so it's monday. i took a "snow day" and have been hanging out with our little guy who so desperately wants to learn to roll over and who will babble my ear off all day. i am so in love with him! the joy of the reality of having our little boy, and the reality of our day to day events because he is in our life changes so much of everything. so, despite my plans to write here on tuesday mornings, it just hasn't happened. today, on my unplanned day at home, while baby is napping (which is starting to have an acual routine to it) i thought i'd take a few minutes.
much like our life, i'm not really sure where this blog is headed. not sure what to do with it. fact is, i am still infertile. i still (not to sound at all greedy or ungrateful for what we have) want more children. i still pray that a miracle would happen. i still grieve that i haven't been able to be pregnant and wonder what that would be like and if it ever, just maybe, might happen.
my husband and i recently reopened the conversation about "having kids". i asked him, after putting our 4 month old to bed for the night, "do you see us having more children?" and he said "no". however, knowing that his first response typically IS "no" to anything, i tried to not let it phase me too much and figured i'd let the idea simmer for a little while. indeed, when we talked again a few days ago, he had budged to "as long as it happens before I'm 40"... i figure i have a little wiggle room. at least he's open. much less stressful and hopeless than the opposite. of course, none of this actually means we WILL have more children, but at least there's freedom to dream and wish and plan for it to happen. the next question is how. i realize our little bundle is only 4 months. but given how long it took for him to enter our lives, there's (hopefully) no harm in preparing well ahead of time.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
fielding questions and comments
well, tuesday came and went. the morning ended up being a trip to the groomer for our doodle followed by errands. both of these events have become a bit more complicated with a baby in tow. (not complaining!)
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment.
the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.
we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?
what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.
lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment.
the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.
we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?
what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.
lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
104 days
it's been lots and lots of days since i have taken the time to write. i think about it often. i think about it when i'm falling asleep, in the shower, feeding our baby, driving, and any number of other times that i'm not in front of a computer or able to task switch and sit down to write. i tell myself from time to time when i'm thinking about things that i want to write about, "remember that...", but, you know how that goes. in a college writing class years ago (seriously... time flies) i remember digesting the idea that the first step towards "writing well" (check out William Knowlton Zinsser, "On Writing Well") was actually writing. so here i am. i'm not sure this rambling on was what he would be so pleased about, but i'm trying. i'm writing. maybe not well yet, but hopefully this will get me back into a habit. there is so much i would like to process through writing from these last 104 days and before them.
my plan is to try to set aside time on Tuesday Mornings to write. tuesdays i am home with no work on my schedule. i am happy that tuesdays, i can wear comfy clothes, choose whether or not to bother showering, play on the floor with my happy three-month-old, and i would like to build in writing... during nap time? we'll see; i don't really have a good plan yet. i know, i should.
so what am i going to write about? i think i need to write about a few different things. the obvious, infertility ultimately led us to adoption - chance, providence, miracle, what i was hoping for... and our hope was finally realized. but none of it has been simple. not for this little head and heart, at least. like all things in my experience, what we plan, look ahead to, try to prepare for, rarely goes as anticipated, but living, stepping forward, has brought things that stretch us, bless us, (scare us, anger us, frustrate us, hurt us), heal us, grow us... that's the "angle" i've chosen to try to live from, in this continued journey of growing, accepting, hoping against, living with, infertility.
i don't anticipate a progression or storyline in my writing right now. i just have several blurbs of thought, emotion, experience to try to put into words. i'm hoping i can remember, but i suppose new ones will emerge as well.
upcoming perhaps - blurbs about maintaining an open adoption, taking thoughts captive, difficult relationships, sleep deprivation, prayer, unanswered questions and bad obgyns, supporting friends, establishing our home routines, lullabies, boundaries and letting people into our experience, post-placement visits, dreams come true, being a working mom, missing pregnancy and still hoping for a miracle, sharing others' joy and celebration, answering "would you guys do it again"?, loneliness, and home improvements...
tuesday morning. looking forward to it.
my plan is to try to set aside time on Tuesday Mornings to write. tuesdays i am home with no work on my schedule. i am happy that tuesdays, i can wear comfy clothes, choose whether or not to bother showering, play on the floor with my happy three-month-old, and i would like to build in writing... during nap time? we'll see; i don't really have a good plan yet. i know, i should.
so what am i going to write about? i think i need to write about a few different things. the obvious, infertility ultimately led us to adoption - chance, providence, miracle, what i was hoping for... and our hope was finally realized. but none of it has been simple. not for this little head and heart, at least. like all things in my experience, what we plan, look ahead to, try to prepare for, rarely goes as anticipated, but living, stepping forward, has brought things that stretch us, bless us, (scare us, anger us, frustrate us, hurt us), heal us, grow us... that's the "angle" i've chosen to try to live from, in this continued journey of growing, accepting, hoping against, living with, infertility.
i don't anticipate a progression or storyline in my writing right now. i just have several blurbs of thought, emotion, experience to try to put into words. i'm hoping i can remember, but i suppose new ones will emerge as well.
upcoming perhaps - blurbs about maintaining an open adoption, taking thoughts captive, difficult relationships, sleep deprivation, prayer, unanswered questions and bad obgyns, supporting friends, establishing our home routines, lullabies, boundaries and letting people into our experience, post-placement visits, dreams come true, being a working mom, missing pregnancy and still hoping for a miracle, sharing others' joy and celebration, answering "would you guys do it again"?, loneliness, and home improvements...
tuesday morning. looking forward to it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
28 days!
well friends, our dreams have been realized ~ we are so thankful to God for what only he could accomplish. i am still processing the joy/amazement/relief that we are parents, that we are living in our new home as a family, that everything that has happened in the last 4, 8, 12 weeks has actually really happened. driving earlier with our son in the carseat we bought almost a year ago in anticipation of adoption, pulling into the driveway to the home we had never even seen before 3 months ago, into a neighborhood that was a "someday..." dream. my days lately (minus the sleep deprivation) are pretty blissful. i am so very grateful. our life today seems like jumping midway into a book into the scene i always wanted to be a part of. some say we "deserve it" after waiting so long... i am just still in awe. and all that waiting and all we experienced to get to this place seems a bit blurry. i'd like to take time to write about and share more of the journey (time is limited lately), but, i thought it was about time tonight to share the wonderful news - we have a son! Spencer ("giver of goods") Samuel ("the Lord has heard") is 28 days old today. 28 days ago was one of the most sacred days, to begin such an amazing new life. more story to come...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
just the two of us (and Brodie, of course)...
i'm guessing the last three weeks would have played out QUITE differently if we had little ones (present) to consider. most certainly, our hope for said "little ones" influenced how the last week went. Here's a timeline that i figure i'll look back at someday and remember - WOW. that went by so smoothly. incredible. thanks, God - our provider, our helper.
Sunday July 24 - lunch and starbucks with friends after church, followed by a drive in my favorite ("someday...") neighborhood; see lovely tudor home, pick up flyer, tell my husband i would love to see inside (hint, hint...) and the price has just been reduced. hmmmm....
Wednesday July 27 (after conversations throughout the week reminding ourselves that we'd never be able to afford selling our house and buying a new one, etc... but.... maybe we could rent out our home.... and promising we'd only do that if we found the perfect renters...) we schedule a walk through with the listing agent.
Thursday July 28 - we see inside. i fall in love even more.
Saturday July 30 - i put an ad on craigslist to look for renters, get two really serious inquiries, schedule a showing for the following day with one of the couples.
Sunday July 31 - walk through our house with prospective renters. They need the house by August 4th and are visibly in love with our little home. We explain that we are not prepared to be out in 4 days, but possibly with another week, we could make it happen. But we have to first speak with our lenders. We will let them know the following day if it's possible, but we encourage them to keep looking. (and i'm crossing my fingers that it will work because they seem so great).
Sunday July 31 - i talk to the other prospective rental couple who live in another state and don't need the house until November, which seems a bit more feasable, but they seem a bit pushy. this stresses me out. we tell the inlaws we looked at a house and are considering making an offer. they are skeptical but we all go to see it again together, and our agent (so generous with her time) meets us to let us walk through and dream some more...
Sunday July 31 - i call our lender on her cell phone, tell her the situation, figure out what paperwork i need to collect, and schedule a meeting for the next morning to get the process going for our new mortgage.
Monday August 1 - meeting at the bank, waiting for information, texting prospective renters who really want to know if they can rent our house and feeling bad for keeping them waiting... and finally, getting approved for our mortage. we make a verbal offer on the "new house", and get a verbal acceptance within the hour. we decide we better start packing.
Tuesday August 2 - the offer/acceptance on the "new house" is put in writing and we are officially moving.
we pack for the next few days...
Friday August 5 - the POD arrives at our house and we start to fill it. how do two people have so much stuff? thankfully some wonderful friends help us with boxes, meals, lugging things, finding places for things... including their house.
Saturday August 6 - Sunday August 7 - i go out of town for a friend's wedding. wonderful! but Jeremy opts to stay home and start working on packing up his garage.
Monday August 8 - spend the morning at the new house with the inspector. find out a about a few issues but nothing too major. we feel pretty good about it; we drop off all our documents (additional) to our lender and get back home to pack until the wee hours of the morning with some great friend support. so blessed.
Tuesday August 9 AM - the POD leaves. all 4000lbs of our stuff. and we still need a uhaul. seriously? how do we have so much stuff?!
Wednesday August 10 - fill a U-haul, clean the house to "spotless", meet with the renters to walk through and answer any questions. turn over the keys. (after they leave, we still have a few things to move out but we're pretty close to "out". we finish little projects and packing at 2am and head to the inlaws to get some rest.
Thursday August 11 - Our tenants move in to our "old house". we now live with my husband's parents until we close on the house... but we're encouraged that that could happen faster than our Sept. 1st projected date. we're happy to put our feet up for a few days!
Today is Saturday. We're settled into our temporary housing. I have some peace and quiet with Brodie sleeping at my feet (this moving thing has taken a toll on him... if only dogs could talk?!?) and my husband mowing his parents' lawn out back. we couldn't have a cozier place to call home for a few weeks and we are looking ahead with anticipation for the new home we will make next.
this whole process could not have been more pleasant. it has happened so easily, so smoothly. i'm so grateful for the way my husband and i have been able to work together to make it happen. i am so happy about how our marriage has grown. it gives me so much hope about the home, the sense of family, that we will be able to share with children. like i've said before, we're "just getting started", and it's great!
Sunday July 24 - lunch and starbucks with friends after church, followed by a drive in my favorite ("someday...") neighborhood; see lovely tudor home, pick up flyer, tell my husband i would love to see inside (hint, hint...) and the price has just been reduced. hmmmm....
Wednesday July 27 (after conversations throughout the week reminding ourselves that we'd never be able to afford selling our house and buying a new one, etc... but.... maybe we could rent out our home.... and promising we'd only do that if we found the perfect renters...) we schedule a walk through with the listing agent.
Thursday July 28 - we see inside. i fall in love even more.
Saturday July 30 - i put an ad on craigslist to look for renters, get two really serious inquiries, schedule a showing for the following day with one of the couples.
Sunday July 31 - walk through our house with prospective renters. They need the house by August 4th and are visibly in love with our little home. We explain that we are not prepared to be out in 4 days, but possibly with another week, we could make it happen. But we have to first speak with our lenders. We will let them know the following day if it's possible, but we encourage them to keep looking. (and i'm crossing my fingers that it will work because they seem so great).
Sunday July 31 - i talk to the other prospective rental couple who live in another state and don't need the house until November, which seems a bit more feasable, but they seem a bit pushy. this stresses me out. we tell the inlaws we looked at a house and are considering making an offer. they are skeptical but we all go to see it again together, and our agent (so generous with her time) meets us to let us walk through and dream some more...
Sunday July 31 - i call our lender on her cell phone, tell her the situation, figure out what paperwork i need to collect, and schedule a meeting for the next morning to get the process going for our new mortgage.
Monday August 1 - meeting at the bank, waiting for information, texting prospective renters who really want to know if they can rent our house and feeling bad for keeping them waiting... and finally, getting approved for our mortage. we make a verbal offer on the "new house", and get a verbal acceptance within the hour. we decide we better start packing.
Tuesday August 2 - the offer/acceptance on the "new house" is put in writing and we are officially moving.
we pack for the next few days...
Friday August 5 - the POD arrives at our house and we start to fill it. how do two people have so much stuff? thankfully some wonderful friends help us with boxes, meals, lugging things, finding places for things... including their house.
Saturday August 6 - Sunday August 7 - i go out of town for a friend's wedding. wonderful! but Jeremy opts to stay home and start working on packing up his garage.
Monday August 8 - spend the morning at the new house with the inspector. find out a about a few issues but nothing too major. we feel pretty good about it; we drop off all our documents (additional) to our lender and get back home to pack until the wee hours of the morning with some great friend support. so blessed.
Tuesday August 9 AM - the POD leaves. all 4000lbs of our stuff. and we still need a uhaul. seriously? how do we have so much stuff?!
Wednesday August 10 - fill a U-haul, clean the house to "spotless", meet with the renters to walk through and answer any questions. turn over the keys. (after they leave, we still have a few things to move out but we're pretty close to "out". we finish little projects and packing at 2am and head to the inlaws to get some rest.
Thursday August 11 - Our tenants move in to our "old house". we now live with my husband's parents until we close on the house... but we're encouraged that that could happen faster than our Sept. 1st projected date. we're happy to put our feet up for a few days!
Today is Saturday. We're settled into our temporary housing. I have some peace and quiet with Brodie sleeping at my feet (this moving thing has taken a toll on him... if only dogs could talk?!?) and my husband mowing his parents' lawn out back. we couldn't have a cozier place to call home for a few weeks and we are looking ahead with anticipation for the new home we will make next.
this whole process could not have been more pleasant. it has happened so easily, so smoothly. i'm so grateful for the way my husband and i have been able to work together to make it happen. i am so happy about how our marriage has grown. it gives me so much hope about the home, the sense of family, that we will be able to share with children. like i've said before, we're "just getting started", and it's great!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
good odds?
i've been following a few newly-found blogs related to infertility lately. it's kind of nice to read some shared perspective. so often i think "ya, i could have written that same thing"... or i did, or, i chose not to. it's interesting to read comments by other followers and note their transparency as they navigate this shared experience.
this last post at "Hannah wept, Sarah laughed" did inspire just a wee bit of curious optimism, as she states the stats on the expected increase of births in the next few months. while her post is more a "threat" than a "promise", with tips on coping with the upcoming explosion of facebook birth announcements, i'm hoping it may mean that our baby is coming...
http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-ready-for-baby-season.html
this last post at "Hannah wept, Sarah laughed" did inspire just a wee bit of curious optimism, as she states the stats on the expected increase of births in the next few months. while her post is more a "threat" than a "promise", with tips on coping with the upcoming explosion of facebook birth announcements, i'm hoping it may mean that our baby is coming...
http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-ready-for-baby-season.html
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
a few words of hope.
last night i had a chance to watch sunday's ABC News special, Diane Sawyer's interview with Jaycee Dugard. wow. talk about courage to hope, and resilience to live out her life and look forward. inspiring. http://youtu.be/K7dMVm9YEEw has a small clip of the story.
clearly, Jaycee's had some excellent counseling. she seems to cling to words of truth that can keep her focussed on the good. one of these quotes was from the work of T.S. Eliot ~ i have yet to find it's specific origin ~ but it talks about carrying hope and waiting, holding on to hope wherever the journey takes you. a timely encouraging word for me. and a nudge to read some T.S. Eliot and see what else he's got to say.
then, this morning, i flip my calendar filled with "God's Promises" to July 12 and these words offer again, some encouragement (truly, a reminding nudge: "have courage, Carla!")
God will make you fit for what he's called you to be... he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely. ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
clearly, Jaycee's had some excellent counseling. she seems to cling to words of truth that can keep her focussed on the good. one of these quotes was from the work of T.S. Eliot ~ i have yet to find it's specific origin ~ but it talks about carrying hope and waiting, holding on to hope wherever the journey takes you. a timely encouraging word for me. and a nudge to read some T.S. Eliot and see what else he's got to say.
then, this morning, i flip my calendar filled with "God's Promises" to July 12 and these words offer again, some encouragement (truly, a reminding nudge: "have courage, Carla!")
God will make you fit for what he's called you to be... he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely. ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
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