The washing machine is chugging away, the toddler is napping, and i have a few minutes to write. I'm trying to work at using the time I've got, and today it's been a challenge with a little guy who had 18-month shots yesterday and who's been especially clingy (not that I'm complaining about the extra cuddles). I'm "home" about 80% these days and still working at this "role change" to being a stay-at-home-mom. Still trying to learn how to pace our days, how to be present, how to be productive, how to support our home and family life, and how to make the changes I desire in my own life - mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. In some ways there's "so much more time" but it still often feels like progress is slow ~ much slower than all the thoughts in my mind about how things could work/be/change/etc. I want to cling to grace, but failure often resounds so much louder.
Fertility has been on the forefront of my heart and thoughts these last few premenstrual days... high emotion. Friends who have journeyed with me know that I still (despite the natural impossibility) experience a level of disappointment each month, and some months are just harder than others for whatever reason. This month was a rough one, I think, because in a few lovely conversations with friends I was reminded that I'm not the only one who prays for the miracle to happen, and those conversations lead to increased hope, and increased hope can sometimes seem to make the reminder of my current barrenness a bit harder... to bare. It doesn't make me hopeless, but it still breaks my heart.
All around, spring is reminding me of the apparent "ease" of fertility for other living things. Baby birds, squirrels, bunnies.... Over the last few weeks my husband and I have dug up, tilled, and prepped the soil of a rather sizeable garden in our side yard. After researching what plants grow best together, consulting my dad for planting and spacing tips, and drawing out a detailed garden plot I started to plant seeds. Some seeds went directly into the garden, others in pots to sprout and be transplanted once they are a bit more mature. It has amazed me to see what a little soil, water and sunlight can do to a seed. Fertile seeds. I try to joke with myself; if only... really, it sounds like a vacation should be just the answer to conceiving ;) But, unlike our "situation", the life is all ready to go inside these seeds. I planted sunflower seeds and 23/24 of them have sprouted after 3 days of water, soil, and sunshine in my kitchen window. In pots I now have teeny little brussel sprout sprouts, cucumber and watermelon plants. In the garden, crumpled up dried corn kernels that I planted 5 days ago are sprouting through the soil, not to be confused with grass. All these living things, that will grow and be ready to harvest in 56+ days, according to packaging, are perfectly fertile. But right now they are still fragile little baby plants. So while I delight in their sprouting, I also read up on ways to protect them from the squirrels and bunnies who want to feed their babies. Oh the circle of life.
There is some grace in this gardening experience. It is indeed reminding me of some of MY "roots". It's something I grew up with - summers pulling weeds, picking beans, rescuing potato plants from "potato bugs", husking corn, eating raw cucumbers right off the plant. It has been a joy to watch our little guy get in the dirt with us and I hope for this to be something special in his childhood as well. And, it's exciting to anticipate the beauty of a mature garden, and the harvest of good food. It's more than "something to do", having a garden... it's a miniature (or condensed, perhaps) fertility journey. Or so I choose to see it. Little babies all around us, growing up quickly with a little TLC, and reminding me of beauty, growth, health, along the way.
Hoping for other little nuggets of inspiration on this little journey - and that my heart will be open to them and able to keep growing. A broken heart seems to be easily stirred... and it seems like some of that has been going on lately in my experience. Little things happen that seem to be like new plants pushing their way through hardened places - uncomfortable at first, but there is continued growth, beauty, and harvest if that little plant is nurtured - a little warmth, moisture, and a place to grow.
That's all I've got today.
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