just the two of us (and Brodie, of course)...

i'm guessing the last three weeks would have played out QUITE differently if we had little ones (present) to consider. most certainly, our hope for said "little ones" influenced how the last week went. Here's a timeline that i figure i'll look back at someday and remember - WOW. that went by so smoothly. incredible. thanks, God - our provider, our helper.

Sunday July 24 - lunch and starbucks with friends after church, followed by a drive in my favorite ("someday...") neighborhood; see lovely tudor home, pick up flyer, tell my husband i would love to see inside (hint, hint...) and the price has just been reduced. hmmmm....

Wednesday July 27 (after conversations throughout the week reminding ourselves that we'd never be able to afford selling our house and buying a new one, etc... but.... maybe we could rent out our home.... and promising we'd only do that if we found the perfect renters...) we schedule a walk through with the listing agent.

Thursday July 28 - we see inside. i fall in love even more.

Saturday July 30 - i put an ad on craigslist to look for renters, get two really serious inquiries, schedule a showing for the following day with one of the couples.

Sunday July 31 - walk through our house with prospective renters. They need the house by August 4th and are visibly in love with our little home. We explain that we are not prepared to be out in 4 days, but possibly with another week, we could make it happen. But we have to first speak with our lenders. We will let them know the following day if it's possible, but we encourage them to keep looking. (and i'm crossing my fingers that it will work because they seem so great).

Sunday July 31 - i talk to the other prospective rental couple who live in another state and don't need the house until November, which seems a bit more feasable, but they seem a bit pushy. this stresses me out. we tell the inlaws we looked at a house and are considering making an offer. they are skeptical but we all go to see it again together, and our agent (so generous with her time) meets us to let us walk through and dream some more...

Sunday July 31 - i call our lender on her cell phone, tell her the situation, figure out what paperwork i need to collect, and schedule a meeting for the next morning to get the process going for our new mortgage.


Monday August 1 - meeting at the bank, waiting for information, texting prospective renters who really want to know if they can rent our house and feeling bad for keeping them waiting... and finally, getting approved for our mortage. we make a verbal offer on the "new house", and get a verbal acceptance within the hour. we decide we better start packing.

Tuesday August 2 - the offer/acceptance on the "new house" is put in writing and we are officially moving.

we pack for the next few days...

Friday August 5 - the POD arrives at our house and we start to fill it. how do two people have so much stuff? thankfully some wonderful friends help us with boxes, meals, lugging things, finding places for things... including their house.

Saturday August 6 - Sunday August 7 - i go out of town for a friend's wedding. wonderful! but Jeremy opts to stay home and start working on packing up his garage.

Monday August 8 - spend the morning at the new house with the inspector. find out a about a few issues but nothing too major. we feel pretty good about it; we drop off all our documents (additional) to our lender and get back home to pack until the wee hours of the morning with some great friend support. so blessed.

Tuesday August 9 AM - the POD leaves. all 4000lbs of our stuff. and we still need a uhaul. seriously? how do we have so much stuff?!

Wednesday August 10 - fill a U-haul, clean the house to "spotless", meet with the renters to walk through and answer any questions. turn over the keys.  (after they leave, we still have a few things to move out but we're pretty close to "out".  we finish little projects and packing at 2am and head to the inlaws to get some rest. 

Thursday August 11 - Our tenants move in to our "old house".  we now live with my husband's parents until we close on the house... but we're encouraged that that could happen faster than our Sept. 1st projected date.  we're happy to put our feet up for a few days!

Today is Saturday. We're settled into our temporary housing. I have some peace and quiet with Brodie sleeping at my feet (this moving thing has taken a toll on him... if only dogs could talk?!?)  and my husband mowing his parents' lawn out back. we couldn't have a cozier place to call home for a few weeks and we are looking ahead with anticipation for the new home we will make next.

this whole process could not have been more pleasant. it has happened so easily, so smoothly. i'm so grateful for the way my husband and i have been able to work together to make it happen. i am so happy about how our marriage has grown. it gives me so much hope about the home, the sense of family, that we will be able to share with children. like i've said before, we're "just getting started", and it's great!

good odds?

i've been following a few newly-found blogs related to infertility lately. it's kind of nice to read some shared perspective. so often i think "ya, i could have written that same thing"...  or i did, or, i chose not to. it's interesting to read comments by other followers and note their transparency as they navigate this shared experience. 

this last post at "Hannah wept, Sarah laughed" did inspire just a wee bit of curious optimism, as she states the stats on the expected increase of births in the next few months. while her post is more a "threat" than a "promise", with tips on coping with the upcoming explosion of facebook birth announcements,  i'm hoping it may mean that our baby is coming...

http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-ready-for-baby-season.html

a few words of hope.

last night i had a chance to watch sunday's ABC News special, Diane Sawyer's interview with Jaycee Dugard. wow. talk about courage to hope, and resilience to live out her life and look forward. inspiring. http://youtu.be/K7dMVm9YEEw has a small clip of the story.

clearly, Jaycee's had some excellent counseling. she seems to cling to words of truth that can keep her focussed on the good. one of these quotes was from the work of T.S. Eliot ~ i have yet to find it's specific origin ~ but it talks about carrying hope and waiting, holding on to hope wherever the journey takes you. a timely encouraging word for me.  and a nudge to read some T.S. Eliot and see what else he's got to say.

then, this morning, i flip my calendar filled with "God's Promises" to July 12 and these words offer again, some encouragement (truly, a reminding nudge: "have courage, Carla!")

God will make you fit for what he's called you to be... he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something.  If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you.  Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely.   ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

joy and heartache.

my husband's side of the family welcomed a new baby girl this week, a long awaited daughter for his sister, a much-desired 5th grandchild for his parents, and a beautiful, sweet, cuddly niece for us. we travelled down south to meet her and celebrate with the family. so precious to see the excitement, pride, and curiousity of our nephews who are big brothers to this precious little girl. wonderful to hold this little bundle of brand newness, watching her little movements and smiles. we were so glad to meet her.

it was also hard. (and i hate that.)  my heart is aching... and for different reasons than i had thought through or anticipated. i think i've developed a bit of a tough shell around me, over the last year or so, and it feels better, usually, to just stay protected by it. but i really didn't want to have a shell on, when we met this little one. and when i talked with her big brothers about this new wonderful addition to their life. i wanted to be softer. not self-protecting. and i know i shouldn't need to be, around these family members. they are more than aware and sensitive to us. but taking off the shell is harder than you'd think. it's painful, really. and when you do, you're exposed to all kinds of factors you might not have anticipated. all the stuff you can just "ignore" when the shell is on hits you in the gutt when you want to be softer. while i tried to keep the shell unzipped and let the experience in, i had moments of putting it back on again. moments where the questions, comments, situations just got a bit too close to my broken heart. that or fall apart. and we were there to celebrate.

it's hard to put into words the thoughts and emotions i have experienced in the last couple of days. and i might not be ready to publicize them all.  it's the emotions themselves, my reactions to them and the thoughts that filter through my mind, the work of processing them all, trying to both own them (admit and experience them) and just as soon release them to the One who can actually handle them... versus let them all out, or attempt to bury or deny them. i don't do any of that all that well, and it's exhausting. by grace, i've been working at the releasing part, but to be honest, that might be one of the most heart wrenching and painful steps. i guess there is this yet-diluted subconscious thought somewhere in me that if i hold these things inside, they won't affect how our life actually plays out - or maybe that they will, and somehow i have an incling of control in the matter. i know i don't. and dying to that desire feels crushing. it doesn't feel like relief. at least not yet.

listening to pandora on the long drive home today (my "bebo" station, for those of you who know my heart well) i was reminded of several messages of truth. i experienced moments of both holding on and letting go, fear, grief, nausea, and just emptyness. sometimes i just feel so utterly lost. how and why and no. those are the perhaps rebellious fights that i want to hold some ground on. and i'm pretty sure they're pointless. and then i just want to sob my eyes out. because none of this matches in any way the dreams i had as a little girl for the life i wanted to live. but then i'm reminded of moments that tell me, 'actually, maybe it does, if you look at things just a little different' - that requires looking through the "God-lense" instead of just the "what i want" lense. and different verses fill my mind (and i will continue to ponder these and write about them in time) that, in a kind-feeling way that never-the-less worries me, nudge my heart about that idea that God's ways are greater than our ways... so while i keep saying "how long O Lord??" i am reminded that "those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." and therein lies the call to faith tonight. and i'm pretty sure it's He who's holding on to me not the other way around.

apples of gold

nine years ago, i lived in Kansas for a year working as a resident director (aka "dorm mom") for an all women's athletic dorm at Sterling College. truth be told, i was less than a year older than a bunch of the girls living there that year. the dorm housed freshment through seniors. a diverse bunch of young women. my role, beyond keeping some order and advising the resident assistants, was to connect with, encourage, and develop educational and social experiences to challenge and nurture these women. it was quite a year. i certainly was challenged.

one of the outlets that year that i sought out was an intergenerational group of women who could encourage, challenge, and nurture ME.  there was this book we started reading together called "apples of gold", based on the verse from Proverbs 25:11:  "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." the book encouraged intergenerational mentoring for women; listening to each others' stories, learning from each other, engaging in each others' lives, friendship centered around the love of God.

i think i tend to gravitate to women with more experience and wisdom... i am encouraged and perhaps feel some sort of safety hearing words and advice from someone who has long walked the steps i find myself walking. and i am so grateful when someone takes the time to share those "apples of gold". 

there are a few special women in my acquaintance that have taken that role. i probably don't benefit from their company as much as they are willing, but i don't count it a coincidence that our paths have crossed.

as promised, "...my God shall supply all your need, according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19

putting on and putting off taking off the baby fat.

i've been mulling over this post for a while. hoping that putting it in print will be some sort of kick in the butt to start doing something about it...

a few seemingly connected thoughts, or admissions. first, i have more than a little jealously of any woman who has kids and a little extra weight that doesn't rapidly disappear after babies. it's like a right of passage that i don't ever get to take advantage of.  i'm readily willing to extend encouraging and gracious words to any of these women - even if their kids are adults. whatever. you carried 3 children (or some variation of that).  second, there is not much sympathy from health professionals for weight gain related to infertility. a few might let it slide - "the stress of it all" - but generally, the encouragements include "daily exercise", and "eat a better diet". there's no projected "gain" expectations. empty womb? keep the pounds off.  third, i've found that mild depression (seasonal, situational, or otherwise) is actually nicely treatable with a box of cheezits or a hershey bar, but "fat and happy" only lasts so long... until the season changes and you don't fit into your "spring clothes" from last year. crap. how did that happen?

so. i'm feeling like i'm "back at square one" again with the whole healthy body situation. i've been here before. it's been some time though, and who knows where my motivation, discipline, and energy came from back then. but i need to find it back. buying new pants is not an option. so where do i start?

i read ("last time") some article about choosing just a few changes to your lifestyle (in effort to lose the pounds) was the most effective way to stick with a new program. i've chosen three. 1. no more diet coke (drink water instead) or soda (exception is a sip of jeremy's coke when i really just want a taste), 2. smaller portions (exception is low sugar fruits or veggies), 3. daily exercise. (i desperately want to write in an exception here, just for the control of it, but seriously. i need to get my butt in gear.)

i know i'm draggin' a bit, friends.
the unending waiting is wearing on me lately.
my body hurts. i'm tired. feeling like "blah" a lot.
i have felt better.
hopefully that will happen again.

birthdays past and the year ahead.

going, going, going... i've been on a hiatus from writing about or thinking about things too much lately. but, in these wee hours of the fourth of june, i'm going to carry out my tradition of birthday journaling. a whole 'nother year has passed. wow.

32 years old. 6 years older than what i always thought would be the "ideal age" to have a baby. that was when 26 seemed old. here i am 32 and not feeling any older than 26, so hey. hopefully that's a good sign.
and typically people don't believe that i'm 32. even better. and since i'm not expected to carry babies, the age of my ovaries has no bearing on acceptable timing. my biological clock doesn't tick. it's digital i guess. time is passing but my only real reminder is when i focus on it. life is being lived. though i'm scared sometimes this is at the expense of time spent working harder to make our dream a reality (though not sure what else we could be doing short of kidnapping or attempting a deal on the black market)... we know our future is not simply in our own hands.

looking back at the last several birthdays, i am struck this year by the irony of my birthday 4 years ago, when i woke up puking and was SCARED that i might be pregnant. first of all, even then it was soul-shaking that i was feeling scared when i thought all i had ever wanted was to BE pregnant. i remember sitting on our then slip-covered old ratty loveseat with jeremy beside me and having what could probably be classified as a panic attack. i was shaking and crying, thinking about having a being growing inside of me. this was a moment of sheer "WHO THE HECK AM I???"  i did not see that emotion coming. when a negative pregnancy test (the first of many many many) calmed me down, my emotions quickly transformed from fear to disappointment. go figure. two of the emotional postures that haunt me the most often. contradictory and both paralyzing at times.

the following birthday, we learned about Klienfelter's Syndrome. 
no sperm, no babies.

the next, we were awaiting the decision of a young girl who was considering an adoption plan for her soon-to-arrive baby girl.  I thought "that will be the best birthday gift I could ask for".  But, though it would have been a belated-gift (baby was due in July), birthmom decided against the adoption in the end.

birthday 2010: hoped for a miracle baby to be conceived as we started cycles of artificial insemination. no dice.

now, we're in month 13 after completing our adoption home study, waiting for baby. this last year has been one of learning how to wait well - not stuck but hopeful, purposeful, thankful... and this waiting isn't about "patience", as much as blessed assurance - that i am not my own - my life is not my own - but i belong wholly to my faithful Savior - and to his good purposes for my life. humbling, uplifting, wonder-inspiring. could his plans be better than my own?

praying for more of the good
~ whatever is true, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ~
for the year to come.