how to be one

i've been thinking lately about prayer. i consider my "prayer life" a continuous one - perhaps not very disciplined in the traditional sense i have once experienced, but an easy and relatively comfortable one. even writing this, i think, maybe i need to do some studying about what prayer ought to be,... figuring i probably don't have it right. i have experienced how prayer changes me, changes my thinking, changes my spirit, my will... it's a place of surrender, of safety, of communion... being one with God.

for lent, i had willed to "give up infertility" - i talked to God about this... and He gave me new direction, new focus, new thoughts... i was able to surrender. He enabled that. somehow over the last couple of months, i feel that my perspective has changed. i still don't seem to have any answers, but i'm more content, more ok with the "now". more at peace.

but fear creaps in. i think at the root of this is the humanness in me that so wants to anticipate and know what will happen and why and have everything all figured out. for example, IF we're never going to have kids what will our life look like and what new purpose will we have and...       i just want to know.  but i'm slowly letting that rest, too, i think.  i talk to God about it.  i choose to trust and "let the story unfold"... i have to admit, sometimes i fear that if i keep talking to Him about it, he's going to keep easing me into the reality that kids are not in our future. and i get scared and try not to get angry and try to surrender. but i still ask "but what about "the desires of my heart"", and i hear this still small voice that says "i'm taking care of it", and even though i don't exactly know what that means (are you taking care of my desires aka changing them, or are you taking care of making my wishes come true), i TRY to listen, and rest, and "be one"... fumbling and stumbling, but submitting - God is God and i am not. i will trust. so i pray for open eyes and ears and an open spirit that tunes in to Him, that wants to be one with Him...

so thankful for the scriptures that surface in these moments - the words of promise for my heart... knowing that God words for the good of those who love him... that he will keep them in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him... so that's where i long to be today.

tears and hope

a friend sent me this link in an email today. she has walked where we have, the journey of infertility, and is "on the other side" now, with a sweet baby boy to cuddle and admire. if you take the time to open this link, and watch it all the way through, you might relate or catch a glimpse of some of the emotions and attempts to express them, as one might walk this path...

as with most things, i resist being put in a box, or having my feelings in one... and projects like this one make me want to reiterate my belief that we all walk this journey uniquely. BUT. i will also admit i "finished the sentences" several times as i watched. and i'm reminded i'm one of the one in six.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

father goose

my husband is a wonderful man. he works hard. he cares about people. he is loyal. he looks out for others. he is patient. he takes care of things. he takes care of me. he "watches over" and "keeps" me, our home, our expenses and goals, our dreams. he reminds me of a father goose...

weeks ago i stopped by the post office near our home to mail a package to my sister. on my way in, i noticed a goose waddling by the door. he seemed out of place, so close to "the public", but i disregarded him and kept walking in. only when others kept mentioning his presence too, did i look around and see that his partner was nesting in the flower box, yards from the post office entrance. this father goose was on guard, hissing at anyone who got too close, protecting his partner and their eggs. on my way out, i snapped some pictures, and mother goose even stood up to show off her five or six large eggs. so exciting!
last week, on my walk with our dog, i decided to pass the post office again to see if the eggs had hatched yet and if the couple were still around. I stayed far back, because I didn't want to alarm them (or our dog who is quite "fond" of geese), but from the sidewalk I could see that father goose was still on patrol, and mother goose's lovely black and white neck was sticking up from the flower planter. weeks later (who knows how long that must seem in "geese time"), still waiting, sitting faithfully, with her partner still protecting... waiting for their next chapter to begin with their young. i got a little choked up, seeing this. it was lovely.

when i pause to take notice, i find that i am similarly cared for, with a partner who stands by me, waiting patiently, and faithfully tending to my needs. basic and complex. what a wonderful design, to walk through the challenges of life with a loyal friend.