numb

"numb" is another feeling i label frequently over the last year or so... up there with "like a zombie". this is how i feel this afternoon/evening. i could read or sleep. i can think of several other things but just can't muster up the enthusiasm to follow through on any of those ideas. depression? loss of enthusiasm about things that once were enjoyable.

i read an article the other day while waiting for my first round of bloodwork, gearing up for the IUI. in it was included a checklist of the signs of depression.

The signs and symptoms of clinical depression are:
Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood. check. Changes in sleep patterns. check.
Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain. well, wishing for the former, but more like holding steady, with bursts of eating frenzy... this is unchanged.
Loss of pleasure and interest in once-enjoyable activities, including sex. check.
Restlessness, irritability. Check with a capital C.
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as chronic pain or digestive disorders. Hmm. Depression causes that? check.
Difficulty concentrating at work or at school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions. check.
Fatigue or loss of energy. check.
Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. check.
Thoughts of suicide or death. mmm. not what i would call suicidal thoughts, but sure, thoughts of death. me or other people. death as an altering lasting change.

i've been told i was struggling with depression in the past. i remember beginning medication and feeling that feeling after about two weeks of finally "getting my life back". is that what this all is? situational depression? my brain being tanked out from the constant emotional drama and stress?

do i even dare "post" this?

yup. let's be honest. this journey is an internal-unravelling. an identity shifting gut punch. like being stuck in a nightmare where you're just left alone in a pile of dirty laundry and you have no power over your body to get up and walk away, and even if you could, your job is to do that laundry, but you don't know where the washing machine is. and there's no one to tell you where it is, either.