waiting.

came across these words today, from "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd:

I had tended to view waiting as mere passivity. When I looked it up in my dictionary however, I found that the words passive and passion come from the same Latin root, pati, which means "to endure." Waiting is thus both passive and passionate. It's a vibrant, contemplative work. It means descending into self, into God, into the deeper labyrinths of prayer. It involves listening to disinherited voices within, facing the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, the places one lives falsely. It means struggling with the vision of who we really are in God and molding the courage to live that vision.


while a part of me wants to put up a fight ~ "haven't we waited long enough??", there is also something profound about this time. it feels very familiar, like the "two week waits" of this summer, so filled with hope and wonder, fingers crossed. and yet it feels different. we're waiting for a much more immediate reality. we've never been so close before. it's mind boggling. i can not put into words the dichotomy of feelings, of hope and dread for the phone call we await. if i think about it too much i feel a bit sick. or maybe that's the extra cup of coffee i drank on an empty stomach. and even in the midst of these unexplainable feelings, Sue's words resonate so well. waiting is not wasting. the wait time is preparatory. it is a gift. it provides us time to enter into the places that would otherwise be avoided or neglected.

 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62: 1,2

not knowing is such a hard thing for me. i do recognize the beauty in it, and I have decided to try to embrace it this week, not spend all my time preparing for one decision or the other. i look forward to the potential of having to "sort it out" when the decision comes. (or dread. depending on the outcome.) but my flesh has always struggled with the desire to "figure it all out". only then would i feel in control. prepared. able to understand. able to explain.

i have learned (am learning) that not everything is explainable. not on this side of heaven. as much as i like to think of myself as a "big picture" thinker, still, i only see things through veiled eyes. i am just barely starting to appreciate that fact, vs. be frustrated by it. i'm starting to find peace in it. trusting that the One who sees the whole picture is at work, and is good.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. "Selah". Psalm 62: 5-8

selah. pause. don't rush it.
take the time.

even as we are awaiting this current "life altering moment"... and as the same moment, the same decision alters not only OUR lives, but the lives of four other families, FOUR, and their respective extended families and communities. even in these most breath-holding, unnerving, and holy moments... what we see, feel, experience is not all that is going on. this is a piece of it. we are a piece of this extravagant story. so humbling. especially when confronted with our own desires, wishes, dreams. "can it just be our turn??" i am compelled to just be quiet.

be quiet and wait.

i don't deny that there are thoughts that can spin out of control, fears that want to cripple me. we've been here before, and it's practical to be aware that this could turn out as it has in the past. but there i go wanting to figure it all out again. preemptively deal with whatever. so, i ask for grace, to quiet those thoughts. to be still.  to quiet my own thoughts, and listen to truth. the truth that is deep inside me.

One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. (vs. 11-12)

stronger than I.
full of love for us.

i will wait.