fielding questions and comments

well, tuesday came and went. the morning ended up being a trip to the groomer for our doodle followed by errands. both of these events have become a bit more complicated with a baby in tow. (not complaining!)
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment. 

the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.

we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?

what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.

lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.