have a lot of control over it, but if i did, i'd like to give up infertility this year, please.

in a way, though, i am going to "give it up" for the next 40. it's not going to be my focus. my empty womb/arms/nursery will not be given the same attention/focus during this time. i will realign (with God's help) my desires and pray for open eyes and ears to see and hear and experience the goodness God has for me. and i trust that this can be more lasting than the 40 days. but i'm reminded today of the intentionality of starting somewhere.  I heard on Christian radio today this message: You wouldn't want God so much if He didn't want you so much first. He is capable of wooing us to Him and realigning our desires to look more like His. He does it because of LOVE. and He works for the GOOD of those who love Him. i'm choosing to trust that.