hopes to grow. a little update.

for months already people have been asking us about "when we're going to go for number 2".  i suppose it's a natural question for a parent of toddlers and though for us it feels a bit complicated, it's not been an unwelcome question. i want more kids. no secret.

i have a bunch of friends who have more than one child and most of them weren't so intentional about "planning for" or deliberating having a second (or third) baby. also, none of them have done so by adoption. so to be honest, i haven't had many conversations about planning or readying for "another one". and isn't it just sort of supposed to be a blur? in all the busyness of life it sort of just happens and there you are with 2 babies, or 3, and so on.  ridiculous maybe but i think that's sort of what i expected it to be like, before all the reality hit us.  our process has certainly not been "in our control" - we fully believe that God's intervention has been present all the way through - and it did have its surprises along the way. but, there's definitely been much calculation, preparation, in so many ways, and please forgive me for ever having assumed all families wouldn't have the same experience, because, it's all one day at a time for each of us.
we are "putting our name in the hat" again (as some say), or applying again to be considered as adoptive parents - hopeful that this is in God's plan for our life.  not a lot different really than the couple hoping to get pregnant. out of our control. hoping for God's favor. trusting in his interaction, in his redemptive grace. conceding to wait for his timing, to faithfully do what we can do in the process, but ultimately to wait.  our reality is that we're dependent on his allowing conception in another person's life and family... another person that will have big hard decisions ahead, coupled with loss, hope, dreams, trust, faith. another person who will be, in some shape or form, an extension of our family. we wait and wonder and do our part to be prepared if and when the time comes.

we have no idea how long or short this process will be this time. but i have an inkling it could all happen very fast once the ball gets rolling.

so today, and in the last few weeks, especially,
i find myself taking in the moments a bit more intentionally
cuddling a little longer after my little guy (27 months) falls asleep in my arms
listening to his breaths, the rhythm of his heartbeat
not rushing to get to the my to do list
but just absorbing these slow moments a bit deeper
because they are beautiful and because life changes so quickly.
it's unbelievable to me at times how quickly he has changed from
baby to waddler and toddler and now so much a "little boy"
with his own ideas and interests and humor and ability. yes he's
still far from not needing his mama... :)
but the slow moments are few and far between and its all "mommy
come here" and "dance mommy dance" and listening to him sing
the entire ABC song or "Twinkle twinkle" with a twinkle in his eye...
and "lets go.... " here there and everywhere. 
he brings this delight into our lives that i couldn't have imagined.

and it's ever more eye brightening to imagine him with a playmate, a sibling,
to show and tell and giggle with, and i so long for a table full of them, really.
that said, if it never happens, we lack nothing. but if it could happen, how much more
joy?

so, it's that time. we started talking about it last spring, decided in November, and here we are starting the process again, meeting with our social worker in a couple of weeks to renew all of our paperwork, etc. Safey audits, medical forms, review of finances, letters of reference, and "Child Characteristics Checklist" which i seriously five pages long. So ya, it's a little different of a process... whew...
I will try to share along the way, and invite you into this journey with us.
it feels a bit different this time, perhaps with a sense of knowing a slight bit more what we can expect; and perhaps that makes for a desire to share it. we'll take it day at a time, because although it feels like a lifetime ago, memories come quickly back of the ups and downs we know could be upon us soon enough. par for the course, perhaps. we trust that God will give us all that we need as we put our hope in Him.
and we are so excited!

a place to grow.

The washing machine is chugging away, the toddler is napping, and i have a few minutes to write. I'm trying to work at using the time I've got, and today it's been a challenge with a little guy who had 18-month shots yesterday and who's been especially clingy (not that I'm complaining about the extra cuddles).  I'm "home" about 80% these days and still working at this "role change" to being a stay-at-home-mom. Still trying to learn how to pace our days, how to be present, how to be productive, how to  support our home and family life, and how to make the changes I desire in my own life - mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually.  In some ways there's "so much more time" but it still often feels like progress is slow ~ much slower than all the thoughts in my mind about how things could work/be/change/etc.  I want to cling to grace, but failure often resounds so much louder.

Fertility has been on the forefront of my heart and thoughts these last few premenstrual days... high emotion. Friends who have journeyed with me know that I still (despite the natural impossibility) experience a level of disappointment each month, and some months are just harder than others for whatever reason. This month was a rough one, I think, because in a few lovely conversations with friends I was reminded that I'm not the only one who prays for the miracle to happen, and those conversations lead to increased hope, and increased hope can sometimes seem to make the reminder of my current barrenness a bit harder... to bare. It doesn't make me hopeless, but it still breaks my heart.

All around, spring is reminding me of the apparent "ease" of fertility for other living things. Baby birds, squirrels, bunnies....  Over the last few weeks my husband and I have dug up, tilled, and prepped the soil of a rather sizeable garden in our side yard.  After researching what plants grow best together, consulting my dad for planting and spacing tips, and drawing out a detailed garden plot I started to plant seeds. Some seeds went directly into the garden, others in pots to sprout and be transplanted once they are a bit more mature. It has amazed me to see what a little soil, water and sunlight can do to a seed. Fertile seeds. I try to joke with myself; if only... really, it sounds like a vacation should be just the answer to conceiving ;)  But, unlike our "situation", the life is all ready to go inside these seeds. I planted sunflower seeds and 23/24 of them have sprouted after 3 days of water, soil, and sunshine in my kitchen window. In pots I now have teeny little brussel sprout sprouts, cucumber and watermelon plants. In the garden, crumpled up dried corn kernels that I planted 5 days ago are sprouting through the soil, not to be confused with grass. All these living things, that will grow and be ready to harvest in 56+ days, according to packaging, are perfectly fertile. But right now they are still fragile little baby plants. So while I delight in their sprouting, I also read up on ways to protect them from the squirrels and bunnies who want to feed their babies. Oh the circle of life.

There is some grace in this gardening experience. It is indeed reminding me of some of MY "roots". It's something I grew up with - summers pulling weeds, picking beans, rescuing potato plants from "potato bugs", husking corn, eating raw cucumbers right off the plant. It has been a joy to watch our little guy get in the dirt with us and I hope for this to be something special in his childhood as well. And, it's exciting to anticipate the beauty of a mature garden, and the harvest of good food. It's more than "something to do", having a garden... it's a miniature (or condensed, perhaps) fertility journey. Or so I choose to see it. Little babies all around us, growing up quickly with a little TLC, and reminding me of beauty, growth, health, along the way.

Hoping for other little nuggets of inspiration on this little journey - and that my heart will be open to them and able to keep growing. A broken heart seems to be easily stirred... and it seems like some of that has been going on lately in my experience.  Little things happen that seem to be like new plants pushing their way through hardened places - uncomfortable at first, but there is continued growth, beauty, and harvest if that little plant is nurtured - a little warmth, moisture, and a place to grow.

That's all I've got today.

a mother's heart

this morning in church my attention was drawn to Luke 1 - to Mary's song, her words of prophecy and knowing of her coming son, the one who would save the world. heal it. feed it. quench its thirst. redeem it. my heart is in a different place this Christmas, perhaps looking at things in a new way, from a new-to-me place, from a different heart... a mom heart. what humility and belief - vision and understanding of the great purpose, the exceptional task ahead... and to rejoice in him, and do life - day by day, trusting in the God of the universe despite not seeing the whole plan, not understanding all the details. my soul magnifies the Lord.

Birthday Eve ~ remembering one year ago

One year ago, I was pacing the hallways of a maternity ward, waiting for our son to be born. My husband and I were fortunate to have the privilege of staying in the hospital until we were able to take our son home, since the maternity ward had special rooms for "special situations" so that parents could stay with babies until they were released to go home.  In our case, that would be 72 hours from birth. We arrived at the hospital on a Monday, after getting the call that morning that birthmom had gone into labor, so we knew we'd be staying until at least Thursday... and ultimately turned out to be Friday. We settled in as best we could that first night, hesitant to bring in our diaper bag and baby supplies until we were certain (or pretty certain) that we would actually be bringing baby home.  And yet, we took it in stride. There was so much peace there for us. Lots of silent prayers. Some brief moments of fear.  But ultimately, we had a sense that everything was going to be just as it would be, and it was out of our control. We chose to be as present as we could be.

Monday afternoon, we had had a chance to visit briefly a couple times with birthmom, who was laboring down the hall. Things weren't progressing very rapidly and she was eventually given medication to help speed up the labor.  Our conversations were lighthearted and birthmom seemed very calm about everything, easy going.  We met her parents for the first time that afternoon. Her mother seemed distant, her father seemed uncomfortable.  We did our best to make an honest first impression, and tried to be careful to give space and not intrude on the experience for birthmom. We did a lot of waiting.  There were times that we weren't sure what to do with ourselves. It was clear to us which nurses were comfortable with our "situation" and our expected role, and which nurses were not.  We sometimes felt at a loss for words explaining who we were; "adoptive parents for room 131"? No one had given us any guidance or information about what to expect at the hospital, or what to do. We were walking through the experience blindly, without instrucion. Never having done a hospital tour, or childbirth classes, we were relying on our own intuitions and common sense and praying for guidance to navigate the situation as graciously as we could. 

Late in the night, well past midnight, my husband was snoozing in one of our two hospital beds, and I decided to venture out in to the hallway, and maybe see if any of our ally-nurses were at the nurses station so that maybe I could get an update about what was going on.  The nurse on duty who started at 11 seemed pretty understanding.  Maybe she would be around.  Instead, I saw birthmom's mother sitting in one of the chairs at the end of our hallway, all by herself.  Something nudged me to go over and ask her how she was doing.  I was struck with a lot of compassion for this woman, who clearly seemed to be struggling, and I wanted to make a connection if I could.  We ended up talking for quite a while. She shared a bit of how she was feeling and spoke to her confidence in her daughter choosing our profile and how her daughter had felt confirmed after meeting us that she had chosen the right people to raise her baby.  I shared that we had felt the same after meeting her daughter, that this was the "birthmom" that was the right fit for us, and that we believed God had put it all together.  It was hard to guage her reaction to what I shared, but the conversation continued, and she eventually welcomed me to go with her again and check on her daughter who, she figured, wasn't sleeping much.  We had a quick visit and decided to turn in for a while since things were going slow... she was feeling a little bit more uncomforable but was going to try to sleep...

When I woke up later on it was about 6am. I woke up a bit panicked, not having planned to sleep that long. What if I missed the birth?!   I checked in at the nurses station and was allowed to pop in birthmom's room. She was awake and welcomed me in to her room. She was clearly in more active labor and took breaks in our conversation with contractions. I think, remembering back, I wasn't sure how close she was to delivering, and I remember feeling a lot of admiration for her. But I also felt a bit out of place. I wanted to be very careful to be respectful of her privacy and not ask too many questions. She seemed very willing to answer anything I did ask, and seemed pretty "no nonsense" about delivering, and I couldn't seem to get a good sense about where she was at emotionally. So I just was there. Shortly. And then it was time - I asked her if she wanted me to get the nurse and she said yes, so that was what I did... and then I got Jeremy... and then we stood in the hall, feeling a little out of place... with one nurse warning us that we really weren't allowed to be in the hall but that she would let it slide until shift change (which was at 7am). We paced, keeping our ears open, watching and listening as orders were given, the doctor was called, aides went in and out of the room with various supplies, trying to stay out of the way, but wanting so much to be right there... finally the doctor arrived and within minutes we heard that first cry. A baby was born. 6:48am. Alive. Crying. Our baby?  Our baby.  More nurses orders, "cord blood kit", blankets, the doctor sat to do paperwork, and we were instructed to go to our room and wait until someone came to get us...

These are just some of the details. Honestly, I haven't processed this all to try to recount the events until now. I can't express the emotion loaded into even the smallest details. I'm glad to have it written down. I will need to work at unpacking it... and sharing more.

hello again.

it's been a while...

there are so many thoughts jumbled in my "mommy-brain" (half-functioning, it seems) right now. I keep telling myself I need to schedule a writing time into my life, and I keep not doing it. It is becoming glaringly apparent to me that I am poor with both discipline and time management, and these weaknesses are affecting me lately on so many levels across the areas in my life. I want to turn a new leaf... and I guess the only way to do so is to do it... but then there's the stick-to-it, and I'm not sure what I need to develop that. It's not too natural, I'm afraid...

I don't really know if anyone actually reads what I am writing, but if you do, please feel free to pipe in with encouragements and advice regarding the aforementioned weaknesses of mine.  I could use some friends to support and challenge me in the journey.

I read a quote a few weeks ago (on somebody's facebook, who was quoting someone else, who I cannot give due credit because I don't remember) that went something like this regarding the passions/visions that God gives you: If he gives them to you, he has already equipped you to bring them to fulfillment.  That idea keeps floating through my mind, and I have a few visions, let me tell you.  If I look back at my life, I can see how it has been true, and how certainly, God is the giver of the vision and the capability. To mention a few, job changes, marriage, and becoming a parent through adoption.  He has always been way ahead of me, and He has always faithfully walked me through.  Now, the challenge, I feel, is determining - is this God's vision or mine? And so, I try to patiently (and with fear and trembling, often) inch through the ideas. But often, I think, I don't pursue them, and I think that has sometimes been unfortunate. So, I have a few ideas that I'm going to share here, and make "public" and perhaps that will be my first step to working away at them, as God provides the way.  The ideas have been conceived, and somehow need to be nurtured. I am longing for this kind of "growth" in my life.

1. writing about adoption. I have this scary idea (scary to me, because of all the unknowns) to ask our birthmom to write a book with me, sharing both of our experiences from our "opposite" sides along this journey.  I think this could be helpful in our own processing, but also helpful to others experiencing a similar journey.

2. developing therapy APPs. ya, totally unrelated to infertility... but related to me. I recently bought an IPAD for my work, and have found a surprising lack of APPs that I could (and would want to) use in therapy with the kids I work with.  I have ideas for what I would want to be available... but they do not exist. yet. so... maybe I could somehow do this?  The idea  is totally overwhelming as I have no knowledge about computer programming and/or how an APP is developed... But, I do have the idea of what one could be... so I think my first step is finding someone who can do write an APP? and again, I seriously have no idea where to start...

3. developing a more structured schedule for my Monday - Friday.  The new school year is seriously right around the corner. I feel like summer has just barely begun. We have a busy two weeks ahead, with family camping followed by a trip to California to celebrate my sister's wedding, and as soon as we get home, I'm back to school. I don't have childcare lined up, don't have a schedule of what days I will be working, and honestly, have maybe slightly avoided both for too long, in efforts to have a "relaxing" summer. I have been working some during the last month or so, but haphazardly, with very inconsistent childcare and minimal routines. One result of that has been that I haven't really accomplished things that I wanted to accomplish, nor taken advantage of things going on that I had hoped to.  We've had nice relaxing days at home, visits here and there, pool time, gardening, walks with the dog, all at a pretty relaxed pace.  While part of me craves the routine of the school year, another part of me wonders how I think I'm going to adjust to it.  I am trying to be a better "planner", and not leave things to the last minute, which ultimately just stresses me out.

so... in keeping with the blog... I'm trying to work on being "fertile" again. 

fer·tile

   /ˈfɜrtl or, especially Brit., -taɪl/ Show Spe[fur-tl or, especially Brit., -tahyl] adjective

1. bearing, producing, or capable of producing vegetation, crops, etc., abundantly; prolific: fertile soil.

2. bearing or capable of bearing offspring.

3. abundantly productive: a fertile imagination.

4. producing an abundance (usually followed by of or in ): a land fertile of wheat.

5. conducive to productiveness: fertile showers.

4. writing here.  obviously, my previous idea about writing weekly was unsuccessful. I'm not ready to commit to a day yet, but will add it to my to do list. ;)

things don't go the way we plan.

so it's monday. i took a "snow day" and have been hanging out with our little guy who so desperately wants to learn to roll over and who will babble my ear off all day. i am so in love with him! the joy of the reality of having our little boy, and the reality of our day to day events because he is in our life changes so much of everything. so, despite my plans to write here on tuesday mornings, it just hasn't happened. today, on my unplanned day at home, while baby is napping (which is starting to have an acual routine to it) i thought i'd take a few minutes. 

much like our life, i'm not really sure where this blog is headed. not sure what to do with it. fact is, i am still infertile. i still (not to sound at all greedy or ungrateful for what we have) want more children. i still pray that a miracle would happen. i still grieve that i haven't been able to be pregnant and wonder what that would be like and if it ever, just maybe, might happen.

my husband and i recently reopened the conversation about "having kids". i asked him, after putting our 4 month old to bed for the night, "do you see us having more children?"  and he said "no".  however, knowing that his first response typically IS "no" to anything, i tried to not let it phase me too much and figured i'd let the idea simmer for a little while. indeed, when we talked again a few days ago, he had budged to "as long as it happens before I'm 40"... i figure i have a little wiggle room. at least he's open. much less stressful and hopeless than the opposite. of course, none of this actually means we WILL have more children, but at least there's freedom to dream and wish and plan for it to happen. the next question is how.  i realize our little bundle is only 4 months. but given how long it took for him to enter our lives, there's (hopefully) no harm in preparing well ahead of time.

fielding questions and comments

well, tuesday came and went. the morning ended up being a trip to the groomer for our doodle followed by errands. both of these events have become a bit more complicated with a baby in tow. (not complaining!)
i navigated through the pet store, full of its scents and sites and animals beckoning our doodle's attention, trying to not get pulled off course as i tried to control both stroller and overstimulated puppy. finally i managed to get into the groomer's door, pulling stroller in backwards and giving commands to our doodle to stay with me and not get his leash twisted around the stroller. (at this point i just can't wait to have a break from him for a few hours!) one of the groomers, a younger girl i don't remember seeing there before, noting the stroller, comments "you have a baby!" to which i respond, "yes. three months old!"; she responds, "three months? oh wow! i don't even remember seeing you pregnant!"... another smile and nod moment. 

the comment doesn't really matter to me. in fact, i would have appreciated a "well, you look great" comment. i mean, seriously. (ha...) but, what gets to me is my own wondering of what conversation may have happened after i left again. the girl we do deal with frequently there is aware that we adopted our baby boy. does that information then spread? how is that all perceived? some of that insecurity i think comes from feeling a little bit like an understudy. i have to work through some of my own grief and aligning insecurities that come, for me, with infertility, in these situations.

we have found ourselves in several different conversations and interactions these last few months that have demonstrated people's various thoughts, assumptions, and ignorances related to "adopting a baby". some of the questions people ask surprise me, catch me off guard, and rarely feel very welcome. i didn't realize what a private person i am/have become until many of these experiences. how do you kindly say "it's none of your business"?

what is "none of your business" in general... i'm writing some rules of my own i guess. these are the things that i can choose to tell you if i want to disclose, but you shouldn't be asking about. if you didn't know the answer pre-baby, or didn't know me pre-baby, it's not your business why we adopted. in general, it's not your business what route we used for adoption - agency, private, international, domestic, or otherwise. it's not your business who the birthmom is, what her situation is, if she has other children, what their names might be, how tall she is, what she looks like, or anything else about her. the terms of the adoption are not your business. these are the things people ask. right off the bat.

lately, it seems we are frequently in positions where we have to make decisions about what part of our story we disclose and to whom. once again, for us there is no set of rules for how to navigate our experience. while there are many people and resources who would advise one way or another to deal with many situations, none really seem to work completely. so we take it one question or comment at a time, making decisions that sometimes require a bit of prediction and planning about what questions might be asked in a certain situation and how we'll answer them, meaning, how much do we disclose. of course, things don't always go as anticipated, usually for the better, sometimes for the worse.