nine years ago, i lived in Kansas for a year working as a resident director (aka "dorm mom") for an all women's athletic dorm at Sterling College. truth be told, i was less than a year older than a bunch of the girls living there that year. the dorm housed freshment through seniors. a diverse bunch of young women. my role, beyond keeping some order and advising the resident assistants, was to connect with, encourage, and develop educational and social experiences to challenge and nurture these women. it was quite a year. i certainly was challenged.
one of the outlets that year that i sought out was an intergenerational group of women who could encourage, challenge, and nurture ME. there was this book we started reading together called "apples of gold", based on the verse from Proverbs 25:11: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." the book encouraged intergenerational mentoring for women; listening to each others' stories, learning from each other, engaging in each others' lives, friendship centered around the love of God.
i think i tend to gravitate to women with more experience and wisdom... i am encouraged and perhaps feel some sort of safety hearing words and advice from someone who has long walked the steps i find myself walking. and i am so grateful when someone takes the time to share those "apples of gold".
there are a few special women in my acquaintance that have taken that role. i probably don't benefit from their company as much as they are willing, but i don't count it a coincidence that our paths have crossed.
as promised, "...my God shall supply all your need, according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
putting on and putting off taking off the baby fat.
i've been mulling over this post for a while. hoping that putting it in print will be some sort of kick in the butt to start doing something about it...
a few seemingly connected thoughts, or admissions. first, i have more than a little jealously of any woman who has kids and a little extra weight that doesn't rapidly disappear after babies. it's like a right of passage that i don't ever get to take advantage of. i'm readily willing to extend encouraging and gracious words to any of these women - even if their kids are adults. whatever. you carried 3 children (or some variation of that). second, there is not much sympathy from health professionals for weight gain related to infertility. a few might let it slide - "the stress of it all" - but generally, the encouragements include "daily exercise", and "eat a better diet". there's no projected "gain" expectations. empty womb? keep the pounds off. third, i've found that mild depression (seasonal, situational, or otherwise) is actually nicely treatable with a box of cheezits or a hershey bar, but "fat and happy" only lasts so long... until the season changes and you don't fit into your "spring clothes" from last year. crap. how did that happen?
so. i'm feeling like i'm "back at square one" again with the whole healthy body situation. i've been here before. it's been some time though, and who knows where my motivation, discipline, and energy came from back then. but i need to find it back. buying new pants is not an option. so where do i start?
i read ("last time") some article about choosing just a few changes to your lifestyle (in effort to lose the pounds) was the most effective way to stick with a new program. i've chosen three. 1. no more diet coke (drink water instead) or soda (exception is a sip of jeremy's coke when i really just want a taste), 2. smaller portions (exception is low sugar fruits or veggies), 3. daily exercise. (i desperately want to write in an exception here, just for the control of it, but seriously. i need to get my butt in gear.)
i know i'm draggin' a bit, friends.
the unending waiting is wearing on me lately.
my body hurts. i'm tired. feeling like "blah" a lot.
i have felt better.
hopefully that will happen again.
a few seemingly connected thoughts, or admissions. first, i have more than a little jealously of any woman who has kids and a little extra weight that doesn't rapidly disappear after babies. it's like a right of passage that i don't ever get to take advantage of. i'm readily willing to extend encouraging and gracious words to any of these women - even if their kids are adults. whatever. you carried 3 children (or some variation of that). second, there is not much sympathy from health professionals for weight gain related to infertility. a few might let it slide - "the stress of it all" - but generally, the encouragements include "daily exercise", and "eat a better diet". there's no projected "gain" expectations. empty womb? keep the pounds off. third, i've found that mild depression (seasonal, situational, or otherwise) is actually nicely treatable with a box of cheezits or a hershey bar, but "fat and happy" only lasts so long... until the season changes and you don't fit into your "spring clothes" from last year. crap. how did that happen?
so. i'm feeling like i'm "back at square one" again with the whole healthy body situation. i've been here before. it's been some time though, and who knows where my motivation, discipline, and energy came from back then. but i need to find it back. buying new pants is not an option. so where do i start?
i read ("last time") some article about choosing just a few changes to your lifestyle (in effort to lose the pounds) was the most effective way to stick with a new program. i've chosen three. 1. no more diet coke (drink water instead) or soda (exception is a sip of jeremy's coke when i really just want a taste), 2. smaller portions (exception is low sugar fruits or veggies), 3. daily exercise. (i desperately want to write in an exception here, just for the control of it, but seriously. i need to get my butt in gear.)
i know i'm draggin' a bit, friends.
the unending waiting is wearing on me lately.
my body hurts. i'm tired. feeling like "blah" a lot.
i have felt better.
hopefully that will happen again.
Friday, June 3, 2011
birthdays past and the year ahead.
going, going, going... i've been on a hiatus from writing about or thinking about things too much lately. but, in these wee hours of the fourth of june, i'm going to carry out my tradition of birthday journaling. a whole 'nother year has passed. wow.
32 years old. 6 years older than what i always thought would be the "ideal age" to have a baby. that was when 26 seemed old. here i am 32 and not feeling any older than 26, so hey. hopefully that's a good sign.
and typically people don't believe that i'm 32. even better. and since i'm not expected to carry babies, the age of my ovaries has no bearing on acceptable timing. my biological clock doesn't tick. it's digital i guess. time is passing but my only real reminder is when i focus on it. life is being lived. though i'm scared sometimes this is at the expense of time spent working harder to make our dream a reality (though not sure what else we could be doing short of kidnapping or attempting a deal on the black market)... we know our future is not simply in our own hands.
looking back at the last several birthdays, i am struck this year by the irony of my birthday 4 years ago, when i woke up puking and was SCARED that i might be pregnant. first of all, even then it was soul-shaking that i was feeling scared when i thought all i had ever wanted was to BE pregnant. i remember sitting on our then slip-covered old ratty loveseat with jeremy beside me and having what could probably be classified as a panic attack. i was shaking and crying, thinking about having a being growing inside of me. this was a moment of sheer "WHO THE HECK AM I???" i did not see that emotion coming. when a negative pregnancy test (the first of many many many) calmed me down, my emotions quickly transformed from fear to disappointment. go figure. two of the emotional postures that haunt me the most often. contradictory and both paralyzing at times.
the following birthday, we learned about Klienfelter's Syndrome.
no sperm, no babies.
the next, we were awaiting the decision of a young girl who was considering an adoption plan for her soon-to-arrive baby girl. I thought "that will be the best birthday gift I could ask for". But, though it would have been a belated-gift (baby was due in July), birthmom decided against the adoption in the end.
birthday 2010: hoped for a miracle baby to be conceived as we started cycles of artificial insemination. no dice.
now, we're in month 13 after completing our adoption home study, waiting for baby. this last year has been one of learning how to wait well - not stuck but hopeful, purposeful, thankful... and this waiting isn't about "patience", as much as blessed assurance - that i am not my own - my life is not my own - but i belong wholly to my faithful Savior - and to his good purposes for my life. humbling, uplifting, wonder-inspiring. could his plans be better than my own?
praying for more of the good
~ whatever is true, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ~
for the year to come.
32 years old. 6 years older than what i always thought would be the "ideal age" to have a baby. that was when 26 seemed old. here i am 32 and not feeling any older than 26, so hey. hopefully that's a good sign.
and typically people don't believe that i'm 32. even better. and since i'm not expected to carry babies, the age of my ovaries has no bearing on acceptable timing. my biological clock doesn't tick. it's digital i guess. time is passing but my only real reminder is when i focus on it. life is being lived. though i'm scared sometimes this is at the expense of time spent working harder to make our dream a reality (though not sure what else we could be doing short of kidnapping or attempting a deal on the black market)... we know our future is not simply in our own hands.
looking back at the last several birthdays, i am struck this year by the irony of my birthday 4 years ago, when i woke up puking and was SCARED that i might be pregnant. first of all, even then it was soul-shaking that i was feeling scared when i thought all i had ever wanted was to BE pregnant. i remember sitting on our then slip-covered old ratty loveseat with jeremy beside me and having what could probably be classified as a panic attack. i was shaking and crying, thinking about having a being growing inside of me. this was a moment of sheer "WHO THE HECK AM I???" i did not see that emotion coming. when a negative pregnancy test (the first of many many many) calmed me down, my emotions quickly transformed from fear to disappointment. go figure. two of the emotional postures that haunt me the most often. contradictory and both paralyzing at times.
the following birthday, we learned about Klienfelter's Syndrome.
no sperm, no babies.
the next, we were awaiting the decision of a young girl who was considering an adoption plan for her soon-to-arrive baby girl. I thought "that will be the best birthday gift I could ask for". But, though it would have been a belated-gift (baby was due in July), birthmom decided against the adoption in the end.
birthday 2010: hoped for a miracle baby to be conceived as we started cycles of artificial insemination. no dice.
now, we're in month 13 after completing our adoption home study, waiting for baby. this last year has been one of learning how to wait well - not stuck but hopeful, purposeful, thankful... and this waiting isn't about "patience", as much as blessed assurance - that i am not my own - my life is not my own - but i belong wholly to my faithful Savior - and to his good purposes for my life. humbling, uplifting, wonder-inspiring. could his plans be better than my own?
praying for more of the good
~ whatever is true, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ~
for the year to come.
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