thoughts

i had this puzzled thought for a moment... if we do get chosen, what do i do with this blog? well, the infertility is still there. motherhood in a different form. i have so many thoughts about how this might be. so many beautiful ideas about the relationship we can have with the birthparents of this little girl. the desire to try to stomp out the adoption stigmas and just say "why can't we" have a good and open relationship. her story starts with them. that is real and true and lovely. such goodness, the life that springs forth. such beauty, all that she will grow to be. such a miracle, her existance. in this world, in our lives. i just can almost feel her in my arms, see her taking her first steps, see myself sneaking into her nursery to watch her sleep. it so close. so close to actually happening.

and the fear creeps in. will it ever be? or is this the best i get - just imagining and catching glimpses of what it could be like to be a mother. someone carelessly said to me today "well, at least you don't have to deal with all the hormones!".  hmm. how i wish i could have each and every experience of a pregnancy. even the ones, i suppose, that must feel like the ones tonight - is this actually going to happen? when will i be able to hold that precious life? when will motherhood begin? seemingly unbelievable. as one friend reminded me earlier this week: it can all change in a moment. one moment and we turn the page. enter a new chapter.

what an amazing thing, walking through life. so many unexpected turns and gifts and hurdles and lessons... all growing us  and changing us. from the inside out. we see only parts of the script, i think. so grateful tonight (and resting in the truth) that our loving God is carefully writing this story. he can handle my thoughts and fears and worries. he cares about them. i can give them to him. i can trust him.