going, going, going... i've been on a hiatus from writing about or thinking about things too much lately. but, in these wee hours of the fourth of june, i'm going to carry out my tradition of birthday journaling. a whole 'nother year has passed. wow.
32 years old. 6 years older than what i always thought would be the "ideal age" to have a baby. that was when 26 seemed old. here i am 32 and not feeling any older than 26, so hey. hopefully that's a good sign.
and typically people don't believe that i'm 32. even better. and since i'm not expected to carry babies, the age of my ovaries has no bearing on acceptable timing. my biological clock doesn't tick. it's digital i guess. time is passing but my only real reminder is when i focus on it. life is being lived. though i'm scared sometimes this is at the expense of time spent working harder to make our dream a reality (though not sure what else we could be doing short of kidnapping or attempting a deal on the black market)... we know our future is not simply in our own hands.
looking back at the last several birthdays, i am struck this year by the irony of my birthday 4 years ago, when i woke up puking and was SCARED that i might be pregnant. first of all, even then it was soul-shaking that i was feeling scared when i thought all i had ever wanted was to BE pregnant. i remember sitting on our then slip-covered old ratty loveseat with jeremy beside me and having what could probably be classified as a panic attack. i was shaking and crying, thinking about having a being growing inside of me. this was a moment of sheer "WHO THE HECK AM I???" i did not see that emotion coming. when a negative pregnancy test (the first of many many many) calmed me down, my emotions quickly transformed from fear to disappointment. go figure. two of the emotional postures that haunt me the most often. contradictory and both paralyzing at times.
the following birthday, we learned about Klienfelter's Syndrome.
no sperm, no babies.
the next, we were awaiting the decision of a young girl who was considering an adoption plan for her soon-to-arrive baby girl. I thought "that will be the best birthday gift I could ask for". But, though it would have been a belated-gift (baby was due in July), birthmom decided against the adoption in the end.
birthday 2010: hoped for a miracle baby to be conceived as we started cycles of artificial insemination. no dice.
now, we're in month 13 after completing our adoption home study, waiting for baby. this last year has been one of learning how to wait well - not stuck but hopeful, purposeful, thankful... and this waiting isn't about "patience", as much as blessed assurance - that i am not my own - my life is not my own - but i belong wholly to my faithful Savior - and to his good purposes for my life. humbling, uplifting, wonder-inspiring. could his plans be better than my own?
praying for more of the good
~ whatever is true, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ~
for the year to come.
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