hopes to grow. a little update.

for months already people have been asking us about "when we're going to go for number 2".  i suppose it's a natural question for a parent of toddlers and though for us it feels a bit complicated, it's not been an unwelcome question. i want more kids. no secret.

i have a bunch of friends who have more than one child and most of them weren't so intentional about "planning for" or deliberating having a second (or third) baby. also, none of them have done so by adoption. so to be honest, i haven't had many conversations about planning or readying for "another one". and isn't it just sort of supposed to be a blur? in all the busyness of life it sort of just happens and there you are with 2 babies, or 3, and so on.  ridiculous maybe but i think that's sort of what i expected it to be like, before all the reality hit us.  our process has certainly not been "in our control" - we fully believe that God's intervention has been present all the way through - and it did have its surprises along the way. but, there's definitely been much calculation, preparation, in so many ways, and please forgive me for ever having assumed all families wouldn't have the same experience, because, it's all one day at a time for each of us.
we are "putting our name in the hat" again (as some say), or applying again to be considered as adoptive parents - hopeful that this is in God's plan for our life.  not a lot different really than the couple hoping to get pregnant. out of our control. hoping for God's favor. trusting in his interaction, in his redemptive grace. conceding to wait for his timing, to faithfully do what we can do in the process, but ultimately to wait.  our reality is that we're dependent on his allowing conception in another person's life and family... another person that will have big hard decisions ahead, coupled with loss, hope, dreams, trust, faith. another person who will be, in some shape or form, an extension of our family. we wait and wonder and do our part to be prepared if and when the time comes.

we have no idea how long or short this process will be this time. but i have an inkling it could all happen very fast once the ball gets rolling.

so today, and in the last few weeks, especially,
i find myself taking in the moments a bit more intentionally
cuddling a little longer after my little guy (27 months) falls asleep in my arms
listening to his breaths, the rhythm of his heartbeat
not rushing to get to the my to do list
but just absorbing these slow moments a bit deeper
because they are beautiful and because life changes so quickly.
it's unbelievable to me at times how quickly he has changed from
baby to waddler and toddler and now so much a "little boy"
with his own ideas and interests and humor and ability. yes he's
still far from not needing his mama... :)
but the slow moments are few and far between and its all "mommy
come here" and "dance mommy dance" and listening to him sing
the entire ABC song or "Twinkle twinkle" with a twinkle in his eye...
and "lets go.... " here there and everywhere. 
he brings this delight into our lives that i couldn't have imagined.

and it's ever more eye brightening to imagine him with a playmate, a sibling,
to show and tell and giggle with, and i so long for a table full of them, really.
that said, if it never happens, we lack nothing. but if it could happen, how much more
joy?

so, it's that time. we started talking about it last spring, decided in November, and here we are starting the process again, meeting with our social worker in a couple of weeks to renew all of our paperwork, etc. Safey audits, medical forms, review of finances, letters of reference, and "Child Characteristics Checklist" which i seriously five pages long. So ya, it's a little different of a process... whew...
I will try to share along the way, and invite you into this journey with us.
it feels a bit different this time, perhaps with a sense of knowing a slight bit more what we can expect; and perhaps that makes for a desire to share it. we'll take it day at a time, because although it feels like a lifetime ago, memories come quickly back of the ups and downs we know could be upon us soon enough. par for the course, perhaps. we trust that God will give us all that we need as we put our hope in Him.
and we are so excited!

a place to grow.

The washing machine is chugging away, the toddler is napping, and i have a few minutes to write. I'm trying to work at using the time I've got, and today it's been a challenge with a little guy who had 18-month shots yesterday and who's been especially clingy (not that I'm complaining about the extra cuddles).  I'm "home" about 80% these days and still working at this "role change" to being a stay-at-home-mom. Still trying to learn how to pace our days, how to be present, how to be productive, how to  support our home and family life, and how to make the changes I desire in my own life - mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually.  In some ways there's "so much more time" but it still often feels like progress is slow ~ much slower than all the thoughts in my mind about how things could work/be/change/etc.  I want to cling to grace, but failure often resounds so much louder.

Fertility has been on the forefront of my heart and thoughts these last few premenstrual days... high emotion. Friends who have journeyed with me know that I still (despite the natural impossibility) experience a level of disappointment each month, and some months are just harder than others for whatever reason. This month was a rough one, I think, because in a few lovely conversations with friends I was reminded that I'm not the only one who prays for the miracle to happen, and those conversations lead to increased hope, and increased hope can sometimes seem to make the reminder of my current barrenness a bit harder... to bare. It doesn't make me hopeless, but it still breaks my heart.

All around, spring is reminding me of the apparent "ease" of fertility for other living things. Baby birds, squirrels, bunnies....  Over the last few weeks my husband and I have dug up, tilled, and prepped the soil of a rather sizeable garden in our side yard.  After researching what plants grow best together, consulting my dad for planting and spacing tips, and drawing out a detailed garden plot I started to plant seeds. Some seeds went directly into the garden, others in pots to sprout and be transplanted once they are a bit more mature. It has amazed me to see what a little soil, water and sunlight can do to a seed. Fertile seeds. I try to joke with myself; if only... really, it sounds like a vacation should be just the answer to conceiving ;)  But, unlike our "situation", the life is all ready to go inside these seeds. I planted sunflower seeds and 23/24 of them have sprouted after 3 days of water, soil, and sunshine in my kitchen window. In pots I now have teeny little brussel sprout sprouts, cucumber and watermelon plants. In the garden, crumpled up dried corn kernels that I planted 5 days ago are sprouting through the soil, not to be confused with grass. All these living things, that will grow and be ready to harvest in 56+ days, according to packaging, are perfectly fertile. But right now they are still fragile little baby plants. So while I delight in their sprouting, I also read up on ways to protect them from the squirrels and bunnies who want to feed their babies. Oh the circle of life.

There is some grace in this gardening experience. It is indeed reminding me of some of MY "roots". It's something I grew up with - summers pulling weeds, picking beans, rescuing potato plants from "potato bugs", husking corn, eating raw cucumbers right off the plant. It has been a joy to watch our little guy get in the dirt with us and I hope for this to be something special in his childhood as well. And, it's exciting to anticipate the beauty of a mature garden, and the harvest of good food. It's more than "something to do", having a garden... it's a miniature (or condensed, perhaps) fertility journey. Or so I choose to see it. Little babies all around us, growing up quickly with a little TLC, and reminding me of beauty, growth, health, along the way.

Hoping for other little nuggets of inspiration on this little journey - and that my heart will be open to them and able to keep growing. A broken heart seems to be easily stirred... and it seems like some of that has been going on lately in my experience.  Little things happen that seem to be like new plants pushing their way through hardened places - uncomfortable at first, but there is continued growth, beauty, and harvest if that little plant is nurtured - a little warmth, moisture, and a place to grow.

That's all I've got today.

a mother's heart

this morning in church my attention was drawn to Luke 1 - to Mary's song, her words of prophecy and knowing of her coming son, the one who would save the world. heal it. feed it. quench its thirst. redeem it. my heart is in a different place this Christmas, perhaps looking at things in a new way, from a new-to-me place, from a different heart... a mom heart. what humility and belief - vision and understanding of the great purpose, the exceptional task ahead... and to rejoice in him, and do life - day by day, trusting in the God of the universe despite not seeing the whole plan, not understanding all the details. my soul magnifies the Lord.

Birthday Eve ~ remembering one year ago

One year ago, I was pacing the hallways of a maternity ward, waiting for our son to be born. My husband and I were fortunate to have the privilege of staying in the hospital until we were able to take our son home, since the maternity ward had special rooms for "special situations" so that parents could stay with babies until they were released to go home.  In our case, that would be 72 hours from birth. We arrived at the hospital on a Monday, after getting the call that morning that birthmom had gone into labor, so we knew we'd be staying until at least Thursday... and ultimately turned out to be Friday. We settled in as best we could that first night, hesitant to bring in our diaper bag and baby supplies until we were certain (or pretty certain) that we would actually be bringing baby home.  And yet, we took it in stride. There was so much peace there for us. Lots of silent prayers. Some brief moments of fear.  But ultimately, we had a sense that everything was going to be just as it would be, and it was out of our control. We chose to be as present as we could be.

Monday afternoon, we had had a chance to visit briefly a couple times with birthmom, who was laboring down the hall. Things weren't progressing very rapidly and she was eventually given medication to help speed up the labor.  Our conversations were lighthearted and birthmom seemed very calm about everything, easy going.  We met her parents for the first time that afternoon. Her mother seemed distant, her father seemed uncomfortable.  We did our best to make an honest first impression, and tried to be careful to give space and not intrude on the experience for birthmom. We did a lot of waiting.  There were times that we weren't sure what to do with ourselves. It was clear to us which nurses were comfortable with our "situation" and our expected role, and which nurses were not.  We sometimes felt at a loss for words explaining who we were; "adoptive parents for room 131"? No one had given us any guidance or information about what to expect at the hospital, or what to do. We were walking through the experience blindly, without instrucion. Never having done a hospital tour, or childbirth classes, we were relying on our own intuitions and common sense and praying for guidance to navigate the situation as graciously as we could. 

Late in the night, well past midnight, my husband was snoozing in one of our two hospital beds, and I decided to venture out in to the hallway, and maybe see if any of our ally-nurses were at the nurses station so that maybe I could get an update about what was going on.  The nurse on duty who started at 11 seemed pretty understanding.  Maybe she would be around.  Instead, I saw birthmom's mother sitting in one of the chairs at the end of our hallway, all by herself.  Something nudged me to go over and ask her how she was doing.  I was struck with a lot of compassion for this woman, who clearly seemed to be struggling, and I wanted to make a connection if I could.  We ended up talking for quite a while. She shared a bit of how she was feeling and spoke to her confidence in her daughter choosing our profile and how her daughter had felt confirmed after meeting us that she had chosen the right people to raise her baby.  I shared that we had felt the same after meeting her daughter, that this was the "birthmom" that was the right fit for us, and that we believed God had put it all together.  It was hard to guage her reaction to what I shared, but the conversation continued, and she eventually welcomed me to go with her again and check on her daughter who, she figured, wasn't sleeping much.  We had a quick visit and decided to turn in for a while since things were going slow... she was feeling a little bit more uncomforable but was going to try to sleep...

When I woke up later on it was about 6am. I woke up a bit panicked, not having planned to sleep that long. What if I missed the birth?!   I checked in at the nurses station and was allowed to pop in birthmom's room. She was awake and welcomed me in to her room. She was clearly in more active labor and took breaks in our conversation with contractions. I think, remembering back, I wasn't sure how close she was to delivering, and I remember feeling a lot of admiration for her. But I also felt a bit out of place. I wanted to be very careful to be respectful of her privacy and not ask too many questions. She seemed very willing to answer anything I did ask, and seemed pretty "no nonsense" about delivering, and I couldn't seem to get a good sense about where she was at emotionally. So I just was there. Shortly. And then it was time - I asked her if she wanted me to get the nurse and she said yes, so that was what I did... and then I got Jeremy... and then we stood in the hall, feeling a little out of place... with one nurse warning us that we really weren't allowed to be in the hall but that she would let it slide until shift change (which was at 7am). We paced, keeping our ears open, watching and listening as orders were given, the doctor was called, aides went in and out of the room with various supplies, trying to stay out of the way, but wanting so much to be right there... finally the doctor arrived and within minutes we heard that first cry. A baby was born. 6:48am. Alive. Crying. Our baby?  Our baby.  More nurses orders, "cord blood kit", blankets, the doctor sat to do paperwork, and we were instructed to go to our room and wait until someone came to get us...

These are just some of the details. Honestly, I haven't processed this all to try to recount the events until now. I can't express the emotion loaded into even the smallest details. I'm glad to have it written down. I will need to work at unpacking it... and sharing more.

hello again.

it's been a while...

there are so many thoughts jumbled in my "mommy-brain" (half-functioning, it seems) right now. I keep telling myself I need to schedule a writing time into my life, and I keep not doing it. It is becoming glaringly apparent to me that I am poor with both discipline and time management, and these weaknesses are affecting me lately on so many levels across the areas in my life. I want to turn a new leaf... and I guess the only way to do so is to do it... but then there's the stick-to-it, and I'm not sure what I need to develop that. It's not too natural, I'm afraid...

I don't really know if anyone actually reads what I am writing, but if you do, please feel free to pipe in with encouragements and advice regarding the aforementioned weaknesses of mine.  I could use some friends to support and challenge me in the journey.

I read a quote a few weeks ago (on somebody's facebook, who was quoting someone else, who I cannot give due credit because I don't remember) that went something like this regarding the passions/visions that God gives you: If he gives them to you, he has already equipped you to bring them to fulfillment.  That idea keeps floating through my mind, and I have a few visions, let me tell you.  If I look back at my life, I can see how it has been true, and how certainly, God is the giver of the vision and the capability. To mention a few, job changes, marriage, and becoming a parent through adoption.  He has always been way ahead of me, and He has always faithfully walked me through.  Now, the challenge, I feel, is determining - is this God's vision or mine? And so, I try to patiently (and with fear and trembling, often) inch through the ideas. But often, I think, I don't pursue them, and I think that has sometimes been unfortunate. So, I have a few ideas that I'm going to share here, and make "public" and perhaps that will be my first step to working away at them, as God provides the way.  The ideas have been conceived, and somehow need to be nurtured. I am longing for this kind of "growth" in my life.

1. writing about adoption. I have this scary idea (scary to me, because of all the unknowns) to ask our birthmom to write a book with me, sharing both of our experiences from our "opposite" sides along this journey.  I think this could be helpful in our own processing, but also helpful to others experiencing a similar journey.

2. developing therapy APPs. ya, totally unrelated to infertility... but related to me. I recently bought an IPAD for my work, and have found a surprising lack of APPs that I could (and would want to) use in therapy with the kids I work with.  I have ideas for what I would want to be available... but they do not exist. yet. so... maybe I could somehow do this?  The idea  is totally overwhelming as I have no knowledge about computer programming and/or how an APP is developed... But, I do have the idea of what one could be... so I think my first step is finding someone who can do write an APP? and again, I seriously have no idea where to start...

3. developing a more structured schedule for my Monday - Friday.  The new school year is seriously right around the corner. I feel like summer has just barely begun. We have a busy two weeks ahead, with family camping followed by a trip to California to celebrate my sister's wedding, and as soon as we get home, I'm back to school. I don't have childcare lined up, don't have a schedule of what days I will be working, and honestly, have maybe slightly avoided both for too long, in efforts to have a "relaxing" summer. I have been working some during the last month or so, but haphazardly, with very inconsistent childcare and minimal routines. One result of that has been that I haven't really accomplished things that I wanted to accomplish, nor taken advantage of things going on that I had hoped to.  We've had nice relaxing days at home, visits here and there, pool time, gardening, walks with the dog, all at a pretty relaxed pace.  While part of me craves the routine of the school year, another part of me wonders how I think I'm going to adjust to it.  I am trying to be a better "planner", and not leave things to the last minute, which ultimately just stresses me out.

so... in keeping with the blog... I'm trying to work on being "fertile" again. 

fer·tile

   /ˈfɜrtl or, especially Brit., -taɪl/ Show Spe[fur-tl or, especially Brit., -tahyl] adjective

1. bearing, producing, or capable of producing vegetation, crops, etc., abundantly; prolific: fertile soil.

2. bearing or capable of bearing offspring.

3. abundantly productive: a fertile imagination.

4. producing an abundance (usually followed by of or in ): a land fertile of wheat.

5. conducive to productiveness: fertile showers.

4. writing here.  obviously, my previous idea about writing weekly was unsuccessful. I'm not ready to commit to a day yet, but will add it to my to do list. ;)

things don't go the way we plan.

so it's monday. i took a "snow day" and have been hanging out with our little guy who so desperately wants to learn to roll over and who will babble my ear off all day. i am so in love with him! the joy of the reality of having our little boy, and the reality of our day to day events because he is in our life changes so much of everything. so, despite my plans to write here on tuesday mornings, it just hasn't happened. today, on my unplanned day at home, while baby is napping (which is starting to have an acual routine to it) i thought i'd take a few minutes. 

much like our life, i'm not really sure where this blog is headed. not sure what to do with it. fact is, i am still infertile. i still (not to sound at all greedy or ungrateful for what we have) want more children. i still pray that a miracle would happen. i still grieve that i haven't been able to be pregnant and wonder what that would be like and if it ever, just maybe, might happen.

my husband and i recently reopened the conversation about "having kids". i asked him, after putting our 4 month old to bed for the night, "do you see us having more children?"  and he said "no".  however, knowing that his first response typically IS "no" to anything, i tried to not let it phase me too much and figured i'd let the idea simmer for a little while. indeed, when we talked again a few days ago, he had budged to "as long as it happens before I'm 40"... i figure i have a little wiggle room. at least he's open. much less stressful and hopeless than the opposite. of course, none of this actually means we WILL have more children, but at least there's freedom to dream and wish and plan for it to happen. the next question is how.  i realize our little bundle is only 4 months. but given how long it took for him to enter our lives, there's (hopefully) no harm in preparing well ahead of time.

fielding questions and comments

well, tuesday came and went. the morning ended up being a trip to the groomer for our doodle followed by errands. both of these events have become a bit more complicated with a baby in tow. (not complaining!)
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment. 

the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.

we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?

what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.

lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.

104 days

it's been lots and lots of days since i have taken the time to write. i think about it often. i think about it when i'm falling asleep, in the shower, feeding our baby, driving, and any number of other times that i'm not in front of a computer or able to task switch and sit down to write. i tell myself from time to time when i'm thinking about things that i want to write about, "remember that...", but, you know how that goes. in a college writing class years ago (seriously... time flies) i remember digesting the idea that the first step towards "writing well" (check out William Knowlton Zinsser, "On Writing Well") was actually writing. so here i am. i'm not sure this rambling on was what he would be so pleased about, but i'm trying. i'm writing. maybe not well yet, but hopefully this will get me back into a habit. there is so much i would like to process through writing from these last 104 days and before them.

my plan is to try to set aside time on Tuesday Mornings to write. tuesdays i am home with no work on my schedule. i am happy that tuesdays, i can wear comfy clothes, choose whether or not to bother showering, play on the floor with my happy three-month-old, and i would like to build in writing... during nap time? we'll see; i don't really have a good plan yet. i know, i should.

so what am i going to write about? i think i need to write about a few different things. the obvious, infertility ultimately led us to adoption - chance, providence, miracle, what i was hoping for... and our hope was finally realized. but none of it has been simple. not for this little head and heart, at least. like all things in my experience, what we plan, look ahead to, try to prepare for, rarely goes as anticipated, but living, stepping forward, has brought things that stretch us, bless us, (scare us, anger us, frustrate us, hurt us), heal us, grow us... that's the "angle" i've chosen to try to live from, in this continued journey of growing, accepting, hoping against, living with, infertility.

i don't anticipate a progression or storyline in my writing right now. i just have several blurbs of thought, emotion, experience to try to put into words. i'm hoping i can remember, but i suppose new ones will emerge as well.

upcoming perhaps - blurbs about maintaining an open adoption, taking thoughts captive, difficult relationships, sleep deprivation, prayer, unanswered questions and bad obgyns, supporting friends, establishing our home routines, lullabies, boundaries and letting people into our experience, post-placement visits, dreams come true, being a working mom, missing pregnancy and still hoping for a miracle, sharing others' joy and celebration, answering "would you guys do it again"?, loneliness, and home improvements...


tuesday morning. looking forward to it.

28 days!

well friends, our dreams have been realized ~ we are so thankful to God for what only he could accomplish. i am still processing the joy/amazement/relief that we are parents, that we are living in our new home as a family, that everything that has happened in the last 4, 8, 12 weeks has actually really happened.  driving earlier with our son in the carseat we bought almost a year ago in anticipation of adoption, pulling into the driveway to the home we had never even seen before 3 months ago, into a neighborhood that was a "someday..." dream. my days lately (minus the sleep deprivation) are pretty blissful. i am so very grateful. our life today seems like jumping midway into a book into the scene i always wanted to be a part of. some say we "deserve it" after waiting so long... i am just still in awe. and all that waiting and all we experienced to get to this place seems a bit blurry. i'd like to take time to write about and share more of the journey (time is limited lately), but, i thought it was about time tonight to share the wonderful news - we have a son!  Spencer ("giver of goods") Samuel ("the Lord has heard") is 28 days old today. 28 days ago was one of the most sacred days, to begin such an amazing new life.  more story to come...

just the two of us (and Brodie, of course)...

i'm guessing the last three weeks would have played out QUITE differently if we had little ones (present) to consider. most certainly, our hope for said "little ones" influenced how the last week went. Here's a timeline that i figure i'll look back at someday and remember - WOW. that went by so smoothly. incredible. thanks, God - our provider, our helper.

Sunday July 24 - lunch and starbucks with friends after church, followed by a drive in my favorite ("someday...") neighborhood; see lovely tudor home, pick up flyer, tell my husband i would love to see inside (hint, hint...) and the price has just been reduced. hmmmm....

Wednesday July 27 (after conversations throughout the week reminding ourselves that we'd never be able to afford selling our house and buying a new one, etc... but.... maybe we could rent out our home.... and promising we'd only do that if we found the perfect renters...) we schedule a walk through with the listing agent.

Thursday July 28 - we see inside. i fall in love even more.

Saturday July 30 - i put an ad on craigslist to look for renters, get two really serious inquiries, schedule a showing for the following day with one of the couples.

Sunday July 31 - walk through our house with prospective renters. They need the house by August 4th and are visibly in love with our little home. We explain that we are not prepared to be out in 4 days, but possibly with another week, we could make it happen. But we have to first speak with our lenders. We will let them know the following day if it's possible, but we encourage them to keep looking. (and i'm crossing my fingers that it will work because they seem so great).

Sunday July 31 - i talk to the other prospective rental couple who live in another state and don't need the house until November, which seems a bit more feasable, but they seem a bit pushy. this stresses me out. we tell the inlaws we looked at a house and are considering making an offer. they are skeptical but we all go to see it again together, and our agent (so generous with her time) meets us to let us walk through and dream some more...

Sunday July 31 - i call our lender on her cell phone, tell her the situation, figure out what paperwork i need to collect, and schedule a meeting for the next morning to get the process going for our new mortgage.


Monday August 1 - meeting at the bank, waiting for information, texting prospective renters who really want to know if they can rent our house and feeling bad for keeping them waiting... and finally, getting approved for our mortage. we make a verbal offer on the "new house", and get a verbal acceptance within the hour. we decide we better start packing.

Tuesday August 2 - the offer/acceptance on the "new house" is put in writing and we are officially moving.

we pack for the next few days...

Friday August 5 - the POD arrives at our house and we start to fill it. how do two people have so much stuff? thankfully some wonderful friends help us with boxes, meals, lugging things, finding places for things... including their house.

Saturday August 6 - Sunday August 7 - i go out of town for a friend's wedding. wonderful! but Jeremy opts to stay home and start working on packing up his garage.

Monday August 8 - spend the morning at the new house with the inspector. find out a about a few issues but nothing too major. we feel pretty good about it; we drop off all our documents (additional) to our lender and get back home to pack until the wee hours of the morning with some great friend support. so blessed.

Tuesday August 9 AM - the POD leaves. all 4000lbs of our stuff. and we still need a uhaul. seriously? how do we have so much stuff?!

Wednesday August 10 - fill a U-haul, clean the house to "spotless", meet with the renters to walk through and answer any questions. turn over the keys.  (after they leave, we still have a few things to move out but we're pretty close to "out".  we finish little projects and packing at 2am and head to the inlaws to get some rest. 

Thursday August 11 - Our tenants move in to our "old house".  we now live with my husband's parents until we close on the house... but we're encouraged that that could happen faster than our Sept. 1st projected date.  we're happy to put our feet up for a few days!

Today is Saturday. We're settled into our temporary housing. I have some peace and quiet with Brodie sleeping at my feet (this moving thing has taken a toll on him... if only dogs could talk?!?)  and my husband mowing his parents' lawn out back. we couldn't have a cozier place to call home for a few weeks and we are looking ahead with anticipation for the new home we will make next.

this whole process could not have been more pleasant. it has happened so easily, so smoothly. i'm so grateful for the way my husband and i have been able to work together to make it happen. i am so happy about how our marriage has grown. it gives me so much hope about the home, the sense of family, that we will be able to share with children. like i've said before, we're "just getting started", and it's great!

good odds?

i've been following a few newly-found blogs related to infertility lately. it's kind of nice to read some shared perspective. so often i think "ya, i could have written that same thing"...  or i did, or, i chose not to. it's interesting to read comments by other followers and note their transparency as they navigate this shared experience. 

this last post at "Hannah wept, Sarah laughed" did inspire just a wee bit of curious optimism, as she states the stats on the expected increase of births in the next few months. while her post is more a "threat" than a "promise", with tips on coping with the upcoming explosion of facebook birth announcements,  i'm hoping it may mean that our baby is coming...

http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-ready-for-baby-season.html

a few words of hope.

last night i had a chance to watch sunday's ABC News special, Diane Sawyer's interview with Jaycee Dugard. wow. talk about courage to hope, and resilience to live out her life and look forward. inspiring. http://youtu.be/K7dMVm9YEEw has a small clip of the story.

clearly, Jaycee's had some excellent counseling. she seems to cling to words of truth that can keep her focussed on the good. one of these quotes was from the work of T.S. Eliot ~ i have yet to find it's specific origin ~ but it talks about carrying hope and waiting, holding on to hope wherever the journey takes you. a timely encouraging word for me.  and a nudge to read some T.S. Eliot and see what else he's got to say.

then, this morning, i flip my calendar filled with "God's Promises" to July 12 and these words offer again, some encouragement (truly, a reminding nudge: "have courage, Carla!")

God will make you fit for what he's called you to be... he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something.  If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you.  Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely.   ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

joy and heartache.

my husband's side of the family welcomed a new baby girl this week, a long awaited daughter for his sister, a much-desired 5th grandchild for his parents, and a beautiful, sweet, cuddly niece for us. we travelled down south to meet her and celebrate with the family. so precious to see the excitement, pride, and curiousity of our nephews who are big brothers to this precious little girl. wonderful to hold this little bundle of brand newness, watching her little movements and smiles. we were so glad to meet her.

it was also hard. (and i hate that.)  my heart is aching... and for different reasons than i had thought through or anticipated. i think i've developed a bit of a tough shell around me, over the last year or so, and it feels better, usually, to just stay protected by it. but i really didn't want to have a shell on, when we met this little one. and when i talked with her big brothers about this new wonderful addition to their life. i wanted to be softer. not self-protecting. and i know i shouldn't need to be, around these family members. they are more than aware and sensitive to us. but taking off the shell is harder than you'd think. it's painful, really. and when you do, you're exposed to all kinds of factors you might not have anticipated. all the stuff you can just "ignore" when the shell is on hits you in the gutt when you want to be softer. while i tried to keep the shell unzipped and let the experience in, i had moments of putting it back on again. moments where the questions, comments, situations just got a bit too close to my broken heart. that or fall apart. and we were there to celebrate.

it's hard to put into words the thoughts and emotions i have experienced in the last couple of days. and i might not be ready to publicize them all.  it's the emotions themselves, my reactions to them and the thoughts that filter through my mind, the work of processing them all, trying to both own them (admit and experience them) and just as soon release them to the One who can actually handle them... versus let them all out, or attempt to bury or deny them. i don't do any of that all that well, and it's exhausting. by grace, i've been working at the releasing part, but to be honest, that might be one of the most heart wrenching and painful steps. i guess there is this yet-diluted subconscious thought somewhere in me that if i hold these things inside, they won't affect how our life actually plays out - or maybe that they will, and somehow i have an incling of control in the matter. i know i don't. and dying to that desire feels crushing. it doesn't feel like relief. at least not yet.

listening to pandora on the long drive home today (my "bebo" station, for those of you who know my heart well) i was reminded of several messages of truth. i experienced moments of both holding on and letting go, fear, grief, nausea, and just emptyness. sometimes i just feel so utterly lost. how and why and no. those are the perhaps rebellious fights that i want to hold some ground on. and i'm pretty sure they're pointless. and then i just want to sob my eyes out. because none of this matches in any way the dreams i had as a little girl for the life i wanted to live. but then i'm reminded of moments that tell me, 'actually, maybe it does, if you look at things just a little different' - that requires looking through the "God-lense" instead of just the "what i want" lense. and different verses fill my mind (and i will continue to ponder these and write about them in time) that, in a kind-feeling way that never-the-less worries me, nudge my heart about that idea that God's ways are greater than our ways... so while i keep saying "how long O Lord??" i am reminded that "those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." and therein lies the call to faith tonight. and i'm pretty sure it's He who's holding on to me not the other way around.

apples of gold

nine years ago, i lived in Kansas for a year working as a resident director (aka "dorm mom") for an all women's athletic dorm at Sterling College. truth be told, i was less than a year older than a bunch of the girls living there that year. the dorm housed freshment through seniors. a diverse bunch of young women. my role, beyond keeping some order and advising the resident assistants, was to connect with, encourage, and develop educational and social experiences to challenge and nurture these women. it was quite a year. i certainly was challenged.

one of the outlets that year that i sought out was an intergenerational group of women who could encourage, challenge, and nurture ME.  there was this book we started reading together called "apples of gold", based on the verse from Proverbs 25:11:  "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." the book encouraged intergenerational mentoring for women; listening to each others' stories, learning from each other, engaging in each others' lives, friendship centered around the love of God.

i think i tend to gravitate to women with more experience and wisdom... i am encouraged and perhaps feel some sort of safety hearing words and advice from someone who has long walked the steps i find myself walking. and i am so grateful when someone takes the time to share those "apples of gold". 

there are a few special women in my acquaintance that have taken that role. i probably don't benefit from their company as much as they are willing, but i don't count it a coincidence that our paths have crossed.

as promised, "...my God shall supply all your need, according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19

putting on and putting off taking off the baby fat.

i've been mulling over this post for a while. hoping that putting it in print will be some sort of kick in the butt to start doing something about it...

a few seemingly connected thoughts, or admissions. first, i have more than a little jealously of any woman who has kids and a little extra weight that doesn't rapidly disappear after babies. it's like a right of passage that i don't ever get to take advantage of.  i'm readily willing to extend encouraging and gracious words to any of these women - even if their kids are adults. whatever. you carried 3 children (or some variation of that).  second, there is not much sympathy from health professionals for weight gain related to infertility. a few might let it slide - "the stress of it all" - but generally, the encouragements include "daily exercise", and "eat a better diet". there's no projected "gain" expectations. empty womb? keep the pounds off.  third, i've found that mild depression (seasonal, situational, or otherwise) is actually nicely treatable with a box of cheezits or a hershey bar, but "fat and happy" only lasts so long... until the season changes and you don't fit into your "spring clothes" from last year. crap. how did that happen?

so. i'm feeling like i'm "back at square one" again with the whole healthy body situation. i've been here before. it's been some time though, and who knows where my motivation, discipline, and energy came from back then. but i need to find it back. buying new pants is not an option. so where do i start?

i read ("last time") some article about choosing just a few changes to your lifestyle (in effort to lose the pounds) was the most effective way to stick with a new program. i've chosen three. 1. no more diet coke (drink water instead) or soda (exception is a sip of jeremy's coke when i really just want a taste), 2. smaller portions (exception is low sugar fruits or veggies), 3. daily exercise. (i desperately want to write in an exception here, just for the control of it, but seriously. i need to get my butt in gear.)

i know i'm draggin' a bit, friends.
the unending waiting is wearing on me lately.
my body hurts. i'm tired. feeling like "blah" a lot.
i have felt better.
hopefully that will happen again.

birthdays past and the year ahead.

going, going, going... i've been on a hiatus from writing about or thinking about things too much lately. but, in these wee hours of the fourth of june, i'm going to carry out my tradition of birthday journaling. a whole 'nother year has passed. wow.

32 years old. 6 years older than what i always thought would be the "ideal age" to have a baby. that was when 26 seemed old. here i am 32 and not feeling any older than 26, so hey. hopefully that's a good sign.
and typically people don't believe that i'm 32. even better. and since i'm not expected to carry babies, the age of my ovaries has no bearing on acceptable timing. my biological clock doesn't tick. it's digital i guess. time is passing but my only real reminder is when i focus on it. life is being lived. though i'm scared sometimes this is at the expense of time spent working harder to make our dream a reality (though not sure what else we could be doing short of kidnapping or attempting a deal on the black market)... we know our future is not simply in our own hands.

looking back at the last several birthdays, i am struck this year by the irony of my birthday 4 years ago, when i woke up puking and was SCARED that i might be pregnant. first of all, even then it was soul-shaking that i was feeling scared when i thought all i had ever wanted was to BE pregnant. i remember sitting on our then slip-covered old ratty loveseat with jeremy beside me and having what could probably be classified as a panic attack. i was shaking and crying, thinking about having a being growing inside of me. this was a moment of sheer "WHO THE HECK AM I???"  i did not see that emotion coming. when a negative pregnancy test (the first of many many many) calmed me down, my emotions quickly transformed from fear to disappointment. go figure. two of the emotional postures that haunt me the most often. contradictory and both paralyzing at times.

the following birthday, we learned about Klienfelter's Syndrome. 
no sperm, no babies.

the next, we were awaiting the decision of a young girl who was considering an adoption plan for her soon-to-arrive baby girl.  I thought "that will be the best birthday gift I could ask for".  But, though it would have been a belated-gift (baby was due in July), birthmom decided against the adoption in the end.

birthday 2010: hoped for a miracle baby to be conceived as we started cycles of artificial insemination. no dice.

now, we're in month 13 after completing our adoption home study, waiting for baby. this last year has been one of learning how to wait well - not stuck but hopeful, purposeful, thankful... and this waiting isn't about "patience", as much as blessed assurance - that i am not my own - my life is not my own - but i belong wholly to my faithful Savior - and to his good purposes for my life. humbling, uplifting, wonder-inspiring. could his plans be better than my own?

praying for more of the good
~ whatever is true, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ~
for the year to come.

how to be one

i've been thinking lately about prayer. i consider my "prayer life" a continuous one - perhaps not very disciplined in the traditional sense i have once experienced, but an easy and relatively comfortable one. even writing this, i think, maybe i need to do some studying about what prayer ought to be,... figuring i probably don't have it right. i have experienced how prayer changes me, changes my thinking, changes my spirit, my will... it's a place of surrender, of safety, of communion... being one with God.

for lent, i had willed to "give up infertility" - i talked to God about this... and He gave me new direction, new focus, new thoughts... i was able to surrender. He enabled that. somehow over the last couple of months, i feel that my perspective has changed. i still don't seem to have any answers, but i'm more content, more ok with the "now". more at peace.

but fear creaps in. i think at the root of this is the humanness in me that so wants to anticipate and know what will happen and why and have everything all figured out. for example, IF we're never going to have kids what will our life look like and what new purpose will we have and...       i just want to know.  but i'm slowly letting that rest, too, i think.  i talk to God about it.  i choose to trust and "let the story unfold"... i have to admit, sometimes i fear that if i keep talking to Him about it, he's going to keep easing me into the reality that kids are not in our future. and i get scared and try not to get angry and try to surrender. but i still ask "but what about "the desires of my heart"", and i hear this still small voice that says "i'm taking care of it", and even though i don't exactly know what that means (are you taking care of my desires aka changing them, or are you taking care of making my wishes come true), i TRY to listen, and rest, and "be one"... fumbling and stumbling, but submitting - God is God and i am not. i will trust. so i pray for open eyes and ears and an open spirit that tunes in to Him, that wants to be one with Him...

so thankful for the scriptures that surface in these moments - the words of promise for my heart... knowing that God words for the good of those who love him... that he will keep them in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him... so that's where i long to be today.

tears and hope

a friend sent me this link in an email today. she has walked where we have, the journey of infertility, and is "on the other side" now, with a sweet baby boy to cuddle and admire. if you take the time to open this link, and watch it all the way through, you might relate or catch a glimpse of some of the emotions and attempts to express them, as one might walk this path...

as with most things, i resist being put in a box, or having my feelings in one... and projects like this one make me want to reiterate my belief that we all walk this journey uniquely. BUT. i will also admit i "finished the sentences" several times as i watched. and i'm reminded i'm one of the one in six.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

father goose

my husband is a wonderful man. he works hard. he cares about people. he is loyal. he looks out for others. he is patient. he takes care of things. he takes care of me. he "watches over" and "keeps" me, our home, our expenses and goals, our dreams. he reminds me of a father goose...

weeks ago i stopped by the post office near our home to mail a package to my sister. on my way in, i noticed a goose waddling by the door. he seemed out of place, so close to "the public", but i disregarded him and kept walking in. only when others kept mentioning his presence too, did i look around and see that his partner was nesting in the flower box, yards from the post office entrance. this father goose was on guard, hissing at anyone who got too close, protecting his partner and their eggs. on my way out, i snapped some pictures, and mother goose even stood up to show off her five or six large eggs. so exciting!
last week, on my walk with our dog, i decided to pass the post office again to see if the eggs had hatched yet and if the couple were still around. I stayed far back, because I didn't want to alarm them (or our dog who is quite "fond" of geese), but from the sidewalk I could see that father goose was still on patrol, and mother goose's lovely black and white neck was sticking up from the flower planter. weeks later (who knows how long that must seem in "geese time"), still waiting, sitting faithfully, with her partner still protecting... waiting for their next chapter to begin with their young. i got a little choked up, seeing this. it was lovely.

when i pause to take notice, i find that i am similarly cared for, with a partner who stands by me, waiting patiently, and faithfully tending to my needs. basic and complex. what a wonderful design, to walk through the challenges of life with a loyal friend.

expectant.

holding on to hope today, and the sense of expectancy has been very stirring over the last week or so. maybe in part it's just spring fever. we've had tastes of warm weather, hyacinths and daffodils are in bloom, tulips are making a valient effort to open up, and birds are nesting... so why not? it's in the air, i suppose.

a couple weeks ago, we bought a crib. got a great deal on it. basically, the nursery is fully furnished now. things we do, even though we say we never will. "i don't want to see an empty nursery every day...", i remember saying to somebody when we started the adoption process... and while the door stays mostly shut, i every once and a while feel the urge to sit in there for a few minutes, wonder, smile, and wonder some more. i remember reading love stories about pioneers traveling across the prairies, when i was a pre-teen. the girls all had "hope chests". they would knit little baby blankets and save dresses, and whatever else. it was tradition. of course they'd have babies one day. it was what you did. it was the next stage of life. i guess i am just one of those girls. we've gradually built up our supplies, and readied our home to welcome the next generation to our little home... we keep working away, trusting that at the right time, that next chapter will begin. the anticipation of flipping pages in those stories (where a birth was inevitable and ultimately my favorite part of the story) is similar to my feelings now. wishing i could turn ahead, but learning to relish the whole story, not try to read ahead, but take in all the text, and let the story unfold.

this Easter weekend, while i paint our "family room", walk my dog in the warm spring sunshine, and celebrate with friends and little ones the excitement and wonder of "up from the grave He arose" i celebrate that there is so much too wonderful for us to understand fully, and embrace the joy of God's all-knowing love for us.