how to be one

i've been thinking lately about prayer. i consider my "prayer life" a continuous one - perhaps not very disciplined in the traditional sense i have once experienced, but an easy and relatively comfortable one. even writing this, i think, maybe i need to do some studying about what prayer ought to be,... figuring i probably don't have it right. i have experienced how prayer changes me, changes my thinking, changes my spirit, my will... it's a place of surrender, of safety, of communion... being one with God.

for lent, i had willed to "give up infertility" - i talked to God about this... and He gave me new direction, new focus, new thoughts... i was able to surrender. He enabled that. somehow over the last couple of months, i feel that my perspective has changed. i still don't seem to have any answers, but i'm more content, more ok with the "now". more at peace.

but fear creaps in. i think at the root of this is the humanness in me that so wants to anticipate and know what will happen and why and have everything all figured out. for example, IF we're never going to have kids what will our life look like and what new purpose will we have and...       i just want to know.  but i'm slowly letting that rest, too, i think.  i talk to God about it.  i choose to trust and "let the story unfold"... i have to admit, sometimes i fear that if i keep talking to Him about it, he's going to keep easing me into the reality that kids are not in our future. and i get scared and try not to get angry and try to surrender. but i still ask "but what about "the desires of my heart"", and i hear this still small voice that says "i'm taking care of it", and even though i don't exactly know what that means (are you taking care of my desires aka changing them, or are you taking care of making my wishes come true), i TRY to listen, and rest, and "be one"... fumbling and stumbling, but submitting - God is God and i am not. i will trust. so i pray for open eyes and ears and an open spirit that tunes in to Him, that wants to be one with Him...

so thankful for the scriptures that surface in these moments - the words of promise for my heart... knowing that God words for the good of those who love him... that he will keep them in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him... so that's where i long to be today.