my husband's side of the family welcomed a new baby girl this week, a long awaited daughter for his sister, a much-desired 5th grandchild for his parents, and a beautiful, sweet, cuddly niece for us. we travelled down south to meet her and celebrate with the family. so precious to see the excitement, pride, and curiousity of our nephews who are big brothers to this precious little girl. wonderful to hold this little bundle of brand newness, watching her little movements and smiles. we were so glad to meet her.
it was also hard. (and i hate that.) my heart is aching... and for different reasons than i had thought through or anticipated. i think i've developed a bit of a tough shell around me, over the last year or so, and it feels better, usually, to just stay protected by it. but i really didn't want to have a shell on, when we met this little one. and when i talked with her big brothers about this new wonderful addition to their life. i wanted to be softer. not self-protecting. and i know i shouldn't need to be, around these family members. they are more than aware and sensitive to us. but taking off the shell is harder than you'd think. it's painful, really. and when you do, you're exposed to all kinds of factors you might not have anticipated. all the stuff you can just "ignore" when the shell is on hits you in the gutt when you want to be softer. while i tried to keep the shell unzipped and let the experience in, i had moments of putting it back on again. moments where the questions, comments, situations just got a bit too close to my broken heart. that or fall apart. and we were there to celebrate.
it's hard to put into words the thoughts and emotions i have experienced in the last couple of days. and i might not be ready to publicize them all. it's the emotions themselves, my reactions to them and the thoughts that filter through my mind, the work of processing them all, trying to both own them (admit and experience them) and just as soon release them to the One who can actually handle them... versus let them all out, or attempt to bury or deny them. i don't do any of that all that well, and it's exhausting. by grace, i've been working at the releasing part, but to be honest, that might be one of the most heart wrenching and painful steps. i guess there is this yet-diluted subconscious thought somewhere in me that if i hold these things inside, they won't affect how our life actually plays out - or maybe that they will, and somehow i have an incling of control in the matter. i know i don't. and dying to that desire feels crushing. it doesn't feel like relief. at least not yet.
listening to pandora on the long drive home today (my "bebo" station, for those of you who know my heart well) i was reminded of several messages of truth. i experienced moments of both holding on and letting go, fear, grief, nausea, and just emptyness. sometimes i just feel so utterly lost. how and why and no. those are the perhaps rebellious fights that i want to hold some ground on. and i'm pretty sure they're pointless. and then i just want to sob my eyes out. because none of this matches in any way the dreams i had as a little girl for the life i wanted to live. but then i'm reminded of moments that tell me, 'actually, maybe it does, if you look at things just a little different' - that requires looking through the "God-lense" instead of just the "what i want" lense. and different verses fill my mind (and i will continue to ponder these and write about them in time) that, in a kind-feeling way that never-the-less worries me, nudge my heart about that idea that God's ways are greater than our ways... so while i keep saying "how long O Lord??" i am reminded that "those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." and therein lies the call to faith tonight. and i'm pretty sure it's He who's holding on to me not the other way around.
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