if not for people.

i have promised myself i will eventually write out the whole story of how we got to the point we are, as i continue to process the answer to that question. i suppose that just means i've promised myself that i will let our story be public. for the people. not just for me, for us, for a few select connected souls... i have "journalled" very little along the way, in fact. i have kept the story even from myself at times, and kept it from "people". maybe this is a way of keeping from admitting that it's really our reality? I've been waiting for it all to get wrapped up nicely, or at least for the turning point in the story. but i'm not even privy to know where we are in our story - only God knows that for sure, right?, but the other night, i was [collapsed] in bed (not one of my finest moments) and had what i can only describe as a series of flashbacks ~ seeing pictures of key moments, conversations, realizations along the way from the last 2-3 years that led us to the fertility interventions that we chose (and just completed... with no success).

i don't think it's been all for not, amazingly, even though the end result was not what we were pursuing. and yet, more grief comes in remembering some of the very difficult, if not painful, conversations with family, friends, medical professionals along the way. "people" have truly disappointed [us] along this journey. "people" have said hurtful things, out of misunderstanding and/or closemindedness. "people" have hugely affected our feelings in this process, invoking shame, guilt, fear, worry. somehow we seemed to overcome it... but why do we let other people have such influence? by the same token, "people" have encouraged us, inspired hope in us, provided us with new/different perspective, and... have been inspired by us, as well.

people... make life so complicated.

i am short for words to express the feelings i have on this struggle. the whole "can't live with'em, can't live without'em" adage comes to mind, but that seems more simple than the emotions i have about PEOPLE. funny... this whole current ordeal is all about people. people who want to make more people... raise people, birth people, help people... people who are unable to produce more people... but maybe there are other people... who need people. maybe this is just life. what about other people is so hard for me to deal with?

love.

is my heart so broken that it's hard to accept the existence of people, and their "contributions" to my life? perhaps this is common humanity, but in the painful times in life, is it just natural to want to steal away and avoid those "contributions"?

did i miss something in psych 101? I'm sure this isn't as mind-busting as i think it must be...

no concluding statements tonight.