distractions

my realization of how i undoubtedly try to "distract" myself with constant changes is not news to many of the people in my life who "see" me. but is this really just a coping mechanism or can i claim a bit of normalcy in this compulsion of mine? can't we just call it trying to be alive? new job, new city, new paint colors, new hairstyle, new outfit. i think intentional changes become catalysts for other internal changes as well. new mood, new idea, new perspective.

so here are a few changes i'm contemplating right now and wondering if they'll make a difference. 1. curly hair. trying that today. 2. put away (or give away?) the willow tree pregnant lady figurine that was given to me last christmas by a well-meaning/hopeful family member. 3. find a new church. 4. start my phD. 5. move away (not connected, necessarily with #4) and start life fresh in a new city, preferrably with close proximity to an ocean.

Lord help me remember...

in a moment of honest clarity i admitted to my s.i.l. this afternoon that the growth that i have seen and experienced with my husband, even small teeny growth, in being able to talk together about what God might be doing in our lives... might be leading us to... and the moments of prayer we have shared... those things i am so grateful for. and in light of eternity, with the rest of our marriage before us, i would not trade a baby for that growth. how could i, truly? i would rather have that growth and see it continue than have a baby and not that growth. prayers have been answered. God knows what he's doing.

if not for people.

i have promised myself i will eventually write out the whole story of how we got to the point we are, as i continue to process the answer to that question. i suppose that just means i've promised myself that i will let our story be public. for the people. not just for me, for us, for a few select connected souls... i have "journalled" very little along the way, in fact. i have kept the story even from myself at times, and kept it from "people". maybe this is a way of keeping from admitting that it's really our reality? I've been waiting for it all to get wrapped up nicely, or at least for the turning point in the story. but i'm not even privy to know where we are in our story - only God knows that for sure, right?, but the other night, i was [collapsed] in bed (not one of my finest moments) and had what i can only describe as a series of flashbacks ~ seeing pictures of key moments, conversations, realizations along the way from the last 2-3 years that led us to the fertility interventions that we chose (and just completed... with no success).

i don't think it's been all for not, amazingly, even though the end result was not what we were pursuing. and yet, more grief comes in remembering some of the very difficult, if not painful, conversations with family, friends, medical professionals along the way. "people" have truly disappointed [us] along this journey. "people" have said hurtful things, out of misunderstanding and/or closemindedness. "people" have hugely affected our feelings in this process, invoking shame, guilt, fear, worry. somehow we seemed to overcome it... but why do we let other people have such influence? by the same token, "people" have encouraged us, inspired hope in us, provided us with new/different perspective, and... have been inspired by us, as well.

people... make life so complicated.

i am short for words to express the feelings i have on this struggle. the whole "can't live with'em, can't live without'em" adage comes to mind, but that seems more simple than the emotions i have about PEOPLE. funny... this whole current ordeal is all about people. people who want to make more people... raise people, birth people, help people... people who are unable to produce more people... but maybe there are other people... who need people. maybe this is just life. what about other people is so hard for me to deal with?

love.

is my heart so broken that it's hard to accept the existence of people, and their "contributions" to my life? perhaps this is common humanity, but in the painful times in life, is it just natural to want to steal away and avoid those "contributions"?

did i miss something in psych 101? I'm sure this isn't as mind-busting as i think it must be...

no concluding statements tonight.

daily promise

years ago, my dad gave me a daily calendar filled with scripture verses ~ "God's promises for you". Today my verse says:

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out. "Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?..." Everything comes from him; Everying happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! (from Romans 11:33-36)


I sense - both today and yesterday - that grace is surrounding both Jeremy and I in these delecate moments... even "lifting us up" above what I anticipated would feel much more dreadful. (thank you to those who are praying for us). no, I can't figure it out - His deep, deep wisdom. But, somehow, I do believe He's got a plan and purpose in all this, and though it is clearly NOT my plan, (and I'm feeling pretty "in the dark" about what the plan may be and so much wanting to start and move into whatever it is since it isn't what i thought or hoped it was), i'm able to cling to the faith that... God is good and His plans for us are good. And while some would say that's dillusional... i'm sure thankful for the peace that comes in having that faith. and that's supernatural.


i often find myself thinking about the idea of God's promises to us... in reference to promises in scripture about fertility, there's the story of Abraham and Sarah and the promise that God would use them to start a nation... and 80 years later their baby, Isaac, arrives. I just read about that one again the other day in my daily devotional. Sarah laughed at that promise (about 9 months before Isaac was born). What a joke, to have a child so late in life... even back in bible times. I can't imagine. no thanks... on claiming that promise. if i'm ever going to have a miracle baby, God, please don't wait 'til I'm 83. That would just be embarassing. (yes, i'm making it about me and not Him... and His purposes. and isn't that an interesting observation. isn't that what we're usually doing in most of our requests?) Scripture tells us "present your requests to God", and "you do not have, because you do not ask", and "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your hearts" and... ... and i know, that there's a mismatch somewhere. reality is, the desires of my heart are more often than not for ME and MY purposes and hopes and dreams... more than for HIS... and I'm so limited to know what those are... but also undisciplined I suppose. This is all speculation ~ I'm also not saying there is some sort of "equation" or economics to the answering of prayer, or to "getting what you ask for". We've certainly done our asking, and even became much more specific in our prayers. And i hesitate to even start down the road of "why didn't he give us what we asked for?" but... i have a sense that that will be made more clear in time. a friend once gave me a little plaque that had this written on it: "God's answers to prayer: 1. Yes, 2. Not yet, 3. I have a better plan in mind. I'm biased, but #2 and #3 really are the hard answers to deal with, don't you think?

but back to the idea of "promise", I wonder sometimes if there's any overlap between our desires and dreams and God's promises. If God is in us, and the one who shapes and inspires our dreams and desires, does he bring them to fruition? Here's an example i often think about... The night I met my husband (on a blind date after a brief online introduction, literally 2 online conversations, one of which almost made me call the whole thing off) we were having coffee after dinner and i remember looking across the table at him and picturing him beside me in the delivery room as I got ready to give birth. That was, truly, the "moment" i clung to during our courtship and how I felt i "knew" that he was "the one"... so... does that qualify as some kind of "promise" of my future? Will that envisioned moment EVER be a reality? The one thing we had in common, and the essential foundation in our relationship was that we both desired to have children. That was all I thought I ever wanted. That common goal (and all the sentiment behind it on both of our parts) inspired our love for each other and our commitment to marriage. the power in all of that, we believe came from God. we believe HE put us together and HE would make the pieces fall into place. so... ?

even in writing this i sense how frail the pieces are, and in turn, how frail our relationship has been at times. how delicate and hidden our hope has been. and when i read what i know is true of what i've believed over the years, it all seems so weak. but it's real. and here we are, with a big question mark in front of us of what comes next. but closer and stronger after walking through these first 4 years together... and neither of us anticipated anything like what that's been. and even though it's been painful, it's certainly taken us to new heights. have we experienced the "extravagant generosity of God?" ~ (well, though it sure may be a "funny way of showing it") maybe this is part of that right now...

one line.

well, the wait is over. not pregnant.



(empty lines above signify waiting for words to say)...

so i go on with my day. check my purse for tampons and out the door i go. if i had oatmeal to cry into, perhaps i would, but i opted for starbucks drive-thru. i deserve it.

no tears this morning. i did my pre-emptive crying the last few days anyway.

i suppose i have to let all the other "riders" know that the ride is being closed down. thanks for all your months of patronage.
(this is why you kind of want to avoid telling anyone what's going on in the first place... so you're not the only one counting days and so you don't have to let everyone in on your most intimate bodily functions... and yet, you do tell people. perhaps hoping that all their excitement and hope will make the difference)

it's all i can do to not write a paragraph or more on what this might mean... for years i've felt the challenge to stop trying to make sense of everything. some people say you can't make sense of it. i'll pause on that subject for now.

question.

so, this may be jumping the gun, but what do i do next week if i'm not pregnant? where do we go next? i've been thinking this would be a rather final event. we're "out of sperm". yes, we could get more, but not instantly. we would have a 6-month hold, per FDA regulations, since we are using a donor. and, call me dramatic but a 6-month hold sounds like a jail sentence. yes, it could also be a freeing "explore the world" time span. a thorny stick with a rose on the end. who knows.

can you sense the mental torture of all this?

plenty of people have voiced the "you just have to live each day at a time" pacification, to try to give me some perspective. living just a day at a time is hard. plans take forever to come to fruition at a day at a time. and particularly these last two weeks. none of these days are that important until that day 14 day. or so it feels. right, this "finding out if i'm pregnant" can't be the only purpose in my days. what about work? friends? family? hobbies? working out the mental process of this, though, feels so much more significant, self-indulgence notwithstanding. and that's how this "day by day" thing is going.

so, though pre-emptive, my current question is how much more of this do we keep doing? how many times do you try IUI before you give up, or decide that maybe it's just not "meant to be" (as if not getting pregnant is, perhaps, a "sign"). That's what I went into this process with. We had a limited amount of "seed", and we've used it up. If it isn't fruitful, do we take that as a sign that it's not supposed to happen? Or do we get more?

A friend of mine suggested that you keep trying until you decide you just mentally and physically can't do it anymore. well, i think i could keep going. but... if it's not going to work, it just seems wasteful. no, i don't know if it's not going to work, but... when do you concede to that?

labor day

this is the day that TLC has episodes of "a baby story" all day long, right? tempting...

we're one week into the 2-week wait. (sigh). each day has been different (as usual, right? - everything seems more pronounced during these crucial days). we had a great weekend. we've had two days of gorgeous fall weather that you can't help but be happy in. jeans and sweatshirts. fresh mums planted and potted. everything smells great in the fall. i hope it lasts a long time because i dread winter. we should have at least 3 good months yet. and maybe i'll have a cute little baby bump by the time the snow falls. that'll keep me happy through the winter blahs. ooo. cross my fingers!

that's me. dreamer. in fact, i did dream last night, vividly, that our doctor came into the waiting room holding a pregnancy test with two lines on it. "you're pregnant", he said, in his lacking-enthusiasm tone. i asked for a blood test to be sure, but shared the news with some 'key people" (random people actually - an old friend from elementary school, an old coworker from my highschool job, one of the doctors from "Private Practice" who, apparently, had been rooting for me. ha. my brain...) anyway, i can imagine it all. scary thing right now is that i feel like (and this will sound superstitious) if i think of it all a certain way, it's not going to happen. this thought process has actually helped me through a lot of "scary moments" in my life. but in times like this, it just makes me worry. i know, if i take a step back, that i don't actually have a handle here on the cosmic working-of-things. i know, i need to wipe those thoughts away and put my faith elsewhere. and i know, faith is trusting in what we cannot see. it's just very hard. i'm sure this is all some sort of effort to "control" that which i cannot. or maybe just some way to cope with this waiting stage. but why just cope? how can i do more than that?

this morning i slept 'til 9:30am. made eggs for my husband and puppy. my good deed for the day. then, caught up on facebook - have to view the documentation of friends' kids' milestones. wonder if i'll ever have such postings. time keeps ticking away.

numb

"numb" is another feeling i label frequently over the last year or so... up there with "like a zombie". this is how i feel this afternoon/evening. i could read or sleep. i can think of several other things but just can't muster up the enthusiasm to follow through on any of those ideas. depression? loss of enthusiasm about things that once were enjoyable.

i read an article the other day while waiting for my first round of bloodwork, gearing up for the IUI. in it was included a checklist of the signs of depression.

The signs and symptoms of clinical depression are:
Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood. check. Changes in sleep patterns. check.
Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain. well, wishing for the former, but more like holding steady, with bursts of eating frenzy... this is unchanged.
Loss of pleasure and interest in once-enjoyable activities, including sex. check.
Restlessness, irritability. Check with a capital C.
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as chronic pain or digestive disorders. Hmm. Depression causes that? check.
Difficulty concentrating at work or at school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions. check.
Fatigue or loss of energy. check.
Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. check.
Thoughts of suicide or death. mmm. not what i would call suicidal thoughts, but sure, thoughts of death. me or other people. death as an altering lasting change.

i've been told i was struggling with depression in the past. i remember beginning medication and feeling that feeling after about two weeks of finally "getting my life back". is that what this all is? situational depression? my brain being tanked out from the constant emotional drama and stress?

do i even dare "post" this?

yup. let's be honest. this journey is an internal-unravelling. an identity shifting gut punch. like being stuck in a nightmare where you're just left alone in a pile of dirty laundry and you have no power over your body to get up and walk away, and even if you could, your job is to do that laundry, but you don't know where the washing machine is. and there's no one to tell you where it is, either.

hope in waiting

I've been reading Pamela Mahoney Tsigdino's book "Silent Sorority" over the last month or so. To be honest, i can't put it down, and it scares me that my relatability to her story will become more and more true in the future. She writes about coming to terms with Infertility and her process of figuring out who she was and what she would do with her life if not being a "mom".

I'm still in the hopeful "two week wait" stage, and yet maybe trying to prepare myself at some
level for whatever happens after the two weeks are over. Simultaneously, I've gotten addicted to a new TLC reality show "Quints by Surprise". So, there you go.

My heart starts telling my head to think on more truth-filled ideas, even as I'm so tempted in all sorts of directions to "get through" these next... 11 days. What does God say about "waiting"? He knew I'd go through these times. What is this all for? Again, so thankful for the scripture memorization I did in my younger years. "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...", "Be still and know that I am God", "Wait upon the Lord" (over and over in the Psalms, it seems), "Those who hope in Him will not be disappointed." And while my Biblical hermeneutics are far from brushed up right now... I remind myself that God's ways are not our ways, and while we have asked specifically for the things our hearts desire, we also know that he has a plan more long-term and perfect than our own ideas. humbling.

Still. praying for miraculous life to be growing inside me right now.